Some people with DID grow up thinking that having Others inside is normal because they always had a way to communicate with each other. But a lot of people are surprised by their diagnosis. They didn’t suspect anything and they don’t have any idea how to make first contact. There might be awareness of blackouts but there is no line of communication. This is one of the most difficult stages in DID treatment because it leaves us nothing to work with. Most of the instructions and tipps online cover inner negotiations. We cannot negotiate without a minimum of connection.
Two things to consider
While we are mainly unaware of trauma, our other parts are not. They got hurt badly and they have no reason to trust anyone. What looked like friendly approaches often ended in more pain. It is normal for them to be wary, mistrusting, angry and rejecting. If we want to win their trust, we need to prove that we are worthy of it. Trust is earned. It can take a long time of persistent positive efforts to show that we are serious and have good intentions.
Many hosts struggle to find the motivation to build connection. It means learning more about trauma and pain. Other parts might not be cute and thankful, they will be hurting. We need to find a bit of curiosity, kindness and persistence within ourselves, otherwise we will never be seen as trustworthy. The things we do to make first contact are just as much about us and developing the right attitude as they are about hidden parts.
Remove scary things
Why would parts show themselves if the spaces or situations they enter are scary or triggering? We need to check if our home would look safe to a traumatized part. People who are into gloomy or scary aesthetics might have to remove some items for a period of time. What is even more important is our lifestyle, our actions and the situations we get ourselves into. It might be time to learn how to cope without major self-harm, addictions, unsafe sex or whatever else we are using to numb ourselves. DBT can make sense here. Living with someone who hurts the body one way or another is scary and a good reason to stay hidden. This is, among other things, why safety is such a big topic in the stabilization phase.
Create an inviting space
Next, we do our best to make our life more inviting. It demands some mental and emotional effort and probably some money. Creating cozy places for rest often helps. Usually it is necessary to step out of our comfort zone and actually get things that are meant for kids: plushies, blankets, a music box, lego, toy animals, coloring books, stories for kids, colors and crafts materials etc. Depending on how young parts are some will have to invest in pacifiers or baby bottles. This is usually highly uncomfortable for adult hosts. We are not trying to produce a form of regression or humiliation. These things are not meant for adult parts to use. But if we have nothing interesting to offer there is no reason to show up and connect. Older parts will need more age appropriate things to get them interested.
Speaking out loud, expressing an invitation and good intentions can support our effort.
Find out what is liked/disliked
There will be a phase of trial and error as we bring in items and see if we can draw attention with them. For us, dolls were an utter failure and we won’t try that again but plushies are helpful. As we get creative and think of things that might be liked we can develop more of our curiosity and warm thoughts towards other parts. We become more caring as we keep them in our mind and heart. This step is pretty straight forward. Come up with new things, leave them out for others to notice, check regularly if they have been engaged with and in which way. Is it helping or are there signs of distress? (Yes, pretty much like making friends in Stardew Valley)
Stock up on liked items
If we find out about favorite food items, we make sure that they are always available. We can leave notes, explaining that we will provide them when they are needed. It makes sense to set important toys or books aside so that nobody else will use them (and possibly damage or lose them). This is the time where we start to build protections around liked things to show that we care and we are here to offer protection and provision.
Repeat
Keep doing what works. Repetition leads to predictability which is one component of trust. We need to be steadfast, faithful, reliable and consistent in the way we offer positive things and connection. Over time, we can add more words and explanations, share a bit more about who we are, our intention of getting to know them and creating a better life together. It might help to mention that times has passed, that we are a grown-up who is capable of protecting them and that bad people are gone.
Don’t over-do it
New information can be very challenging to accept and there might be little capacity to understand it. That is why we pace ourselves when it comes to facts about today and even the way we express care. Some parts will struggle to receive kindness (you probably know that yourself) and being too intense in our efforts can feel overwhelming. Small doses of regular check-ins and reliable care are good enough. Pushing is not going to make it go any faster.
Learn to interact
Over time we can become more familiar with who is showing up and when and they can become familiar with our voice and our way of doing things. We can start to leave notes with questions and a pen to invite answers. Maybe there are ways to connect through the toys or activities that are most liked eg by leaving out scenes of lego and checking for a response. That way we might use play to engage, even beyond the amnesia barriers. Teens might respond to songs we share and post a song as a response. Making use of private media accounts can be a tremendous help. We slowly increase the amount of interaction while at the same time we get to know each other a little better.
No rush
I know this can be hard because there are problems to solve but it is important not to push too hard and build connections too fast. Otherwise we might get flooded by trauma memories, despair and other intense emotions etc. We need to develop containment as we go, to make sure we stay safe and avoid crisis. Trying to get too close to parts can also be seen as a sign of bad intentions and ruin our trust-building process. Everyone needs some space to feel safe. There is no need to get really close right now. We’ve got years to work this out. The process cannot be rushed. People regularly overwhelm themselves because of misleading media representations that make it look like connection can be built in a day.
Being approached in return
Eventually, we might see other parts approach us with their own wishes or needs, opinions and views by leaving messages for us. It might be subtle and we need to watch out for it so we won’t miss it. Then it is our job to respond in the same caring, predictable and reliable way as always. We don’t change. We will do whatever we can. Their approach is welcome. It is ok to repeat it. We really are serious about being here for them.
The next step is to reduce amnesia and improve co-consciousness.
I want to encourage you to be patient with yourself and other parts. Trust is difficult. One of the most difficult things in trauma recovery. Just keep trying. Double check all your steps to make sure you aren’t compromising safety. In some cases, it is necessary to acknowledge that parts dislike each other, but we are stuck with each other, so we have to work out a truce with the shared goal of a better life for everyone. We can take these first steps while there is still complete amnesia and trust that capacity for co-consciousness will grow over time.