Many people confuse self-care with acts of self-love. Self-care is not about being „kind“ to yourself. It is about doing the most basic things to keep your body healthy and going. It is a necessity. If you want to be healthy you need to take care of yourself.
If you struggle with self-love you can still do self-care. The body can be compared to a car that needs gas regularly, a change of oil occasionally and washing it every now and then helps too. If you cannot do it with love, please treat yourself with the professional efficiency of a mechanic. Just do it.
These are things we believe are self-care:
- sleep: enough quality sleep during the night
- food: regular, healthy meals with a healthy amount of calories, drinking enough
- body hygiene: brushing teeth and regular showers
- exercise: a healthy amount of movement
- sunlight: going outside
We call these the 5 Pillars of Stability.
They are just the top of the list.
- A safe home: you need safety. Being homeless without having a place to sleep is not safe. You need to be able to withdraw and lock doors, safe from harmful people. Don’t hang out with unsafe people!
- Financial security: most countries support the poor. Use this option if it applies to you. You need to know that you won’t be hungry or homeless. Your finances should not depend on other people, especially not abusers. If you ever want to be free, you need to break financial ties to them. Read more about living on a budget.
- Clean home: no need to be the perfect housekeeper, just clean. Don’t leave food items lying around. All kinds of bugs and mice or even bigger creatures will interpret them as invitation to your home. (We once found 2 inch long worms in someones carpet!) If you cannot do it yourself, ask for help or pay someone to do it. Turning a task over to someone else is taking responsibility too. (We happen to be a professional housekeeper. If you are interested in housework tutorials that are easy to keep up despite dissociation let me know in the comments below)
- Clothes: they should fit you. It’s ok to go for a size bigger if you don’t want to be seen. One size is enough. Don’t force yourself into things that don’t fit. Wear comfortable shoes. Your clothes should be in good condition, clean and without holes. Wear good underwear. Many people think it’s ok when their underwear is ripped because nobody can see it. There is a reason for underwear and it becomes pointless when it’s ripped. Clothes should also match the season/weather. If you have trouble feeling temperature you can use a thermometer and dress accordingly. If you need long sleeves to feel covered, find lighter fabrics for summer.
- Bathroom: use the toilet. This sounds stupid, unless you know what I am talking about. Often we cannot feel when we need to use the toilet due to dissociating body parts. We need to remember going there from time to time. It gets seriously unhealthy if you forget.
- Doctor/dentist: if you are in pain or you feel that something is off, see your doctor about it. Don’t wait. Always take physical symptoms seriously. We have a lot of symptoms that are either body flashbacks or rooted in emotional problems. We still let them be checked by a doctor. Every.Single.Time. Better save than sorry.
- Medical check-ups: these help to find problems before they are serious. Seeing your dentist regularly saves you from big procedures. It is worth it! Stuff like cancer is a lot less lethal when found in early stages.
- Injuries: if you self-harm, take care of your wound. Get stitches if needed. Keep it clean, don’t pick on it, support the healing as best you can. If you have a physical disability don’t push yourself beyond your limits.
- Medicine: take your prescribed meds. Pills for your thyroid, blood pressure, blood sugar or similar are very important. Take your psych meds as well. Don’t just stop taking them on days you feel better. You probably only feel better because you take them! Quitting antidepressants suddenly can lead to a suicidal crisis. Don’t be afraid to take the recommended dose of your prescribed emergency medication. Your doctor was sure that this is ok, they will not harm you. If you need it, you need it.
- Drugs/alcohol: don’t. Just don’t.
- Self-regulation: take time to regulate your emotions. Regulate within the green and yellow area, changing between medium levels of stress and rest. Don’t get bored. Take breaks. Help everyone inside to regulate too.
- Purpose& contribution: this is not for your body, it is a basic need of your soul. Do something that gives meaning to your life. Small acts of kindness, volunteering, work, whatever. Be active and contribute to other people’s lives and society.
- Communication& relationships: another one for your soul. You are not an island. Go hear some human voices every now and then. Connect with people. We need connection. It also helps to heal.
