Growing up in an environment that didn’t support the development of healthy boundaries we learned all kinds of misleading things about their nature that keep us from setting proper boundaries. We have to dispel these myths that are holding us back.
Setting boundaries is selfish
Saying ‘no’ to someone is not depriving them of something that they are entitled to. You are not responsible for their need. If you want to be able to meet their needs in the future, you need to learn how to manage your resources well, so there will be something to give. Long-term, setting boundaries is the opposite of selfish. Like with the oxygen masks on the plane it is important to first make sure that you are taken care of before you try to help others.
Boundaries are a form of defiance
We often grew up in a family where obedience was enforced and we got used to expecting punishment for disagreeing. As an adult we are asked to participate in our relationships, not to obey. The power imbalance we experienced as children is gone. Even when saying ‘no’ to your boss about working overtime, you are pointing out a problem she has with managing the work load. People cannot expect you to give more than you agreed on. If they demand blind obedience it might be a good idea to leave. There is no space for a free person in that relationship.
If I set a boundary my lover will hurt me
If your lover can’t hear a no, it’s not love. It is control. Someone who wants you to agree to everything doesn’t want a partner in the relationship, they only want a mirror of themself. If who you are, what you want and think and feel is not valued, why stay? Some people get not just angry but aggressive when we set boundaries with them. That’s the reason why there should always be a support system in place before you start to enforce these difficult boundaries. You need people who’ve got your back in case you need to get out of the situation.
My boundary hurts others
People might approach us with a need, but they don’t depend on our resources. We have to stop thinking that we are the center of the world and the sole person who could meet someones need. There are actually billions of other people out there. They can turn to someone else to get their need met. Your friend might not be half as crushed as you think when you turn down an invitation. We tend to remember how we used to feel as children when we were deprived or abandoned, but that is not what is happening with our adult friends. They can handle a no.
Other people’s boundaries hurt me
We are not entitled to what belongs to someone else. Receiving a ‘no’ can be painful and we need to find a way to deal with our disappointment, sadness and anger and express it in a way that is free of manipulation and attempts to challenge the ‘no’. We are just experiencing emotions and they can be regulated. It is important to notice when these emotions are no more connected to the actual situations but trigger an emotional flashback. If we experience deep despair, loneliness, rejection and helplessness we got stuck in trauma time. Then it is not the situation that is causing the pain, it is old wounds. We need to take charge and manage our feelings and avoid putting the responsibility for them on our friends. They have nothing to do with what we are experiencing here.
If we want a powerful relationship, people need to be free to say no to us. Otherwise all we will get from them is compliance that is paired with hidden resentment. It is not their boundary that feels painful, it is our own need. We are responsible for that ourselves.
Interpreting a boundary leads to stories we are telling ourselves about the relationship, often stories of shame, that have little to do with the real reasons for a ‘no’ and cause tremendous pain. If we are insecure about reasons it is possible to ask.
When I set a boundary I am being mean
People who are not used to respecting boundaries or managing their own needs and emotions often react angrily when they are confronted with a ‘no’. Their anger is something that is coming from within them, not something we created. It has everything to do with them, not with us.
When we are first starting to recognize healthier boundaries we might experience anger ourselves and tend to lash out too hard. We realize how our boundaries have been crossed and sometimes a whole lot of anger about transgressions during trauma time comes up as well. We can use anger to give strength to our new boundaries and our tendency of over-powering them will decrease as we become more secure with our no.
Boundaries make me feel guilty, so they must be wrong
Because we are not used to setting any boundaries, everything we try will feel strange and somehow not right to us at first. We have to develop a true sense of where boundaries should be and until then they feel like we are doing something wrong, which is the definition of feeling guilty. This is normal.
Other people who are used to us not having boundaries might react with anger, which can be difficult to take. We are not doing anything wrong, they are just not used to us doing something right.
We are not obliged to meet other people’s needs. And when we do there is no debt to us other than gratitude. If giving and taking is tied to an invisible list of who owes whom you are doing it wrong. Receiving help doesn’t put us into a position where we owe people a yes later.
Boundaries are permanent
Saying ‘no’ once doesn’t mean it will never change. Circumstances change and so do we. If we keep communicating about the current situation we can adapt our responses. It is often possible to turn a no into a yes. It is often more difficult to turn a yes into a no. If we are insecure, it might be healthier to say ‘no’ for now, with the option of changing our opinion later.
What are the beliefs that hold you back from setting a boundary? Lets discuss them in the comments below.
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