Sometimes shame is very persistent. All our efforts to silence it aren’t working. Getting rid of it is not an option because in the end we have to admit that it is part of us. It means we need to embrace and integrate instead of trying to remove. To be able to do that we need to explore our shame and get to know it better.
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Exploring somatic memories
Where in the body can you feel the shame?
What quality does the feeling have?
Does sensing it there remind you of anything?
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Sometimes our experience of shame is a somatic memory and we are not aware of the story behind it, so we think that it has to be a signal about today when really it is an old feeling. Once we know the story behind it we can work on integrating that memory to dissolve the body experience.
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Exploring unintegrated parts
Does the shame have a more male voice or a more female voice?
What age do you think this shame is?
If it had a human shape, what would it look like?
What mood is the shame in?
What is it trying to prevent?
What is it so afraid of?
Who does the shame want you to hide from?
How is it helping you?
What would the shame need to feel safer now?
What would the shame need to hear to calm down a little or relax a little?
How much about the present reality does the shame know? Is it stuck somewhere? Does it know how old you are?
Can the shame look around and see where you are and who is with you?
Can the shame notice that there is nothing to be afraid of right here right now?
How does the shame feel now?
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Many times when we struggle with an inner voice like that we are really dealing with a part of our personality or at least a fragment that isn’t integrated. We will notice that the part sounds like our mother back then, that it really speaks the way 5 year-olds speak, that it needs help. When we manage to get this part of us grounded in the present reality it can learn that the job it used to do to keep us safe is not needed anymore and find something nicer to do. It can relax and take part in a life that offers more freedom, the safety of being a grown up and the option to choose for ourselves. Frequent reality checks can help the part to calm down again whenever it gets triggered.
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Shame without a voice
Sometimes there is no way to speak to shame, there is no tangible response to all our efforts, reality checks do little to help except keep us grounded so we won’t get lost in the feeling. When we look at the shame response it turns out that it doesn’t make any logical sense. Feelings are meant to serve a purpose. In case of shame the purpose is to help us navigate social situations. If it is not connected to other people or actual situations, it isn’t obviously connected to a trauma memory and it isn’t a part, it might be a conditioned response.
Conditioning isn’t hard and it doesn’t need extreme violence to happen. You can check out the animal experiments to see how a stimulus is connected to a response. This kind of conditioning often happens in trauma families where certain patterns of behavior get repeated. Like a cue that is always followed by an action or an action that is always followed by reward or punishment. Sometimes this is done on purpose but mostly it just happens. The result is an automatic somatic reaction to cues we might not even be aware of. Shame without a voice can be just that, a learned physiological response. With mindful observation we can figure out what starts the response and find ways to manage it eg through counter-conditioning or changing small elements or finding loopholes. Staying above the sensation and seeing it as only a sensation is key.
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