Those who are sad need comfort. We may not know the concept of consolation because we never experienced it and had to hide inside a thick shell because grief would have been too great to bear alone. Engaging in consolation then requires courage. The emotional pain sometimes comes up very suddenly when someone offers us a kind word or a gesture, reminiscent of a broken dam. The foundation for everything we do in these situations is to be gentle with ourselves, to become softer and not resist the feelings. The softer we become, the less we stand in our own way. We don’t push the grief away, but carefully wrap ourselves around it to protect this place within us.
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Consolation in Community
Consolation, like co-regulation, takes place naturally within a safe relationship. Someone else sits with us with the grief and endures it with us, giving us a sense of support and therefore a greater ability to bear the weight of grief. Compassion, kind words, physical presence, possibly gentle touch and a general caring from another person, can support us in our process. Unfortunately, grieving is no longer as socially recognized and people tend to want to artificially cut the process short. We must avoid people like that or set boundaries. The amount of stupid comments you hear is outrageous and also a sign of our times. Nevertheless, we take as much space for it as necessary and specifically look for people who know grief themselves and can cope with it.
In therapy and clinics, there is sometimes this weird claim that we have to manage everything on our own when it comes to regulating our emotions. Bullshit! The most natural way to deal with grief is to share it in a relationship and comfort each other. Nurses in hospitals rarely have time for this and sometimes they have lost all understanding of co-regulation because the system is so artificial. It is normal and healthy to seek comfort from people. Only when this is not possible do we choose other means.
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Standing together inside
We can also comfort each other inwardly and thus strengthen our bond. We like to imagine sitting together in a circle around the campfire. Then everyone who wants to can tell us what hurts and what they are sad about. Speaking helps. If we are sad because a person has left our lives, we share stories about the person and remember them together. With the amount of Ts we have already left behind, it made sense to create a kind of memorial ritual. When we stand together inside, we are not alone. No one has to remain alone with grief. It is a little easier to carry it together. We can learn from people on the outside how to comfort others and apply that inside with ourselves.
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Common symbolic actions
Lighting a candle has proven to be a good ritual for us in the long term. Then I sit with the candle as I sit with the grief, as if I had made it visible. Every form of creative expression helps and opens up a new way of dealing with it. I just don’t always have the strength. Grief can be leadenly heavy and paralyzing and it’s okay not to do much then. I light a special candle in memory of something or someone and the way it burns down shows me how much I have already thought about it and grieved. This can show inner children that they have not been forgotten or ignored in the suffering they have endured and gives a kind of volume to the mourning we do. We balance the injustice with our remembrance.
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Sensory support
If we are in a dark cave anyway, it can be made cozy with blankets and pillows. We achieve relief by speaking to the senses and we can use our notes about pleasure and savoring for that. Interestingly, it is often the same things that we enjoy under normal circumstances that also have a comforting effect. When we are grieving, we just perceive them completely differently. Then they become a small band-aid on a big inner wound, just enough to give us some relief. Without them, however, it would be even more difficult. Those who are grieving might want to invest in things that are considered special or otherwise only serve as a reward.
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Food as comforter?
Food is comforting. This is always a controversial topic because it can be misused, but for now it is simply a reality. Favorite foods are allowed when things are very sad. Overeating only leads to numbing and that is not helpful and happens quickly. Food should therefore be used in a very targeted and limited way. Then it can support us and give us a moment of peace and some light in the dark. I now have a small hot chocolate bar with all kinds of chocolates, because warm, sweet drinks in the body make heavy feelings less heavy. It isn’t used often, but when it is, it’s used without holding back on anything. It’s all about moderation to prevent it from becoming routine and therefore no longer being consciously perceived.
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Sense of touch
Besides food, it would be good to have other ways to comfort yourself. There are still other senses left. All of our inside kids have their own plushies because cuddling helps and because you’re never too old for plushies. That counts as a necessary purchase. We like the Jellycat ones best. One of our plushies is the generally recognized trauma comfort aminal for the system and is used by everyone when things are particularly difficult. This has developed without intention.
In addition to plushies, cuddly blankets, favorite pillows, blankets and especially weighted blankets also help. This gives us something pleasant to touch. My comfort blanket has a specially selected surface that we find pleasant. Human touch is very effective, but not accessible to everyone. If it is possible, you can book massages, and that also has an effect. In very trusting relationships, forms of touch such as hugging, cuddling or similar are sometimes possible and if this is possible, it is worth its weight in gold. Pets are often perceived as sufficiently safe to cuddle with too.
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Other senses
We can also look at other senses to find more things that are comforting. Certain music, audioplays or audiobooks or your own recordings could help. I have recorded our favorite stories, which we have been reading for many years when we are not feeling well, as audiobooks. On days when we can’t read, the little ones can still listen to them and it’s almost as if I’m reading it to them live. Humming and singing from adult parts can show that we are there and comfort them. This is even more effective than the music box that we leave running for certain parts. Other people can also record things for us and hearing their voice as if they were there can have a strong positive effect. I also like to play around with scents and on days when everything is a bit more sensitive, I like to use a gentle vanilla scent.
Things that comfort you will certainly be different. Take your time to collect what helps you and pay attention to what the little ones and the big ones like. We all need comfort. Make a special list of non-food comforters to prevent problems with eating behavior.
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From a physiological point of view, grief is very close to a shutdown reaction. The body slows down. Sometimes you end up in numbing. This is not unusual and not forbidden. We do what we can and beyond that we don’t need to put pressure on ourselves. It’s hard enough as it is.
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You can find a useful exercise on how to hold grief safely inside at the end of this article
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