Being raised in an abusive family shapes the way we see ourselves and how we connect to others. We consider the dynamics of our family of origin ‘normal’ because we never experienced anything else. But these relationships are often marked by a chronic lack of boundaries, control, co-dependency and enmeshment.
A boundary draws a line around us. It says
“This is me
and my responsibility.
This is what I want and don’t want.
This is what I will do“.
When we grow up with our personal boundary being crossed over and over again we lose our sense for this boundary.
A healthy child develops a sense of “me“ and “not me“. Trauma families often only have a “we“, where the boundaries between family members are not obvious. It is part of the family culture that everyone is taking responsibility for the feelings and actions of the other one while disconnecting from their own. It is a fear-driven dynamic where people need manipulation to get their needs met somehow.
As children we might take on responsibilities of the adults, parent our parents and siblings or take on the role of a spouse. Later in life we will be unaware where responsibilities should be and take on things that belong to other people, confusing this with love.
Because we need a sense of separation from other people to know who we are, our personality development suffers and we feel confused and unstable. It becomes difficult to say what we like or don’t like, maybe this question never even came to our mind because it never made a difference anyway. We cannot express what we want and what we don’t want if we can’t sense ourselves.
All this leaves us with a feeling of powerlessness when it comes to managing our emotions, our needs and our life.
One of the big steps in our quest to freedom and healing is to learn to draw the line between us and other people. We need to define who we are and who we are not. It is impossible to have a sense of “ me“ without also developing a sense of “not-me“.
Actions and consequences
To avoid co-dependency in our future relationships we need to learn the difference between our actions and another persons actions, our responsibility and theirs, and finally, our consequences and theirs. We need to stay with ourselves by choosing our actions and dealing with our consequences. Let other people make their choices and deal with their consequences. If we take their consequences from them, they will never grow up.
Needs
Getting in touch with our own feelings, needs and wants can be tricky when we were taught that they don’t matter and will not be met anyway. Actually, they can be met, if we allow ourself to sense them and then freely communicate them in our safe relationships. It doesn’t need manipulation anymore, we can just say what we want. Don’t expect others to read your mind, that is a myth learned in an enmeshed family.
Feelings
In addition to our wants and needs we also have to draw a line between what we feel and what other people feel. Without being grounded in ourself the strong emotions of another person seem to flood us and we experience their fear, anger or hyperarousal, like it is contagious. With a boundary in place we can focus on regulating ourselves, while we let other people regulate their own emotions. There is no need to do it for them because they are grown up and powerful themselves.
Opinions and thoughts
We also need to learn to have our own thoughts, opinions and values. What has been true and normal in our family can be challenged and contact with healthy people could show us alternatives. Being able to disagree is a sign of being our own person. Being compliant has protected us. But it is not needed in our new, healthier relationships. We can choose what we want to believe about ourselves and the world, what is important to us and what is not.
Resources and body
The boundary between me and not-me also includes our resources and belongings and our own body. There is no natural obligation to share our money or items with anyone, nor to share our bed. We will feel guilty at first, when we say no to a request. We still don’t sense where a boundary should be and even just expressing one feels kind of ‘wrong’ at first.Then we need to remember that we are not withholding anything the person has any right to get. It belongs to us and it is our decision what we want to do with it. If someone responds with anger to our “no“, it is their responsibility to manage their anger and our responsibility to manage our guilt.
In some areas learning to draw a line around us needs an exchange with other people, someone we can say “ no“ to. Practice with safe people who will respect and celebrate your no as a sign of freedom in your relationship.
There is a slightly unusual method to improve our sense of me and not-me that I want to recommend: Try to de-clutter your home using the konmari method.
The idea behind this method is that you go through every item in your home. You pick it up and decide of it “sparks joy“ or not, listening to your emotional response to the item as well as observing your body language. If your shoulders seem to droop and you get smaller, the items seems to depress you, if you smile and lift, it is good for you.
We tend to have all kinds of items in our home because we are not intentional about boundaries of what is allowed to be there and what doesn’t belong to who we are. We can practice these choices and explore our own likes and dislikes, drawing a line that says “I want this – I don’t want that“ and “this is expressing who I am – and that doesn’t belong to me“, “this makes me happy – and that can go outside the boundary of my home“. It is a safe place to practice because you won’t have the resistance of another person – these are your very own boundaries with yourself and your home.
Getting to know ourselves and finding out where our boundaries are is a journey and the answers will change over time. Exploring ourselves can be a lot of fun and offer pleasant surprises. Becoming who we are is a constant adventure into greater freedom.
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