This post is more personal than what we usually write. We couldn’t find any „therapy“ tools for hoarding. All we have is our own experience. This is our story:
I grew up in a hoarder household. For many years it looked like I would become a hoarder too. When I started to heal things changed. I turned this thing around. I am now leaning heavily towards a minimalistic lifestyle. Hoarding is common among those with anxiety, trauma and high levels of dissociation. Here are some lessons I have learned. Maybe they can help you too.
Boundaries
In my family we didn’t have personal boundaries. Everyone was responsible for everyone else but not for themselves. If I allowed others to control my life I was allowed to control theirs. There was no room for developing my own personality and identity, we were all one. Until I learned about this thing called „boundaries“. It took years to learn what is „me“ and what is not me. What I like and what I dislike. What belongs to me and what doesn’t belong to me. What can come in and what should stay out. This was my first and most important step to a clean home: to learn what shouldn’t be in there because it isn’t me. It was the first time in my life I recognized garbage. And I understood that there is a place that is „outside“ of my boundary, my physical walls. Not knowing about the concept of boundaries I was not aware that I could say „no“ to something to keep it outside, I thought it was natural that it covers my personal space without me being able to do anything about it.
Poverty
I grew up in poverty. At a certain time in my life I owned one pair of jeans in the whole wide world. I sat in front of the washer in underwear, waiting. And I knew, if I stumbled and ripped it, I wouldn’t have anything to wear. It could not be replaced. I learned to hold on to things, just in case. Just in case something happens. Underwear with a hole was better than none. I might be able to use this later. Broken, damaged, ripped, out-dated – I held on to it all, just in case.
And I never used any of it. At some point, when I was older, I was able to step back and look at the mess. With some distance and a lot of rational decisions I was able to let go of the trash that gave me that sense of security for just in case.
Neglect
For most of my life I didn’t know what „enough“ really is. There was never enough. I learned to hold on to everything. It helped to calm myself down when other things we lacking. At least I was surrounded by stuff. It comforted me that I had something, even if it was useless. Later, when I earned my own money, I couldn’t stop bringing things in. I owned 20 pairs of jeans in 4 different sizes because I felt the desperate need to own more jeans. I would still grab every pair that was on sale. Even though I had way more than enough I still felt the lack. Only recently did I learn what „enough“ really is. I de-cluttered, for real, purging everything I didn’t use regularly. I got rid of everything I didn’t even remember was there. It was about 60% of what I owned. Without noticing I had so much more than enough. I only started to „feel it“ when the excess was gone. My need to bring in more has ceased. I am certainly not deprived now. Actually, I don’t notice anything missing.
Fear of loss
I don’t know how to handle loss. I am just finding out about the concept of mourning. Saying goodbye to an item was unthinkable for a long time. I used 2 different concepts while de-cluttering. One is the question „Does this add value to my life?“ It helps to recognize garbage, burdens and empty possession that serves no purpose. I got the best results following Marie Kondo’s system (konmari method) with the main questions „Does this spark joy?“ I was able to let go of a lot of „sentimental“ items. The truth I had to face with this: these things only remind me of people who hurt me, times that were difficult and pain. They will never, absolutely never, spark joy. They just make me feel sad. And I don’t need anything to add depression to my life. I don’t own childhood pictures anymore. It wasn’t that hard to let go once I realized how negatively I really feel about these things. It was not a loss. It was a relief to let them go. Yes, there is no way to recover them. Good! I remember more than enough with every flashback.
Memories
I need items to remind me of things unless I am willing to let them fall into the black hole that is my memory. But how much do I need to remind me of a certain thing? One is enough. Even a picture of that thing could be enough. I picked my favorite reminders that spark joy, the ones that remind the best, and let the others go.
Saving things
Ever seen anything broken at the side of the road and you had to pick it up because you were sure that it doesn’t deserve to be thrown away or sit out there in the rain? That used to be me. I saved things from a terrible future and gave them a new home. They looked so lost. I wasn’t aware that it was me who was lost and it was me who wanted to be saved from my life. I kept „saving“ things until I felt found, seen, saved and brought „home“. Church and a romantic relationship helped me with that.
