Boundaries are a key to healthy relationships. They keep us both separate from and connected to other people. Only a separation between two people makes it possible for them to relate to each other. They also express the limits of what we are willing to do or share, telling people how far this relationship will go.
A boundary defines
- who we are – and who we are not
- what we like and want – and what we dislike and reject
- what belongs to us – and who we want to share it with
- our opinion – not necessarily that of someone else
- our own feelings, needs, wishes and goals – seperate from what other people feel, need or want
- our right to our body – and how we accept touch
- access to our ‘invisible’ resources like time, energy or attention – which we can freely manage as we like
- our responsibility – as opposed to what others are responsible for
If we grew up in an enmeshed family we might first have to learn the basics of who we are, before we can set good boundaries. (More…) It might also help to challenge ourself to try new things to find out what we really enjoy.
Fences and gates
We can imagine a boundary like a fence around the property of our personality. It keeps the bad outside and the good inside. A good boundary has a gate, where there can be an exchange with the outside world, so that more good can come in and the hurt we carry from trauma time can get out.
What is the bad you want to keep out?
What is the good you want to keep in?
Is there something you would like to exchange?
(Classic boundary difficulties)
We set boundaries with our words and behavior.
The most basic boundary word is “no“. Because transgressions during trauma time taught us that our no is meaningless, we need to practice it today and experience that it makes a difference. Other examples for verbal boundaries are
- I disagree
- I won’t
- I choose not to
- Stop that
- It is wrong
- I don’t like it
- I don’t want that
- ….
- ….
We need to practice our ‘no’ within supportive relationships so develop security with the way we express boundaries.
Boundaries and consequences
When our boundaries are crossed, we need to communicate that. To add weight to a confrontation we have to include consequences. People are free to decide what they want to do, we are not trying to control them through punishment. We just inform them ahead of time what we will do when faced with a certain behavior.
The moment we tell someone what to do, we are doing it wrong. We cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. A boundary with consequences actually lets go of every attempt to control behavior and leaves it to the other person to consider the consequences and decide.
We have to make sure not to remove our consequences or to water them down, because they create a motivation for change. When people know that we won’t follow through with what we said, there is no reason to take us seriously, they will just keep crossing our boundary. A confrontation is not enough. It needs consequences and they have to be within our power to enforce them.
Examples for consequences
- I won’t allow you to stay over night again when you smoked pot
- I will take a taxi home when you drink and drive
- I will leave the room when you yell at me like that
- I will only meet you in public places, if you don’t keep a proper distance
- I will sleep at my aunt’s and tell her why, if you hit me one more time
- I won’t lend you any more money until I got back what you owe me
- If you don’t finish your homework, there will be no dessert
- I will leave at 5:30pm, with or without you
If we plan to set a new, challenging boundary with someone we have an unhealthy relationship with, we need a support system to be there for us. Irresponsible people don’t like boundaries and they don’t like consequences (help with defending a boundary). It is impossible to face the struggle (and maybe even aggression) that will arise when we face the response to a new boundary, if we are not protected and supported by other people.
Yes, boundaries might cost us relationships. But what kind of relationship is that, when you can’t be respected and free in it? And yes, we might not like the consequences that are needed to be safe, but they are the only leverage we have. Sometimes there is nothing left but to cut contact.
Exchange and responsibility
Interactions between people are often based on the wish for an exchange of positive things.
If we approach someone with a wish or need the first step is to communicate directly, to knock at their door. We don’t need manipulation or control (climbing over the fence), we can just say what we want. And we have to respect a ‘no’ that was given freely and not try to change it. We are responsible for our needs and how we manage them. We cannot blame our dysregulation on anyone else. Never feel entitled. We cannot expect people to take care of our responsibilities or fix the consequences of our behavior. And our trauma doesn’t entitle us to help. It was not our fault, but it is our responsibility now.
When we receive, we can do that with gratefulness instead of keeping an account of who gave and who received. If there were no conditions, we only owe a ‘thank you’.
When someone approaches us with a request for help we can choose how we will respond. We are not responsible to fix the problem, it doesn’t belong to us. We are responsible how we manage our own resources though and that is what we should focus on before we say yes. If our friends problem is the consequence of irresponsible behavior, we might not do them a favor by bailing them out. Owning our mistakes leads to maturity. Being rescued all the time leaves us ‘powerless’.
Every exchange needs a clear definition of responsibility, separating feelings, needs and expectations to avoid drama. If we over-identify with each other and mix up responsibilities the result will be co-dependency or control, but never freedom and love. Healthy relationships can only happen between separate powerful people.
Signs that our boundaries are improving:
- we get angry about things we haven’t even noticed before
- we lose interest in certain relationships
- we feel drawn to people with healthy boundaries
- our values change, we get priority
- our self-care increases
- self-esteem grows
- we feel guilt (= doing something wrong) because the new boundaries feel strange and unfamiliar at first. That will fade over time
- we appreciate hearing a ‘no’ from friends because it is a sign that we are both free
- when in doubt, we say no
Learning how to set boundaries needs time and patience. Trauma has damaged our abilities in this area and it is not an easy relational skill to begin with. Even a lot of un-traumatized people struggle with it. But if you learn it, it will greatly improve your relationships and solve old trauma patterns.
More about myths and misconception about boundaries
Leave a Reply