DID doesn’t mean having several people stuck in one body. We are all parts of one person, yet we are different from each other. Without acknowledging that there is a difference, a separation, a split, we cannot heal. We need boundaries between parts to reach our goal of connection. Avoiding this reality by trying to mesh parts together will reduce our ability to self-regulate dramatically. It takes away the hope of integration.
When we look at the boundaries between our parts we will recognize that they are not terribly different from boundaries with other people. Instead of saying “ this is me and this is not me“ we have to admit that “this is me, and this is also me, but totally different“.
Learning what each part likes and dislikes, needs and wants is going to help our SystemWork. It makes it possible to love each other. We can take care of each others needs and show affection by granting wishes. It is possible, and healthy, to express needs to people outside the system too, but we need to discuss that in a team meeting. Adult parts are often uncomfortable with the child-like needs of Littles being expressed in their outside relationships. To navigate this it would be best to talk to our T first to draw the line where a healthy boundary should be.
If there are items that belong to a specific part it is important to respect that boundary and not handle them without permission. Breaking something is a big deal and requires reconciliation. It helps to communicate the boundaries of specific parts to outside people, if there is a chance they might be crossed. Adults can support Littles who are too timid to say something. Respect in this area will increase trust, love and care between parts. We feel more protected when our belongings are protected.
DID needs a special kind of respect for personal boundaries because we have to come to agreements to manage our outside life. Our team meetings are places where we can show our value for our different opinions and were we need to practice setting boundaries with each other. Every attempt to control will result in a power struggle. We end up in a deadlock, because what is true for outside people is also true for parts: we can’t control each other. If one tries to dominate the other there will be war, we might struggle about who is fronting and dissociate, so that our life comes to a stop. Learning how to negotiate with clear boundaries is a key competence for DID SystemWork. The result of our negotiation should be presented in unity to avoid double binds.
Regulating the complex emotions we experience as a system is easier, when we have good boundaries in place. They separate the emotions of one part from those of another. It creates the dysidentification that other people have to create through mindfulness and the distant observer. If we can be with a struggling part, but stay outside of their emotional struggle, we can lend a helping hand and support stabilization. If the boundary is weak, we over-identify with them or take on their responsibility to self-regulate, we render ourselves helpless in the face of strong emotion.
Managing the bodies physical boundary is a matter of negotiation and respect. Different parts will have different wishes. Especially when it comes to touch it becomes a sensitive topic. You can negotiate what is ok and what is not ok and you can also agree that at some times some parts might need to hide so they won’t be aware of the body. But you should never demand a level of intimacy that a part is not ready to offer. Our friends and spouse can support us by asking what is ok in a given moment.
Our invisible resources (time, energy, attention etc) are limited and they never seem to be enough for everyone. To avoid resentment and power struggles our goal has to be to find balance and answer to the needs of that day. Negotiating a basic daily structure can be helpful. Managing our resources demands good communication and the willingness to share with other parts. Our resources don’t belong to one part alone, not even the host. It is ok to set a limit to how much time Littles or adults get during the day or within therapy. It is the only way to live in peace with each other.
Like with our emotions it will be easier to handle life if we separate our responsibilities clearly. It is not just to avoid Littles feeling responsible for adult tasks and possibly repeating a trauma pattern, it mainly means that every part is responsible for their own growth and development. Only the part struggling can work through their problems and trauma. The others can support them, but they cannot take on the task. Every attempt to try actually prevents healing. We cannot rescue our parts from their experiences, emotions, pain or history. They need to learn how to manage them on their own without being overwhelmed. Nobody else can take the responsibility for their experience. Not another part, not a spouse and no T. It might sound tough, but even Littles can learn how to self-regulate, communicate and express needs instead of losing control and entering crisis. It is how they mature. Responsibility has to be age-appropriate, but it still has to be with that part and not with anyone else. The adults can help without taking on the responsibility. That way trust can grow.
Consequences can be difficult to navigate. The System as a whole will have to deal with the consequences of the actual behavior that happens in the outside world. It is important to figure out how the system got there and pass consequences on to the part who was responsible for acting out. It means that sometimes we have to deal with the outside consequences as a team and enforce a different set of consequences with the part who showed tricky behavior. We can only enforce boundaries that are within our power limits. If we try to set a boundary with consequences that involve the body we might end up in a power struggle over who controls the body. If declaring that there will be no more chocolate results in major dissociation in the grocery store because we fight about who is fronting, that won’t do. Take some time to think about consequences that are within your own boundary.
When our parts experience a struggle with their consequences we might feel that and feel the urge to offer relief. It is the emotional suffering of a consequence that leads to a change in behavior. If we take it away we limit our parts chances for growth. We can instead be with them and support them to manage their difficult feelings with empathy.
I hope that can see that boundaries bring forth a sense of safety and protection, connection and peace, trust and support. In other words, the fruit of boundaries is love.
Sometimes we can learn things in the safety of our SystemWork and then use them in our everyday life with outside people. Sometimes starting the learning process with our own system is too difficult and it is best to practice boundaries with friends and supportive people first and then use them with our system. No matter how we approach it, we cannot avoid getting good with boundaries, if we want to heal and feel connected and loved.
Leave a Reply