Emotional bonds
I don’t think that it is a coincidence that I started hoarding for real in my teenage years, when I was severely bullied in school. I didn’t have a friend in the world and my home didn’t offer safe relationships. I surrounded myself with „friends“ for some emotional warmth. It is a cozy things to live in a cave full of stuff. It kept me warm. It replaced the emotional connection to people. I learned to love things instead. When I found trusted friends in the real world I started to feel emotional connection with something alive. I was able to let go of things because people took their place as an „other“ for connection. I sometimes wonder if this is why some people hoard animals. A mix of „saving“ someone and looking for an „other“ to connect with.
Self-esteem
For most of my life I thought I was trash. Of course I would live surrounded by trash, we were soul mates! I didn’t know what self-care was, let alone self-love. I was sure that I didn’t deserve a nice place to live. One belief like that is enough. I created what I thought I deserved. With the help of friends I was able to confront these beliefs. I am still not feeling like a princess, but I have found some value in myself and I express it in my own home.
Inheritance
I have often wondered if hoarding might be a genetic thing, as it is visible in most of my family. The scientific articles I read were not sure about that. But it often runs in family lines. For me, I decided to cut off contact and to cut off every kind of inheritance. Some of it was learned. My mother keeps her whole „life in items“ stored in her home. When I was a teenager half of my closet was full of my baby and toddler clothes. I thought that was normal, to keep a timeline and just move to the next closet when one is full. I wasn’t taught that things could leave the house. Then I (!) left the house and moved out. I found a place like home for myself. And within that home I found homes for the belongings I brought with me. I started to create my own life. I am not my mother. I am not my siblings. And I don’t need a timeline in my home. I have overcome the family line.
Collections
I read that this can be a problem with hoarders. I know nothing about this. I have never collected anything. I don’t understand why anyone would. Sorry.
Priorities
Space is limited. Interests are not. With a dissociative system there are a couple more who want stuff, need stuff, like stuff… If everyone tries to create their own universe around you, you end up with a mess. Too many hobbies and areas of interest will just overwhelm you. We learned the hard way that we can’t have it all. Now we have priorities. The kids need their coloring books, but how many? One comes in, one goes out. If they can’t decide which one goes out nothing comes in. We do art, but there is no need to have oil or aquarelle colors when we do acrylic paintings already. We had to pick one. Our bookshelf only holds the books we will certainly read again. Which means they are books we read before, at least once, and we open them at least once a year. There is no room for lesser books and we give them away. We as a team need to discuss our possessions and make choices based on priorities. We would be lost in stuff otherwise.
Amnesia
We used to forget that we have things, be surprised by owning things, or by finding things in certain places where we never expected them. When there is chaos inside there needs to be order outside. Every single item we own has a place where it belongs. We discussed them as a team. We find new places for new items together. We now know what we have. It took discipline to get there.
Focus
Our job helped us with this one. It taught us that a task is always made of 3 parts: preparing for the work, doing the work, putting things away. We used to not do the first and last part. It meant that we started a project without having everything that was necessary. So we had to stop, got distracted… you know how that ends. And if we got to work on something we got side-tracked, didn’t finish and absolutely never cleaned up after ourselves. This is where routines have become our best friends. When we follow a routine we don’t lose track and finish our projects. And if we can’t finish them, we still put them away. No more chaos. We can only create a creative chaos when there is room for it. If we start with chaos the creativity won’t come. It’s just madness then.
Inner chaos
It shows on the outside. When we are in war with ourselves our home looks like a war zone. If we can’t agree on anything it will show. Our home used to be a wild mixture of styles, some classic, some romantic, some modern, some naturalistic. There are still leftovers of that visible in some places. Still furniture in 4 different shades of „wood“ spread over the house. But everything new that we buy has started to show a common style. We are a team now and it shows.
These are my observations and my story.
Today I own only what fits into my home easily. I keep a lot of space empty and free from distractions. Too much visual stimulation makes me lose my peace. The new things I buy are smaller. I own just enough. I examine every item that enters my home to see if it adds value. I re-gift most of my gifts to people who need that stuff, without feeling bad about it. Because I don’t feel the need to buy things all the time I am able to save some money. This gives me great security in case something really breaks. I am now able to replace it without having to fret and I discard the old things (sometimes it takes a while and sometimes tears are involved, but it happens) I do not experience lack anymore. While owning more than 60% less. When I feel stressed, I don’t reach out for stuff, I declutter.
I believe that we always create around us the reality we have within us.
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