As long as I can remember I struggled with chronic shame. You can find psychological theories that might help in The Compass of Shame and Understanding Chronic Shame. Today I want to share my personal keys and understanding with you. This might not work for everyone, but it has been a revelation for me. […]
Emotions
Managing helpless anger
One of the strongest and potentially most destructive feelings a trauma survivor can experience (apart from chronic shame) is helpless anger. It triggers the deep sense of powerlessness that we experienced during trauma time and combines it with the uproar of energy found in anger. We often can’t handle the energy and turn it against […]
Using anger (advanced)
We like to compare anger to a bonfire. If it is burning too high and gets out of control it can be destructive. If we manage to kindle it properly we can have s’mores. Like fire anger is not inherently bad. It just holds a lot of energy. Many traumatized people are scared of the […]
Dealing with anger (nonviolent communication)
We have decided not to use the tools of the abusers when talking to other people or within the system. It means that we do not use punishment as a tool in relationships. It also means that we try to communicate openly without manipulation or triangulation. These tools might have been helpful once, while stuck […]
Identifying your feelings (emotional numbing)
Before we can look into ways to regulate difficult emotions, we need to know what it is we are trying to regulate. Numbing is a common way of coping for trauma patients. When I first entered the mental health system I was unable to sense my emotions. My face was a mask that never moved. […]
Understanding chronic shame
Chronic shame seems to accompany trauma. It is even part of the criteria for cPTSD. We have not found a miracle solution since we last wrote about shame in the compass of shame. But maybe this will add more understanding. Shame is not a “bad” feeling. There is a healthy version of it that helps […]
Compass of shame
Chronic shame accompanies trauma and (together with helplessness) it seems to be the most destructive feeling we experience. We don’t have 5 steps to end shame. We can just share bits and pieces of insight about this. It’s not going to be enough. We haven’t found a way out of shame yet. Some T’s believe […]
Dealing with Guilt
For trauma patients it is normal to struggle with feelings of guilt . You are not alone with this. Let’s look at the difference between guilt and shame first. We like these short definitions: Guilt is thinking that you did something wrong. Shame is thinking that you as a person are “wrong”. Dealing with […]
The Path of Forgiveness
As a christian I am concerned about the way some christians, but also some therapists, push trauma survivors to forgive. Yet I believe that forgiveness is important. While I believe that forgiveness is a choice, this is too simple . It is tempting just to speak the words and then keep avoiding the inner experience. […]
Mourning Loss (SystemWork)
Recently we had to say goodbye to a T. Someone we trusted enough to speak freely. Someone we allowed to see the things going on in the system. Someone in whose company we didn’t feel ashamed. There is no way to describe the extend of a loss like this. The whole system suffers. Some feel […]
Overcoming helplessness: exercise your free will
The biblical word “repent” actually doesn’t mean to say you are sorry. It literally means “change the way you think”. It’s a transformation that goes deeper than mere words. Traumatized people often learned that they don’t have a choice. They felt helpless and they continue to feel helpless. But today offers choices. You are […]
How to find comfort when you can’t stand touch: weighted blankets
Touch is a basic need, yet for some it has become frightening, triggering and unbearable. Touch is one of the strongest way we can experience comfort: in contact with another person by being hugged and held. Its important. It is desperately needed. Yet often it is impossible. Stay with me when I explain how we […]