There is a difference between a discussion/negotiation and an argument/fight. One is trying to solve a problem, the other is trying to prove someone wrong, oftentimes using blame and starting drama or crossing personal boundaries. Entering a fight means that it will hurt, both sides, while it fully ignores the real problem.
We use a fool-proof concept to protect our boundaries and stay out of fights.
It begins with staying calm and keeping an inner distance to the other person/part. This is them struggling to regulate themself. It doesn’t have to touch us. We can just wait and observe. Disengage.
It might help, if you imagine the person/part as a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum.
Now find a place of compassion inside yourself. It really looks like they are struggling to regulate their strong emotions. That must be difficult to feel. They are probably feeling very helpless and out of control too.
So far you haven’t responded at all, you have just positioned yourself properly:
disengaged and compassionate
Practice taking this position. You need both parts before you can continue.
If you got that down, you can respond, using always the same oneliners* from a small collection I will share with you:
„I know“
„I don’t know (what do you think?)“
„Could be“
„Probably so“
„Nice try“
„What do you think you are going to do?“
„I bet it feels that way“
„Bummer. How sad“
„Thanks for sharing that“
„No problem“
Basically what these do is make you a cloud, you offer no resistance to their fight. You step aside and let them run in circles until they have calmed down, while your boundary doesn’t move at all.
oneliners
What a conversation could look like:
You asked the person/part to take responsibility and do a small task
„But I don’t want to do it“
„I know“
Then why do I have to do it!!“ (obviously not a question)
„I don’t know, what do you think?“
(This offers a chance to step out of the fight and think, but it is not taken)
„I think you are mean, you just want me to feel bad!“
„Nice try“ (staying disengaged)
(whining) „I will die if I have to do that thing now“
„I bet it feels that way“ (compassionate smile)
„You are the worst host/mother/person ever!“
„Probably so“ (compassionate nodding)
„I hate you, you are not my host/mother/favorite person anymore!
„Bummer. How sad.“
„You…eh…. I… eh“ (puzzled; 404)
Sooner or later they simply run out of things to say. You are not offering enough of a partner in conversation to keep this up for long.
This strategy will work with every person in your life, just memorize the oneliners and pick the one that fits the conversation best. They don’t even have to make sense all the time. They are great to effortlessly defend your boundaries, even with passive-aggressive people.
If you have DID you can use them within your system. They are not meant to replace negotiations, but they will help you, if someone is just picking a fight, especially when it comes to Littles or Teens testing boundaries. Strong boundaries will help them to feel safe with you. They will learn that you cannot be shaken and that mere noise and threats won’t move you. This will gain you trust.
If you want to use these oneliners you need to make sure to stay open for the real problem behind the argument. It still needs to be solved. Sometimes there is an actual need for support. You don’t want to silence anyone. You just refuse to engage in a power struggle that would hurt your relationship.
Our own teens sometimes get lost in tricky emotions, but they know this little dance by now. They snap out of it the moment they hear a „nice try“. It is when they realize that they have been given oneliners for answers, that this conversation won’t go anywhere and that they need to calm down and look at the real problem. Our teens will use the „nice try“ on the adults too, if they see them causing drama. It has become a helpful code for our system, pointing out when communication isn’t going well.
Doing this needs practice and you might want to write down the oneliners as a reminder. When they become second nature you are very close to being cool.
*oneliners are from Love&Logic, who offer parenting classes to raise strong children and stay sane while doing it. We learned some of their tools from „Loving our kids on purpose“ by Danny Silk, a christian parenting book that has become the foundation of our SystemWork, not just when it comes to Littles. If you are not bothered that the concepts are shared through examples in the bible, this is a must read to healthy (inner) relationships.
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