Growing up in a trauma family often means learning that mistakes are not tolerated. Caregivers might have expected us to do things right every time, even if it is the first time we try. We found our own strategies to cope with this toxic atmosphere by hiding ourselves and our mistakes or by trying to become as perfect als possible, eliminating chances for errors through harsh control, perfect plans, stable performance. As long as we don’t fail we are safe.

We can compare this to the way old-fashioned companies work. Employees get trained in a specific task, they are expected to do the task perfectly every time, they get evaluated regularly and if they aren’t perfect enough they get fired. Like the hierarchy and outdated leadership style we already looked at, this is an old way of doing things and innovative companies have changed their procedures dramatically. This whole concept of dealing with mistakes by putting a lot of pressure on someone to cause fear as a motivation to avoid failure belongs to TraumaTime. The need for extremely specialized parts who only do one job perfectly is over too. We need broader skills for today.

 

 

Mistakes are inevitable

No matter how much we try to control things, that control will never be perfect. Life happens and interferes with our plans. We are different every day and our performance will change, our best looks different every day. There is no way to eliminate mistakes. We are no robots and even robots make errors.

We need to let go of the idea of stable, perfect performance. On a good day we might get close but those are the exceptions. Maybe we tell ourselves that as children we learned to be perfect and get things right from the very start because that was what was demanded of us. But when we are honest we will see that we always went through a learning curve. We just had no support when we failed at first. We didn’t get a safe atmosphere to learn in like other kids do. But there is not a single thing we were instantly good at without practice. When we try new things, we make mistakes. There is no life without mistakes. It is time to let go of that goal. It isn’t needed for survival anymore.

 

Befriending failure

Since we can’t get rid of mistakes we might as well get more familiar with them and start a healthy relationship. Then we might notice different types of mistakes that show us how to manage them.

 

Necessary mistakes

Some mistakes are needed. They usually happen when we try something completely new, maybe there is no script or manual and nobody has tried it before. We need to try something to see if it works or not and if it doesn’t that is failure but it is also a huge step in understanding the project we are working on. We found a new way that doesn’t work. This is what modern companies celebrate. We learned something. Instead of brainlessly trying to do one thing perfectly we work in a team and try out new ways. The goal is to learn, not to perform. Trying new things enriches life and it will always come with new experiences, some of them failure. We need to embrace the learning effect of that failure, which actually makes it a success.

 

Other mistakes are a sign that we are in the middle of a learning process. When we learn a new instrument we will place our fingers wrong because we still have to learn how to shift them the right way. We usually notice it and correct ourselves. Practicing is how we get better. And it happens in all areas of life, even when we don’t realize that what we are doing is practice. Notice how often your seemingly stupid mistake really shows that you are getting better at something you already grasped theoretically but still have to learn practically.

 

Unavoidable mistakes

Then there are mistakes that happen because we didn’t pay enough attention or didn’t have enough focus. If we could have avoided them we would have because we know better. These errors get worse when we put pressure on ourselves. Stress has a negative effect on our attention. We can gently ask ourselves what we need to avoid making this mistake again. Often the answer is a break, a moment to clear our head, attention in other areas like pain management or looking after an inner problem. Something rather important might have distracted us. What we usually need is a bit of comfort because we feel bad for making a mistake like that, and regulation. It is so easy to beat ourselves up. Check what you could do to help yourself regulate after this moment of fright when you noticed something went wrong. The solution might look suspiciously like self-care but it is good to do it anyway. It is not a matter of deserving anything. Just a matter of regulating yourself. Proper regulation helps avoid more unnecessary mistakes.

 

Often we are not the only factor in a situation that leads to failure. It is always good to check if maybe it wasn’t our fault or not ours alone. We cannot control the whole world and no matter how prepared we are, sometimes things don’t work out. We end up in situations that look vastly different from what we expected and all we can do is make the most of it. That will look different from what we aimed for. Then we can celebrate how adaptive we are. By not holding on to impossible goals we manage to get a reasonable result. In contrast to situations in TraumaTime the world does not end when this happens. It might not be ideal but it isn’t dangerous. It is usually uncomfortable but rarely painful or life-threatening. The more we realize that nobody is coming after us because today we are grown up and safe, the easier it will be to find alternative ways to manage the situation and turn it around to make the most of it.

 

 

Context

There is a natural tendency to narrow our focus when we get stressed and suddenly our whole world is limited to just this one mistake. We can drown in the feelings, fatalistic thoughts and expectations. We lose context. When we take a deep breath and move our awareness away from the mistake we can start to notice all the other things that are also happening or existing. Relationships for example. Maybe there are other people involved who actually like us and try to support us and when we notice that our fear of punishment can dissolve. In other situations adding back the context could give us perspective and let us realize that the mistake isn’t even that big or meaningful and it is simple to move on from here with just one easy step. There is a whole life happening and this failure is just a tiny aspect in it. Trauma makes it feel out of proportion and huge and adding context puts it back in its place. (More about reality checks)

 

 

Ending Self-elimination

Apart from trying to control and optimize everything we do we might also try to eliminate failure by eliminating ourselves from the situation. Since we are convinced we are the biggest failure in the room (or maybe that is just me). Then we might try to become invisible. Nobody is supposed to notice us. We just do our thing and as long as we do it well enough /without mistakes we won’t draw any attention. It is incredibly stressful to live like that and it leaves people wondering what is wrong with us. We try to not be present or tangible but that is irritating for others and we end up getting negative attention.

Maybe it can help to return to the idea of the new company where teamwork is valued. Everyone has something to bring to the table. Its not all mistakes. A lot of it can be cool ideas, unique perspectives and an actual personality that people might like. When we hold back all of that because we are too afraid that who we are will mess up everything we rob the group around us of valuable encounters. Not showing up is the bigger mistake than showing up as merey human.

It is ok to practice in baby steps and just ask yourself: If I didn’t try to eliminate myself from this situation right now, what would I do? Practice at home or in safe situations. This takes the focus away from mistakes or from trying to control or optimize a situation. It invites more presence. We can take a moment to be real instead of trying to perform perfectly. No need to be efficient in any way. Just being you is more than enough. Notice how it feels when you unfold your Self a little bit instead of making yourself small so only your perfect work is seen. This is what a lot of situations today need from us. In this modern world it isn’t all about performance. It is about being someone and contributing as that someone.

 

 

These are personal reflections based on Amy Edmondson’s ‘Teaming’ and I am very much still trying to figure it out myself. I will let you know when I find out more.