For years I have been on a quest for balance for our DID system. Not just ordinary balance, perfect balance. We started out in chaos and I restored daily structure. I restored rhythm and routines and a system for adulting. And everyone was thankful for that.
Then I tried to establish a daily schedule, with fixed times for the Littles to have fun, times for regular workout and team meetings and all the other things we need to function perfectly as a system. And that was when I hit resistance. While we all agreed that these things are important, we found ourselves unable to stick to the plan. It was a plan for perfect balance, but only for a DID system in vacuo.
When we get up we are not always in the same mood. Sleep has been different. The inner relationships are different. The challenges of the day are different. Even without having to deal with a flashback, emotional triggers, outside relationships and whatever the world is throwing at us during the day. My perfect plans were like screws pulled too tight, they were breaking the material, us. The idea of one plan that would work every day of every week because it is so balanced in itself, had to go.
But nature is not without balance. Our pancreas releases insulin to balance blood sugar. Our heart balances blood pressure and heart beat depending on the physical exertion. Somehow we even balance the levels of oxygen in our blood by breathing. Nature doesn’t have an absolute balance, it adapts to what is going on.
This is harder to do, when you are a dissociated system. Dissociation means connection is low and balance doesn’t come naturally. Normal people put on a jacket when they feel cold. We have to remember to ask the Little who can feel temperature, if we need a jacket.
In nature, static balance never happens. The body doesn’t regulate itself to a perfect heartbeat. It never stops regulating. Our quest for balance has to be one of relative balance that keeps changing all the time. It was one of the hardest realizations for me, but we can never stop balancing, within the system, and in response to the outside world. This task will stay with us, no matter how far we get in our healing journey.
If this is our lot, we should better get good at it.
The sign of a healthy body is the ability to assess the situation, say blood sugar levels, notice when they are too high, respond by activating the pancreas and balancing by releasing insulin. If the body is unable to respond, you have diabetes. A lack of flexibility in response to what is going on inside of us or around us is always a sign of sickness. To get good at creating a dynamic balance at all times we have to let go of our idea of control and move toward flexibility instead. I am quite fond of control myself, but it was breaking us. Flexibility is not without an element of control, but it is self-control in any given situation, not control over the situation. Control is a myth. Flexibility works, it just has to stay in motion at all times.
So, am I giving up on my plans, my structures, my schedules? That would be throwing out the baby with the bath water. I am aiming for more flexibility within our structures, not for chaos (Read more about balance in the v-square). My plans can’t be set in stone. We have to take every day as it comes and review the tasks every day, to see if this is possible with the system we are today. It means allowing ourselves not to be perfect on tough days and to step back from tasks in the middle of an anniversary reaction. And that is not just „ok“, it is actually the healthy thing to do. A healthy system adapts to the challenges of the moment. A healthy system is in motion, always regulating, always balancing.
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