One of the more trendy tools for emotional regulation right now is called emotion surfing. We can imagine emotions like waves. They start, build up intensity, reach a peak and then they go down again. Maybe we experience only one wave, maybe there will be more. But they will all go down again and the experience will fade eventually. We can use mindfulness to ‘ride’ those waves, to stay on top of them and not get drowned by them.
There are different ways you can surf emotions and I will share some. They all have in common that they are only meant for emotions that are bearable. If the intensity is so high that they are unbearable it is better to use distraction or other coping skills. Emotional flashbacks are better managed with any kind of parts work. Only feeling the flashback will not change it or make it better.
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In classic mindfulness we will be guided to notice our emotion, our body sensation and our thoughts and to allow them to be there. We follow them with our attention as their quality changes naturally and they eventually fade. This is the most commonly used instruction:
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Tune in
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notice your experience
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accept it
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stay with it
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remind yourself that this will pass
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notice what comes up next
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stay with it
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repeat
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This has been manualized into step by step instructions for DBT
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Take an observing position inside
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name the emotion
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rate the intensity
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notice your body
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notice your thought
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notice your impulse, don’t act
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notice your breath
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repeat all this until the emotion faded enough
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If you know me a little, you know that I am not a big fan of artificial approaches. It is good to know that body, thoughts, impulses and breath are important but I think it is more beneficial to just notice and stay with what is actually happening instead of forcing my attention in a direction of something that is not on the surface of the experience an that moment, only because it is the next step on paper.
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When people with complex trauma try this, they can run into serious problems.
The first issue can show up when trying to take an observing position. Many of us are already, maybe even chronically, observers of our emotions instead of experiencing them. When someone tells us to become an observer, we don’t use mindfulness, we use dissociation to step back from the experience. That is not what is supposed to happen here but we might not know how to observe without dissociating. That is why I prefer the first instructions. They guide us to tune in and be with the emotion instead of being too far away. It is not just about observing our experience. We need to own it and stay with it.
The second big issue is with instructions not to act on impulses. This is great when our impulses are harmful long-term. But emotions also come with natural and healthy impulses that show us how to regulate ourselves. If suppressing impulses is all we are ever taught (often since childhood) we learn to mistrust important and healthy cues. It makes no sense to hold back helpful impulses just because the exercise says so. Instructions not to act and just to endure the experience can let traumatized people slip into a survival pattern. We hold still and endure, like we have always done it. That is not regulation and it is not emotion surfing. That is a freeze response. Learning to trust our own body intelligence that it is able to tell us how to cope is huge for trauma survivors. Today we are allowed to follow our healthy impulses. There is no need to artificially hold them back. This exercise gives us the best results when we add means for regulation instead of just observing. Don’t make things harder for yourself by just enduring your feelings.
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You can surf an emotion while following an impulse and see how it changes the wave. When you have the time for it and you experience a need to hide, go hide!
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Find a nice spot that feels safe, grab whatever you need to make it comfortable and hide as best you can
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then tune in with the emotion
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Notice,
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stay with it
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what is it like now?
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Pay attention to what it feels like to hide so well, how you are covered,
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pay attention to the body sensations of hiding
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Notice what happens inside
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stay with it
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what is it like now?
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Notice
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repeat
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in case a new healthy impulse shows up, follow that one
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When we do this, it is important not to hide and dissociate right away, something we might automatically do because we are used to it. We need to stay present and mindful for it to work. It is ok to follow healthy impulses while also riding the wave. (More about impulses) Hiding is just one example.
Some impulses are healthy but not appropriate in the situation and then we can imagine doing these things and notice how that affects the wave.
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Another aspect that I think is important is dual attention and maybe even pendulation. While we notice our feelings, we can also notice the room around us. We stay with a sensation and also feel other sensations at the same time. Tuning into our breath is one example, but any kind of orientation and grounding will do. We surf the wave and feel it deeply while we also breathe or look outside the window.
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This is how I prefer to include dual attention:
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lean back against a supportive surface, like a chair or a wall
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notice the support in your back
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hold one hand in the other hand in a supportive gesture in your lap (More)
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notice the support you feel in your hand. And then your hand and back at the same time. Support sandwich!
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tune in with yourself and sense your emotion
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notice any aspect that is on the surface right now (body sensation, feeling, thought, impulse)
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stay with it for a while
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notice the support in your back and in your hands
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tune into everything that happens between back and hands, the inner experience
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notice what is going on
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stay with the experience and hold it between your hands and your back
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breathe
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notice the quality of your experience and if there is anything new
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sense that and stay with it
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repeat
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I am using a body sensation for dual attention here which helps me sense containment. You can use visual anchors or any other kind of helpful sensory input. When the emotion gets too big it helps to take a break, focus on something else and once you feel more stable you can return to the inner experience. In this version we will feel a closer connection to our own emotions. They are not just a force of nature we ride, they are within us and can be held there safely. I personally dislike calling this emotion surfing because it ends up being a slow and intimate moment with myself and not a sport.
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Use whatever version fits your situation best. If you need step by step instructions so you don’t lose track of what you are trying to do, use the structured approach. If you have more advanced skills of being able to stay with your experiences, pick one of the others or combine the elements that seem the most helpful for you.
The moment you realize that you are beginning to dissociate, switch tactics and use another strategy. Distraction is a valid way to regulate. There is no need to feel everything fully if it isn’t serving us at that moment.
If you have the tendency to hold still and endure, pay very close attention to avoid freezing. It just adds to our overall stress and can cause retraumatization. And maybe this is not the right exercise for you at all. Just because something is trendy doesn’t mean it is helpful for everyone, especially once dissociative parts are involved. There are other ways to manage emotions.
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