“Same but different” (discrimination)

When we have a flashback or otherwise start to confuse present and past it is important to notice the differences between the present and the past situation.

We do this using an exercise that we call „same but different“ and that Ts would probably call discrimination. (That sounds racist. But it’s not.)

 

Discrimination comes from the latin word discrimen. It means

„1. separating line or wall, distance, gap, space in between 2. difference, discernment, decision 3. crisis, danger, distress“

We are in a situation that feels like crisis, danger and distress. What we will do is focus on differences and our ability to tell apart (discern) to create a gap, a distance between the present and the past: we will separate them.

Discrimination is the right word. But our Littles can’t pronounce it so we call it „same but different“. That describes the way the exercise is done. (And it makes it sound like a game.)

 

To play „same but different“ you need to identify the trigger, the person, situation or thing that caused you distress. A trigger can be visual, but it doesn’t have to be. Smells, sounds, body sensations and even movements could be triggering.

When you found the trigger, and maybe you have to ask inside, you can find out what this trigger reminded you of. The memory needs a little bit of context, this tool doesn’t work with unspecific fragments.

Now you have 2 things that can be compared and discriminated. Maybe you can keep them next to each other on an inner screen, to create some emotional distance and look at it from the position of the distant observer.The goal is to make you absolutely sure that these are completely different things.

 

You can write it down or do it in your mind, but collect all the things that are the same in both scenes.

Let’s say you have a co-worker and he reminded you of someone who hurt you. Maybe he has the same haircut, jacket or nose as the person from your past. Try to find every similarity.

Then look for differences. Maybe he is taller, has a different body type, he wears glasses, doesn’t have a beard and so on.

When you found as many differences as you can, return to your list of similarities and look at them closely. I bet you can still find differences in them. Maybe this guys hair is dyed, not naturally the same color. Maybe the jacket is shorter and made of a different material, maybe his nose isn’t so red or hairy. Go into as much detail as you need to make sure that you find the differences in all the similarities.

It works like a zipper. You first close it by finding similarities, reason why this would belong together, then inch by inch you find the differences, open the zipper, until you have reached the bottom and find that these are fully unrelated scenes that are not connected anymore.

When we do this we are astonished that we ever thought that there was a similarity. In this situation it is not dysregulating anymore. The distress is gone.

To do this exercise you need to be brave and look at what scares you. It is counter-intuitive to look at a trigger that closely. There are times when you can avoid triggers. But sometimes avoidance is not an option (like when you have to work with that person or in that place) and in that case, discrimination is your tool of choice to stop the trigger, at least for this situation.

Just make sure to regulate yourself and stay within your window of tolerance, the place were thinking and learning happens. If you cannot look at the trigger without being flooded, use containment instead.

 

 

 

Advanced: trigger elimination

Pointing out the differences can help us in a moment when we got triggered and often it is enough to keep us oriented but it might not be enough to stop the trigger from activating our memories long-term.

Triggers can be rendered powerless through trigger exposure.

Trigger exposure means that we seek the presence of the trigger on purpose while staying regulated so that our brain can create a new memory (that being around the trigger is harmless) that will overwrite the old memory and become the dominant reality. It doesn’t mean that the trauma is processed, but it won’t get triggered in the same way as before.

Trigger exposure, especially in DID, only helps when it is prepared and executed properly. Don’t just expose yourself to triggers!

 

Before exposure:

Identify the trigger and play ‘same but different’ as described above. Pay special attention to differences between the situations past and present. Then pick the most convincing differences that make you feel absolutely certain that the situations are different.

With DID, identify the part/s of you who react to a certain trigger and guide them through these steps. The differences you pick should make the most sense for the triggered parts, not necessarily for everyone else

Think of a safe way how you could expose yourself to the trigger. It takes about 30 minutes for the brain to overwrite the old memory sufficiently, so that is how long you would confront yourself with the trigger. Some triggers naturally only exist for short moments, so you will just have to repeat the exposure persistently.

 

For the exposure:

Create a safe environment, make use of strategies for self-soothing or relational regulation.

While you face the trigger, you use orienting self-talk, explaining to yourself in a gentle way why this situation is different from the past situation, using the most powerful differences that you identified before. Repeat as much as needed.

Always stay in an active position, don’t just endure it. The moment you slip into a passive state of submission to the situation you need to stop, otherwise the exposure will just confirm the trauma pattern.

It will probably be very uncomfortable at first and then you will slowly be able to calm down as the trigger loses its power.

 

When we do this with DID, it would be best if the part who usually reacts to the trigger is actively involved with the process, repeating sentences, observing the trigger, regulating. They don’t need to front, but they have to be at least co-conscious. Other parts can support them by pointing out differences, reminding them of the present, keeping them oriented and involved.

Pay close attention to the triggered part to make sure they don’t slip into passivity. The moment they get too dysregulated to pay attention or withdraw from co-consciousness you need to interrupt what you are doing, reconnect and help with regulation and orientation.

Trigger exposure in DID is team work. It is a good way to practice for deeper processing.

 

If everything works out, the trigger won’t be triggering anymore. You eliminated it.