Denial and self-doubt is such a common problem in dissociative disorders that some argue it should be part of the diagnostic criteria.
The definitions of denial include the refusal to admit the truth or reality of something or a refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal
Psychology has its own definition of denial as a defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided. Events are blocked from awareness, because they would be too difficult or uncomfortable to handle.
Denial is stronger in dissociative disorders when there is more stress. We just don’t seem to have the distress tolerance to face the reality of extreme violence or parts. But while it is helpful to keep our stress levels in mind when we are facing denial, it is also not enough to explain the severity of the issue and why it is so common with structural dissociation. If we want to find out how to manage denial, we have to understand the core of the problem first.
In the heart of structural dissociation there is a disowning of parts of ourselves. When we got hurt we separated from that pain, we disidentified ourselves from the part of us who carries the pain now and cut our connetions. That way we won’t have to face a reality that was too difficult for us as a child. We moved it out of our awareness. The parts of us who carried on with normal life were kept from facing the reality of abuse. One could say that structural dissociation is the extreme end of denial. We don’t just disown our knowledge of a small piece of information, there is a disavowal of huge chunks of our history, memory, emotion, thoughts, needs and personality.
Now that the part/s who manage daily life are separated from the awareness of everything trauma-related they don’t have access to these memories. The separation even shows in our brain structure. ANPs are considered to ‘live’ in the prefrontal cortex where logic is available, EPs ‘live’ further in the back of the brain where it is about emotions and survival. It can often be impossible for the ANP to know the trauma, become aware that this is their trauma too or tap into the emotions of trauma. Flashbacks can be the only moments when it feels real, then later when they look at the memory they are out of touch with it again. Sometimes there might be flashbacks where they just witness how they lose it from a distance, without actually getting in contact with a memory that would explain it.
It is absolutely normal, that everything trauma-related feels like it doesn’t belong to us. That it is just a dream, not real, that we must have made it up, that we are a fraud claiming we had trauma or DID. Thoughts that nothing ever happened or that we are exaggerating, that things were never bad enough to cause DID, are absolutely normal. We can’t own this reality right now, we split it off and we are out of touch with everything inside of us that stands for this reality. We are even out of touch with the brain regions responsible for this information. That is what structural dissociation does. No wonder it doesn’t feel real! It can’t!
It doesn’t mean that the reality of abuse or other parts doesn’t exist. We dissociated it and now we can’t reach it, even if we try and it can drive us nuts trying to understand something that is split off and therefore cannot feel real to us.
(Therapists need to be cautious here. It is this feeling that is shows up in transference and that leads to a rejection of the correct diagnosis simply because something feels wrong about it)
So how do we cope with denial?
The first step is to stop pushing. Stop trying to figure it out with logic. Thinking happens in the brain area that is split from the reality we try to understand, it is not a tool that can build a bridge here. When we find yourselves caught in cycling thoughts and not being able to think anything else than how this cannot be real, it is time to take a break, distract ourselves, create a sensory experience and give our mind a break.
When we are stressed we tend to separate from inner parts even more, the dissociative barriers might get more intense, communication can be impacted. These are not the right conditions for trying to figure out something that is hidden from our awareness! We can’t understand something that cannot be understood, only felt.
Once we got out of our obsessive thinking to solve this puzzle we can activate our curiosity and move towards mindful observation. Then we can notice what we can experience right now. Maybe that means emotions someone inside is sharing, or pieces of communication. It needs practice not to stumble right back into denying it but if we only notice what we experience at the moment the doubts will go away. This is actually our experience, we are aware that we are having it. The question of how it is possible is not that important, it just leads us back into trying to solve things with the logical mind where they can’t be solved.
Being in contact with our current inner experience can, over time, open up communication and sharing between parts. We can start building bridges and reconnect with the disowned reality of our past. If we stay close to the felt reality of the experience it keeps us from slipping back into our dissociated logic. We need one foot in the logic, one foot in the experience, using mindfulness for balance and curiosity to move us forward. The way to overcome the denial is by re-connecting and accepting what is there.
We will have moments where we dive deep into denial, even after years of therapy work. Sometimes the things we open ourselves up to knowing are still too big, we go back to our tested and tried coping strategy by separating from this reality. Then denial can simply be our guide that tells us that we are going too fast and our steps are too big for us to cope. Taking a break from working with the system or memories can bring relief.
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