Boundaries are a key to healthy relationships. They keep us both separate from and connected to other people. Only a separation between two people makes it possible for them to relate to each other. They also express the limits of what we are willing to do or share, telling people how far this relationship will […]
communication & relationships
Powerful people – powerful relationships
All people are powerful. But some don’t know it yet. Or they confuse being powerful with being controlling or intimidating. At the core of being a powerful person is self-control: the ability to make choices and follow through with them, to regulate our own emotions and needs and take responsibility for our own life. Self-control […]
The Circles of Relationships
All relationships are not the same. It is a myth that we could (or should!) treat people in our life equally and not everyone should have free access to us and our resources. We don’t have enough time, energy, attention, money etc to invest into every relationship in the same way. The circles of relationships […]
Cutting contact
Although cutting contact is a difficult decision, it is often vital for our own healing and growth. If a flower is not growing well, you change the environment. If we can’t flourish in our close relationships, we need to re-define them. “No contact“ is a new definition for a relationship, not the end of it. […]
Improving relationships with T.A.R.A.
Someone I respect often says that “you can’t change the people around you but you can change the people around you”. Concerning other parts of the DID system this is not an option. We are stuck with each other. Parts are different, it’s how DID works. We also often split into opposing extremes, which means […]
Calming your Inner Child: Help for stressed Littles
You don’t need to have DID to have younger parts inside of you who might sometimes get agitated, scared, confused and stressed. Ignoring them and pushing through will not solve the problem long-term. You use dissociation to even make it possible and it will only increase the inner despair. Calming Littles is not as difficult […]
Transitional objects in trauma therapy
Sometimes Ts offer transitional objects to take home with you til your next appointment, especially when they plan to go on a vacation or when things are a little shaky. What is that all about? And how is it supposed to help? For many survivors their T and the Ts office are like a […]
Keeping up boundaries without a power struggle
There is a difference between a discussion/negotiation and an argument/fight. One is trying to solve a problem, the other is trying to prove someone wrong, oftentimes using blame and starting drama or crossing personal boundaries. Entering a fight means that it will hurt, both sides, while it fully ignores the real problem. We use a […]
Endless Drama: Triangulation
One of my greatest breakthroughs in life happened when I was first introduced to the model of triangulation in relationships. It saved me from a terrible marriage. I will describe it the way I learned it from my mentor. He used to call it the „drama triangle“ because there is a lot of drama happening. […]
Negotiating relational regulation (SystemWork)
If you have DID and you read Skills for Yellow area (6/7): relational regulation it might have caused unrest inside. Most systems struggle balancing relational regulation. This is normal. Splits happened in situations with unsafe others and there was probably no helper around. It is normal for parts of the system to either crave this […]
Relational regulation
This post is based on The one most important concept you NEED to know to stop dissociation: window of tolerance Because our main goal is to stay within the window of tolerance, skills for the red/blue area should become rare interventions, while we learn how to regulate ourselves within the yellow area (dotted line) before […]
Mourning Loss (SystemWork)
Recently we had to say goodbye to a T. Someone we trusted enough to speak freely. Someone we allowed to see the things going on in the system. Someone in whose company we didn’t feel ashamed. There is no way to describe the extend of a loss like this. The whole system suffers. Some feel […]