You don’t need to have DID to have younger parts inside of you who might sometimes get agitated, scared, confused and stressed. Ignoring them and pushing through will not solve the problem long-term. You use dissociation to even make it possible and it will only increase the inner despair. Calming Littles is not as difficult as you might think, once you have overcome your fear of paying attention to them. I will guide you through some steps you can take. They can give you a basic ideas on what to do, until you learn what works best for you.
Step 1: Make time
You need to take a break from what you are doing and make time to take care of what is going on inside. Take a bathroom break. Change the room. End the conversation. Go for a walk. Avoid your avoidance of your inner experience. If you are very stressed, make sure to calm yourself before you move on to step 2, maybe using a breathing exercise.
If it is not possible to take care of things right away, talk to your Inside and let your parts know when you will get to it. You cannot postpone it forever before you will have to start dissociating to keep the intrusions out. No grounding exercise in the world will help, if you dissociate to avoid inner communication.
Step 2: Problem assessment
Talk to the agitated part in you and ask what is going on and what they need. Even if you don’t have DID it is ok to talk to yourself and ask questions. You will be surprised about the answers. Some examples of typical problems:
Regarding the actual situation
- you all need a break and the part is more aware of it than you
- there is a specific need that this part is more aware of than you (e.g. hunger)
- you are in an overall scary or stressful situation and the part more aware of your discomfort than you
- you are with dangerous people and this part is more aware of it than you (like abusive family members)
- the part carries a specific emotions about the situation they struggle to regulate all by themself
- there are conflicts between your parts (including you) that you have not been aware of
- ….
- ….
Regarding trauma
- a child-like need was triggered. These are “old” needs that come up because of a certain situation in the outside world, but they are not connected to the now and therefore cannot be solved in the situation.
- “old” feelings were triggered. They come up in connection to a current situation, but the root is in the past, where the feeling could not be integrated.
- a traumatic memory was triggered
- a child part stuck in trauma time is coming into your awareness
- ….
- ….
Step 3: Problem solving
Hopefully you got at least a rough idea of what is going on inside. Then you can pick an intervention that matches the problem. If you are still not sure what the problem is, you can simply try all interventions until you find one that helps. It is a learning process and it’s ok if you don’t understand things yet.
Interventions regarding the actual situation
Listen carefully. Maybe it is time to call it a day. Maybe you should take a break for relaxation. At least gamify things.
Maybe the part can go to their safe place or you could create a safe place around them, so that they don’t have to experience the stressful situation.
Maybe they could use the company of an Inner Helper to reduce stress.
Maybe some calming guided imagery could soothe them. You can also use magic or items from the magic store to increase sense of safety.
Support them in managing their emotions. Anything that would help an actual outside child who is stressed can help your inner children as well. That might be singing a song, listening to a tune or story, touching a stuffy you hide in your purse, using a stim toy, coloring etc.
Take care of the need. It doesn’t just belong to that part, the part is just being aware of it for you all.
Discuss the situation and your safety. Make sure you are not just feeling safe because you lack awareness of danger.
Negotiate the reasons for spending time with difficult people. I always thought I had to be accessible for family, but when I cut contact it turned out to be a blessing and everyone could finally relax. Sometimes the Littles are right and the adults are morons.
Solve conflicts with a mediator or if necessary in a team meeting.
Maybe there is a caregiver part who could help with all that, while you keep managing your outside life.
Interventions regarding trauma
It is not too late to take care of an old need and have the part feel in the present, that now the need can get met. It will not change the memory of neglect, but it can help to ground them in the here and now. You can take care of needs by imagining doing so inside e.g imagine holding the part to sooth them. You take the role of the parent they did not have and give them the experience they need. It is not as difficult as it sounds. I am not good with outside children. But even just me paying attention, engaging and being there, not ignoring or pushing away, is enough. Because these Littles are not used to getting anything, the little I am able to give is huge for them. You cannot turn back time. Some things need to be mourned. But some things can also be experienced today and that will help some.
“Old” feelings often come up with a lot of intensity. Trying to regulate the feeling might not work because it is accompanied by hyperarousal and the part can’t function on a cognitive level. You yourself might feel sucked into it and struggle to regulate yourself. So your first step has to be a step back, to create some distance between yourself and the part you are trying to support. Maybe the position of the distant observer could help with that.
Then you can try to get their attention. Start to guide them through grounding exercises. Let them look through your eyes, name things they see. Let them feel with your hands while you touch different surfaces. Engage them in feeling movement. Keep talking and explaining the things around you. More about grounding dissociative parts using DBT Skills.
The goal is to distract from old thoughts and feelings and have them notice the present where they are safe. It might help to guide the part through a discrimination exercise to help them realize that the current situation is not the same as in the past. We use a certain blend of essential oils that the Littles learned means we are safe.
When traumatic memory was triggered you have two options after grounding. You can allow them to share a little bit of that memory with you to acknowledge that it is important and to show that you are not leaving them alone with it. Sometimes all the Littles want, is to be heard. They could use a sand tray or create a picture to contain it. That only makes sense when the mental capacity is sufficient to stay grounded and connected to the present while sharing it. Ideally you would be with your T to do that.
The other option is to lead the part through the imagery of containment. Littles often enjoy using the jumping box for that. It doesn’t mean that you will never have to look at the memory, but you can decide about the timing and pick one with your T to create a safe space for you to share. When memory is contained successfully you can move on to distractions or more soothing imagery.
If you are dealing with a “new” part who is still stuck in trauma time, you can ask your T for help or go through similar steps as described above; getting attention, grounding, soothing. The most important step is to connect them to the present, where bad things don’t happen anymore. For first aid you could help them out with a safe place and an inner helper. The realization that time has passed can come as a shock and you need to take it slow to avoid crisis. This is not solved in a bathroom break! Please ask your T to do this with you. More
I hope that this will give you some ideas on how you can start calming agitated Littles. Over time you will find out what works best for you individually. This is just a start.
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