Understanding chronic shame

Chronic shame seems to accompany trauma. It is even part of the criteria for cPTSD. We have not found a miracle solution since we last wrote about shame in the compass of shame.

But maybe this will add more understanding.

Shame is not a “bad” feeling. There is a healthy version of it that helps us in social situations. It comes up when we act against our core values and deep convictions. Out of the “I did something wrong” which is guilt, there can grow an understanding that “something about me is not right, when I act like that” which is shame. It can be a power that helps us to become a better person, align with our core values and act according to the norms of the society we live in. There is a chance that this will strengthen our relationships and speed up personal growth. It will even protect us.

The problem is, that this is not the kind of shame we feel as trauma survivors.

We are often facing what I like to call “chronic” shame. It is not connected to a certain situation or behavior, our idea of what is “wrong” with us is vague or generalized, all we know is that there is deep despair connected to it. Sometimes we can trace it all the way back to traumatic events in the past. Rationally we know that it wasn’t our fault. So how did shame become a chronic condition for us?

We like Patricia DeYoung’s theory about that. It goes well with how we understand the world. I am hoping to be able to explain it in a nutshell. If you like reading dry theory you can find this in “Understanding and treating chronic shame”.

“Shame is an experience of ones felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other.”

What does that mean?

I believe that people were created for connection. We start with the dance of connection as infants. The child cries, the mother takes care, the mother smiles, the child smiles back. Ideally they find a rhythm they share, in synch with each other. It is called attachment and attunement. While we might not be aware of it, we keep dancing this dance throughout our life. Every relationship is full of cues and responses; communicating, understanding and meeting each others needs.

Something happens when this dance is interrupted because our partner doesn’t respond the way we need them to. Think of a mother who is overwhelmed and ignores the crying, or one who doesn’t notice that the baby needs a break from stimulation and therefore overwhelms the child. This is an example for “relation to a dysregulating other”. At the extreme of “dysregulating other” we find abusers: people who deliberately hurt us.

Abuse causes the connection to break. Trust breaks. Sense of safety breaks. And deep down inside something in our identity, our self, breaks. This is the “ones felt sense of self desintergrating”. The most extreme version of this will be visible as DID later in life. In the gap, the wound, the split, there is empty space where part of our deepest substance disintegrated. And that feeling, this broken spot, results in a deep sense of “being wrong”, which is shame. While we feel pain when we break a leg, we feel shame when something inside of us breaks because the dance of intimacy went all wrong.

I know that this is a big concept to wrap your mind around. I am hoping that you will understand this one thing: the chronic shame you are feeling is you sensing a broken place inside of you. It was not your fault that it broke. There is nothing wrong with you. This is the feeling that comes when connection breaks. And that feeling is called shame.

When we realize that we feel shame when interacting with someone, we check if it is “healthy” shame that could teach us, and if not, if we can find the place where the relationship broke and caused the fracture inside that adds to chronic shame.

If we dance the dance of intimacy and connection perfectly, there is no room for shame. Connection creates a sense of safety, acceptance and love. Instead of using a direction of the compass of shame we can return to the relationship and make an effort to fix it. To re-connect.

It is an illusion that you can keep connection up at all times. People are not perfect. Sooner or later they will be a “dysregulating other” for us. It’s not their goal, it happens. Mastering the dance means connecting, losing connection, noticing that you lost connection and re-connecting. The most important part is to re-connect. Your T will help you with that, they are usually masters of re-connection. Please understand that nobody, not even your T is perfect. If you leave when connection breaks you will miss the healing that comes from the effort of re-connecting.

We strongly believe that connection is the healing for chronic shame. It might take a lifetime, but it can get better. It has already helped us tremendously to understand that chronic shame speaks about the quality of connection, not the quality of a person.

This is a theory, a school of thought, not scientifically proven.

If you have questions about it, comment below and I will try to answer them.