Dealing with Guilt

For trauma patients it is normal to struggle with feelings of guilt . You are not alone with this.

Let’s look at the difference between guilt and shame first.

We like these short definitions:

Guilt is thinking that you did something wrong.

Shame is thinking that you as a person are “wrong”.

 

Dealing with guilt seems easier to us.

First you need to do a reality check: Was it really you who did something wrong?

Most survivors believe that the abuse was their fault somehow. This is simply not true. Cannot be true. Abuse is always the abusers fault. By definition. Do not entertain thoughts that say anything else.

If you want to hang on to this feeling of guilt you need to ask yourself what purpose it serves and how this obvious lie makes you feel better. Answers to this are very individual.

A common one is that it makes you feel like you have been in control somehow. It can be harder to bear the feeling of utter helplessness than to live with a feeling of guilt. While this is understandable it will prevent healing on the long run. The only way to overcome the trauma is to accept the helplessness and work with the truth: You were helpless, not guilty.

Another common reason is that by taking the guilt upon yourself you avoid to admit that a loved one is guilty. Especially when the abuser is family and you want them to be good, there is a confusion where to place the guilt. You end up taking it for yourself to avoid seeing them as faulty. You need to take this guilt and return it to where it belongs. Destroying your ideal picture of them is the only way to healing. You can face the truth.

It is possible to keep avoiding the truth, you are free to choose that too. It is a choice against change.

 

Some have been forced to do bad things by the abuser. Does that make you guilty? Did you have a choice? Did you come up with this idea? Did you want to do it? You are absolutely not guilty for things you were forced to do. You were used as a helpless tool by those who are guilty of the deed. Again, this isn’t good for your pride and sense of agency, but it is true and accepting this will give you a chance to heal.

 

Maybe you did something wrong, this is not just a feeling of guilt, you are actually guilty. That doesn’t mean that you need to keep this feeling forever. Ask for forgiveness, try to make amends, at least take responsibility for the consequences of your behavior.

Here are the 5 steps of reconciliation as we were taught them:

 

1. This is what I did wrong/how I hurt you ______________.

2. This is the pain I believe I put you through by it ______________.

Ask if this is right and if there is more you need to understand. Make it a goal to understand their pain.

3. This is how I feel about putting you through this pain _____________.

Attention! This is not about your feelings (of guilt), it’s about how you feel about THEIR feelings/pain!!

4. Express your sincere desire and intention to change this behavior and not bring this pain into the relationship in the future. Don’t promise if you are not sure you can keep your word, but promise to do your best.

5. Ask for forgiveness for the pain you brought. Look them in the eyes.

 

Don’t do this unless you mean it. This is a way to take ownership of your mistakes and restore relationship. Take any action needed to make up for what you did.

Notice that it is NOT about you. It is all about their pain. Forget yourself for a moment.

Guilt can be very self-centered and keep you from taking responsibility for your mistakes. Some people are so absorbed by guilt that they are blind for anyone else. When you try to overcome guilt you do it by fixing the relationship you damaged, not by somehow looking at your feeling! The guilt will leave as soon as you have taken responsibility and have done all you could do to make things right again.