Friends and helpers often ask how to create a safe situation for the survivors they care about.
I have already started to give answers on how to be a safe person. We will continue from here. Some of this is science-based, some is information collected from other survivors, some is my own experience.
We describe triggers support-people should try to avoid, at least common ones, so if you are a survivor yourself, please be aware that I will mention things that might make you feel uncomfortable. Always take care of yourself first and remember that these are just typed words, nothing bad is happening.
Creating safe situations
Meeting in public places can be very stressful for us. Few of us can stand in the middle of a crowd and feel comfortable. A wall in the back, a window seat, a corner or plant, anything that would offer protection at least at one side would be a relief. Crowds are not an ideal place to meet with us.
If possible, don’t meet with us in small, or cramped places. We easily feel trapped. If a small room cannot be avoided, offer us the seat that is the closest to the door or let us pick a seat and invite us to go outside to catch some breath whenever we need to.
Some might feel uncomfortable when a room is too empty because it reminds of prison cells, maybe there is a middle way.
Don’t block the way to the door. Some feel most comfortable when they can see the door when they talk to you, others when they are closest to the door, the door is important. Make sure not to create an obstacle in our escape route. Don’t ever lock the door. Hang a sign outside that tells people you will charge $1000 from everyone who enters, but no matter what your reason are, don’t lock the door.
Create comfortable lighting. A lot of us are sensitive to bright lights or scared when it is too dark, so some warm indirect lighting would be best. Ask us if the light is ok, invite us to change it any time we need to and allow us to wear sunglasses when we absolutely can’t stand it. Yes, even indoors. It is a trauma thing. We feel weird doing that too, but it can help.
Whenever possible, create a quiet place without intense background noises, especially drilling, children screeching (like playgrounds) or vibrating bass drums. It is not just distracting when we already struggle with focus, it can make our nervous system get unnecessarily stressed and dysregulated.
For some it is helpful to reduce all sensory stimulation, including intense colors and moving pictures. Don’t keep the TV on in the background.
Make sure the room has a comfortable temperature, we get stressed when we freeze or feel too hot. AC or opening a window for some oxygen helps, so does a nice or at least neutral smell. You don’t always have control over these things, but then you need to expect that we are more stressed and plan for that.
Warn us beforehand if anyone else will join our time together and answer our questions about that person so we can check if they are safe for us.
If we are planning to share any kind of intimacy, and that starts at vulnerable conversation!, make sure that we are in a place where other people can’t just observe us eg through a window. If we trust you enough to be vulnerable with you that doesn’t mean we want the world to see.
Try not to do anything behind our back. I mean literally, don’t stand, walk or do anything where we can’t see what you are doing. If you absolutely have to do something behind us, speak and describe what you are doing so that we can stay oriented. You will notice that we will naturally walk half a step behind you, don’t force us to go first, that is what they do in prison and horror movies.
If you have kids, make sure they are fully dressed while we are around. Naked or half-dressed children can be extremely difficult for us. (Don’t post photos like that on social media. They will be abused and distributed sooner or later, it is the internet.)
Most of us are really good with kids and enjoy their presence. But some can be triggered or even switch in an uncontrolled way. Because of the trauma we might freeze the moment a child who doesn’t know any better crosses our physical boundaries, which means that they could become abusive towards us and we could not prevent it. You might have to protect us from your younger children.
So please talk to us to check if children might make the whole situation a minefield for us. If we struggle with children it doesn’t mean that we reject your children or you, we just experienced difficult things when we were a child and every child is difficult for us.
The same could be true for your partner, dog, hobby, you name it. We might need you to keep some things or people away from us for now.
Don’t leave obviously triggering things lying around. Neither your personal erotic collection nor cheesy romance novels nor the bloody towel from when the dog bit himself nor your boyfriends underwear nor… You will never be able to avoid that by some freak coincidence something like the fringes of your carpet or similarly weird stuff will trigger, but you also don’t have to be stupid about it.
If we tell you that something in the room is triggering, like maybe your tripod and camera in that corner, make sure to cover it or put it away. Don’t just tell us that we will get used to it, that is not how it works.
Offer something to drink or a snack. That signals that it is not a threatening situation and can help our nervous system to calm down so we can be more engaged.
Put away your phone. It creates this idea in our mind that everything is more important than our conversation and you are just waiting for a message so you can turn away from us. It can create unnecessary relational ruptures if you do.
Make plans for our time together. Make them with us, whenever possible, let us choose. At least inform us about the plans and ask our opinion. Don’t just ask us if we agree. We are often too intimidated or scared of rejection to step in for our own needs. So always use an open question and leave room for us to be part of the final decision or disagree.
This should give us a foundation for spending safe time together.
If you are a survivor yourself, what are the things you need to feel safe in a situation? Leave me a comment below!
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