- Spirituality/philosophy: practice some kind of belief. This is for your Spirit. Humans need faith. (Please note that I didn’t say „religion“)
- Boundaries: learn to say „no“ and protect your no. Boundaries can keep bad things out. They protect you from harm. They also keep the good things in! You only have limited resources. Your time, energy, money, attention, ability to help, food and physical/emotional strength are just examples of resources that are limited. Spend them well. To do that, you need to do it on purpose. People will come and they will try to get something from you. They don’t mean harm. It’s what people do. If you cannot say „no“ you will soon be empty, poor and never have time for anything important. Don’t just react to other people’s needs. Respond, by choice and on purpose (happen!). You are the first priority. You take care of you. If there is any time, strength etc left you can choose to spend it on other people. That doesn’t make you selfish. It is like they always explain on the airplane: put on your own oxygen mask first, then help minors. If you don’t, you run out of air, faint and others won’t get any help at all. Usually the people who come to you for something want to be able to come to you for this in the future too. They want it for a long time. To make that possible you need to take care of yourself first or you won’t make it for long. Self-care means thinking long-term. I have not met a person who reacted badly when I explained that I don’t have resources left for them that day. They usually say „ok“, turn around and find someone else to meet their need. There are billions of people on this planet. You are not the only one who can help and you are not their savior. We like to think that God (or the universe, if you prefer) has already prepared someone else to help them.
Self-care is non-negotiable. It has to have top priority. When you make plans, plan for these first, then see if there is time for anything else. There is nothing more important than this.
If your current life doesn’t allow you to do proper self-care, change your life. (Don’t quit your job! But start modifying things to change the conditions long-term)
If there are things you can’t do yet, make a list. Don’t just push the thought away. We have „female doctor“ on our list of things we can’t manage yet. We know it is there. We regularly look into procedures, ask people about this, work on grounding that might help…. baby steps. We are getting there. We already manage the dentist now.
Your list might have all kinds of things on it. Sort them by difficulty level. Start with the easiest. Find out what you need to master this, then work towards it. Small successes can give you confidence for bigger challenges. Always make sure to stay within your window of tolerance, so that you can learn from the experience.
There are situations, and they are few, when you have to ignore self-care for a short period of time to deal with a crisis. Those situations should be exceptions. If you are facing them regularly you are keeping up a crisis lifestyle and you need to make changes (see boundaries). Even when you can’t keep up full self-care you can try to get close to it. When we know that we will miss our meal-time we carry a substantial snack. When we can’t sleep, we take time to rest or meditate. Try to get close. And don’t make this a habit.
These are things everyone who wants to be healthy needs to do. Ask your T, they do it too.
No positive emotions about this needed. You don’t have to like doing it. Just do it!
It is the foundation you build on to get better.
Read more in Prevention of dissociation
Cara says
Another very helpful needed writing . We read it. Seems daunting ,yet so very necessary ! That bathroom part…so true. Good to know this is a common problem area. And forgetting eating too! We have alarms set on cell to tell us these reminders. Sadly, someone in the system always ignores it or turns it of. Lack of a needed prescription does not do us good at all. Or of food, sleep ,etc. Look forward to being more well with self care!
Theresa says
We are convinced of what we wrote. Which doesn’t mean that we do it all. No matter how hard we work on it, it seems like we miss something every time. That is why we have built routines around the most important self-care. It keeps us on track. Routines work when inner rules fail us.
We too have an alarm for food 🙂 and for meds. and for bed time. We set an alarm for everything. Time is tricky with dissociation.
We honestly haven’t met the person who is doing all this at once. But most people can get away with it while we, people with mental illness of any kind, can’t get away with it.
Gina says
This list is perfect. In fact, this whole blog is. I’m simply overwhelmed by the hard work that must have gone into creating this content. I came here from PF, where I’m mostly a lurker. Throughout my time there, so many of your posts have stood out to me as exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. Even so, this blog just blew me away. Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned/continue to learn in your journey. You have a powerful insight and I’m so glad you’re able to share it with others. <3 – Gina (aka wormgirl)