The Path of Forgiveness

As a christian I am concerned about the way some christians, but also some therapists, push trauma survivors to forgive. Yet I believe that forgiveness is important.

While I believe that forgiveness is a choice, this is too simple . It is tempting just to speak the words and then keep avoiding the inner experience. Words alone will not heal the deep wound of traumatic injuries and it will not solve the inner conflict of pain, sin, guilt and justice.

The process of forgiveness has to go as deep as the injury itself.

 

We have identified 7 milestones on our path to forgiveness.

1. acknowledge and accept that “it” really happened

2. acknowledge and understand that it was wrongful

3. acknowledge and accept that it wasn’t your fault but someone elses

4. acknowledge and understand the full consequences these actions had/have on your life

5. accept and address your own pain in that

6. let go of all your wishes for them to make it right again somehow

7. give up your right to balance this injustice by doing injustice yourself. This is the actual act of forgiveness, the choice. If you are religious, maybe you can hand this right to a God who is Justice.

Reading these steps you will notice that even just the very first of them is huge, frightening and it can feel unbearable. Don’t let anyone push you towards “saying a step 7” when you can’t even think of taking step 1.

Every one of these steps is a milestone of healing. it is a path to freedom. I want to invite you to walk it and take no shortcuts. This includes pain, suffering, deep emotions and hard choices. It’s a path that will change you, create a greater depth in you, new capacities for grace. There is a chance you will become someone greater than you ever thought you could be. You need to know that who you are becoming in this process is more important than if you reach the end quickly. True beauty arises from walking this path completely. So, forgive! But don’t rush it and take every step necessary on your way.

[Notice that all this has nothing to do with reporting the abuse. Those who break the law should be made responsible and be judged under the law. But no sentence in the world can help you with your inner need to balance injustice. You have to deal with that for yourself.]