Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation can be challenging when we get overwhelmed with a feeling and we don’t have a plan how to manage it. I will share with you the systematic approach we are using, in the hope that it will give you some guidance as well.

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Before we do anything else

We need to regulate arousal levels before we try to regulate an emotion. Use your gauge to check if you are within your window of tolerance. If you are in hyperarousal (flight /fight) or shutting down, use your DBT Skills or orientation&grounding exercises first.

When you have calmed down, take the perspective of the distant observer. That way you can manage the situation without adding to the emotion (More). If another part of you is experiencing the emotion, make sure to create some distance between you so you won’t get overwhelmed by it. Without a desidentification with the emotion we cannot manage it.

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Assessment

To regulate an emotion we need to identify what it is. Notice your thoughts, body sensations and impulse for action. Maybe you want to write them down for later.

The next step is to do a reality check. It will help us to figure out, if the emotion is old, new or a mix of both. Emotions sometimes feel impossible to regulate because they are mixed and our response to the present does not meet the need of the past.

[A reality check can sometimes be a shortcut to regulating emotions, because we reflect on our interpretation of the situation. Our brain is wired to create a narrative when there is information missing. By stopping the narrative and changing the interpretation we can sometimes dissolve the whole emotion.]

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You can sometimes be insecure about the nature of the emotion. You can never ever be sloppy with arousal regulation, the distant observer or reality checks. If you try to proceed without them, you will fail. And I will be there like an angry squirrel jumping up and down in front of you, if you do. Remember my words, a jumping squirrel, making outraged squirrel noises. Do. not. skip. these. steps!.

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When we know if an emotion is new, mixed or old we can continue as follows:

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New emotions

Find out what caused the emotion. They don’t just happen, they are usually the response to an event (inside or outside). More

Does the intensity of my emotion match the actual situation? (Go back to your reality check for help)

If the intensity is appropriate for the situation, find out the need that it is pointing towards. Check if your impulse for action meets that need and if it does, just follow your impulse.

If the impulse does not meet the need, you can find another action that does.

You can also simply wait and let the emotion pass, if there is no need to act.

If the intensity is too high, you can regulate it down.

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Regulating emotion down

You can use the different parts of the emotion to reduce the intensity.

Thoughts: humans tend towards cognitive errors like all-or-nothing-thinking, generalization, catastrophic prediction, premature conclusions…. If we can change our thinking a bit, it can change our emotion tremendously. (full article coming soon)

Impulse for action: sometimes following our impulses means that we are stabilizing the emotion instead of dissolving it. If we try to figure out the opposite action to our impulses and act according to that instead (if we feel like it or not!) it can get us out of a stuck place.

Body sensation: a feeling basically shows in our body somehow. That is how we even know we are having an emotion. If you can locate the feeling, you can describe it and see if you can find something that would change the body experience. Changing posture can be key. You can go into the natural position your body wants to have with this emotion, and then open the posture for something new to happen, go back to the old, try the new, until you are unstuck. Don’t forget to breathe.

If you are overwhelmed by working with the emotion directly you could also use

distractions and

containment and

ask your T or another person to help you (More)

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Mixed emotions

To figure out mixed emotions we need some kind of discrimination so we can discern between new feelings about the new situation and old feelings about the old situation (emotional flashback). If you have DID it will help to figure out who has these feelings.

Take the time to identify the different emotions. For the new feelings continue with instructions above. For old feelings see below.

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Old emotions

When you noticed that old emotions were triggered, you can check if maybe this is appropriate for the situation.

Sometimes there is old anger or sadness coming up as part of the therapy process and this is a good thing and part of healing. If this is happening, you can ask yourself if the intensity of the emotion is ok and manageable.

If yes, you can take time to actually savor it, to grieve or to share it with someone.

If the emotion is too intense, use the tools for regulating emotion above.

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Often our old emotions are not helpful, they are stuck and cause disruptions in our life today.

Sometimes these stuck feelings serve a purpose. They act as protectors so we won’t have to face more of the sad reality. This is especially true for guilt and shame. They will dissolve when we allow ourselves to know the truth and they are not needed anymore.

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For every other kind of old emotion we or parts of us experience, we need to get oriented in time, space and body.

We can talk to ourselves, explaining the year, our current age, the job we are working in now, the names of our kids… All the things that remind us that we are adults/ have an adult body now and that trauma time has passed.

We can do classic grounding exercises where we look around to mindfully perceive where we are with all our senses. It helps to speak and tell ourself all the things we see, especially those that remind us of today.

We often forget about getting oriented in the body, but it can be one of the strongest grounding moments, to mindfully make yourself aware that the body is grown, injuries are healed, you can move around as you like and you are big enough to reach the top shelf. (If you have DID Littles who have never seen the body before, please do this in the presence of your T only. It can be quite shocking at first.)

When you are absolutely sure that you just had an emotional flashback/ a Little who was stuck in trauma time got triggered and you are oriented now, you can choose how to continue.

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Maybe it is a good idea to share the whole experience in therapy, so you can process the memory. Processing means that it won’t get triggered like that in the future and you won’t have these strong emotions come up anymore. You can mourn the memory and move on.

And maybe there was an unmet need in that past situation that you could identify. Then there is the option to take care of it now. It won’t change the past, but it can bring some relief in the present. You can do actual things to meet the need, like wrapping yourself in a blanket, or you can imagine taking care of your younger self/ a Little on the inside. It takes patience and kindness with ourselves, but it does soothe the old emotions a bit.

If all this is not an option, use the tools for regulating emotions above. You might need both containment and distractions as well as imagery.

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Please note that the more structural dissociation we have, the less we can treat this like an emotional flashback and the more we need proper ego state/ system work.

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More about

helping triggered Littles

emotional regulation for DID SystemWork

exercise for influencing emotions

needs