Everyone has attachment. It is how humans are built. Not everyone has secure attachment though. The 3 insecure attachment types are anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive and disorganized. The vast majority of people with DID have disorganized attachment when we look at the whole person. This presentation is based on some parts who are attachment seeking and anxious and others who are avoidant. When they take turns or engage in power struggles it looks disorganized or ‘borderline’.
Attachment types are not set in stone. People with insecure attachment can learn how to trust others and relate to them in a more stable and less fearful way. That is called ‘earned secure attachment’. In some systems it will be easier to work on that with an outside person and then take it inside. I found it easier to work on attachment between parts first and then allow that to influence the relationships to outside people. This is advanced work that I would place mid to late in therapy. It takes years.
What would earned secure attachment look like in parts?
Attachment-seeking parts
- they turn towards your older parts or host when they get insecure about something instead of panicking
- they trust you to protect them and manage the situation for them when things are difficult
- they don’t feel scared or abandoned when you cannot respond to their needs immediately
- they develop more tolerance to wait because they know that they will be taken care of eventually
- they don’t seek care outside the system or try to get others to save them
- they feel better about themselves and are aware that they are important for the system
- they know that they cannot be abandoned because you are all in one body anyway
- they trust that they are allowed to ask for what they need
- …
- …
Attachment-avoiding parts
- they acknowledge the good in others and think better of them than they used to
- they are willing to cooperate, even if they could have done it alone; they become team players
- they allow us to do things we are better suited to do and trust us that we will do them well
- they don’t hide their struggles and failure and allow us to help
- they slowly open up about their emotions, vulnerable topics and painful stuff in their life
- they develop more warmth for other parts and more tolerance for depth in their inner relationships
- they trust others not to mess with their weaknesses
- ….
- ….
How do we earn secure attachment between parts?
Responsibility to be present and safe
The first responsibility is with the adult parts. We overcome our fear and then we practice to act in a predictable, reliable way that is not changing much, even if we are challenged. We offer a steadfast presence, patience and our full attention regularly and repeatedly. We become the tower of strength and the bastion of calm by regulating ourselves and offering co-regulation to others. We do our regular check-ins, we talk the others through the plans for the day and create routines around their needs. We don’t use relational tools from Trauma Time like Blaming, Shaming or Punishment. When (not if) we mess up, we make sure to reconcile properly. Our space inside, with each other, is a safe space for everyone and we make that a predictable reality. By showing up consistently, caring and acting for the benefit of the system, we win trust. It doesn’t need more and at the same time, this is a lot. We offer ourselves as a secure partner for attachment. We need to be safe and act savely. That means that we need to manage ourselves. A lot of ‘normal’ adults don’t have self-management skills like that. It takes effort to learn how to do it.
A mindset that is helpful long-term is one of full commitment. It has to grow because we will start out with a lot of anxiety ourselves and we grow into maturity over time. A firm commitment looks like this: ‘I choose the system. I choose each part. I choose you. And I am committed to this relationship above all else. I won’t opt-out when it is difficult because that wouldn’t make any sense. I literally can’t leave. We are in this together and I will be right here if anyone wants to approach me. There is no way to change my mind.’
A radical commitment like that is new for other parts. Maybe they can feel how serious we are about it. There is no other option. A true Yes to ourselves will always include the whole system which is who we are. The German word for commitment (Verbindlichkeit) contains the word form for binding things together. So does the German word for attachment (Bindung). I don’t think it is a coincidence.
Responsibility to dare something
The other parts have a responsibility too. They have to watch us carefully to see if we are being truthful. We don’t have to do everything perfectly but we have to mean what we say and do and they can watch to check if that is the case. And then it needs a little bit of openness to let something good in.
For avoidant parts, trust is not earned by being able to do things for others, it is earned by allowing others to support us. That is hard to hear. It would be a lot easier if our own trustworthiness could give us trust in others but it only confirms our trust in ourselves. First attempts to allow others to be kind to us can be small and focus on items or activities instead of emotions. Someone is trying hard not to leave us alone in our pain and isolation and they mean well. It becomes our responsibility how much of that we allow to touch us.
Attachment seeking parts have the job of being very present and aware when someone takes care of their needs and notice it and if possible, remember it. We can collect all the moments when we felt taken care of and not left alone with something too big for us. Parts with low self-esteem might benefit from thinking about ways to help the system from their position as an inside child who doesn’t have to earn anything. Maybe we can remind the others to eat or remember the birthdays of friends. Being able to do that means that we are not weak or helpless, we can do our part to make the system successful and that can feel very strong and kind of cool. We are important to others like they are important to us.
A steady exchange like that creates an atmosphere of trust and grace with each other, a safe space to be merely human. We need that. We don’t have to be more or less: who we are is fine. We are all both vulnerable and strong and we can be vulnerable and strong together and for each other. We can learn to trust in our strength and have faith in each other to manage ourselves well. Everyone is free to be the best version of themselves, when there is a safe space where we don’t have to fight to survive.
Why should we bother with this?
Earned secure attachment between parts is a long-term project (we are talking years, not months) that takes daily effort. We need to become someone to make it work, someone safe. It is ok, not to be good at it at first. And we will benefit tremendously if we learn how to be that way with each other.
A secure connection with other parts will reduce amnesia and out of control behavior. They know that they don’t have to fix it themselves, we will fix it together. The way we build connection leads to more cooperation. Secure attachment with each other is a kind of integrative action, although you won’t see it listed like that anywhere. We are working on this to create a sense of connection and trust in ourselves. That is something that was lost because of trauma and we can recover and restore what should have been ours all along. While we do this, we restore our sense of safety with our inner experiences. What is inside, stops being scary. For all the parts. We learn to have psychological safety with ourselves, which is the foundation of a happy and successful system. Knowing this safety within will help us to recognize it when we experience it with people around us who are proving themselves trustworthy over time. Because, here is the thing: earning secure attachment heals our ability to trust.
Trust and Belonging
Trust might be the hardest thing to heal in complex trauma recovery. It is so much easier to work through memories with a nice and clean technique. But that only reduces the flashbacks, it might not have a big impact on our ability to trust. I often meet people who tell me that their trauma therapy is finished because they have processed all the memories but as we talk it becomes clear that they still suffer from their inability to trust other people, and sometimes themselves. We work on being a safe person for our other parts to take one step in our journey to heal trust. We cannot control how other people treat us but we can control how we treat each other. Earning secure attachment inside before trying to learn it outside is the safest way to do it that I know. It can make a difference for systems with hosts who have highly avoidant attachment. For other people it will be more useful to work from the outside in and practice this with a therapist or helper. I just want to tell you that it is possible to work from the inside out if trusting other people is completely impossible for you right now. It is worth it. Trust and safety with others is needed for a sense of belonging. Those are some of the most precious things in life. They are worth it all.