When we work with our DID system, we can face situations where traumatized parts were cut off from the normal world. They have never been in contact with it and all they know is the world that the abusers created around them. Especially in organized abuse, the world that they know will have a limited number of people and places and extremely limited actions that can happen, most of them traumatic. When we try to work with them we will run into a language barrier. Sometimes words mean different things to them but more often, they just have no idea what we are talking about. There is no concept of ordinary things in their mind. Their concepts fit into the trauma world where other things were ‘normal’. Maybe they have heard of stuff but they have never experienced it and have no felt sense of what it could be like. Our efforts to ground them in the present reality are beyond their ability to process. Realities crash into each other and it becomes overwhelming. They cannot smoothly move from one reality to another, alien, one. We need a bridge that connects our different worlds.
Meeting halfway
We can create a space inside that serves as a place between worlds where different realities can meet in a protected setting. Parts from both worlds can come together to learn about each other. There is no right or wrong way to see reality, just different experiences that can be explored.
Parts who live in a halfway house get their own room that they can decorate. The community spaces are kept neutral and there is a way to look outside at current events. While there is knowledge about both worlds within this space it is neither one nor the other and nobody is allowed to try to turn it into the reality they know best. It stays a neutral place that does not take sides or shifts in any direction.
Rules and Tasks
Since it is our own creation, we can choose our own rules and concepts. I believe that it is helpful to keep rules to a minimum to avoid overwhelm. Harm nobody. Destroy nothing. Stay dressed.. No punishment. These rules apply to everyone who lives or visits without exceptions. The first important lesson trauma parts can learn is that rules apply to everyone and others have to follow them as well.
I believe that it is helpful to introduce daily routines that parts who live here can join. Basic self-care routines like regular meal times, a sleep schedule, hygiene or similar basic actions that the whole system does and trauma parts can join in. That can be plenty difficult! It creates rhythm and helps with orientation. Tasks are not rules and parts are encouraged to join but they are not forced. We can have Talks about their expectations before they join us and they can always just watch. A new felt sense of a present day experience probably won’t happen through watching alone though and becomes accessible when they sync up with us for a moment.
Another useful task could be one honest expression of something that matters to the part each day. I have a small notebook where I invite parts to write poems. They don’t have to be good, just honest. Others might prefer drawing something which is the better solution for very young parts or those who don’t have words they can use.
It might not sound like much but this is plenty to figure out for them and it doesn’t need much more on a daily basis. It is necessary to check on their needs and stay flexible with the way we handle things. This kind of work is a creative process.
Talks
A halfway house is a meeting place, so designated parts of us should visit it regularly. I think it is wise to check in with parts who live there daily. And sometimes when the timing is right, we can sit down at the kitchen table (or wherever you tend to have your personal conversations) and talk.
We can exchange how we experience life right now. We ask them and we listen to understand, not to respond. They will see the world through the filter of their past and there is a lot to learn for us. We will hear about their experiences, the rules of their world and how they made sense, why they believe certain things and what they expect in a given situation. They can teach us how situations usually developed in their world and how they ended. We can then share how we understand the recent experiences, how our world functions and which rules are important, how it makes sense and how situations play out where we come from. It is a bit like talking to someone from a different culture. No judgement. Life is just different in these different realities. It can also help to reflect with them how we experience the halfway house, its own rules that are neither here nor there and how interactions play out. Parts might honestly share with us how they experience us and we can give them feedback on how we experience them. Experienced therapists can be part of this conversation. Eventually they can start to point out the logical fallacies of the abuser world. Because it was a made-up setting meant to benefit the abusers it will have flaws. Realizing that something was off about the trauma world can help parts to understand it all in a new context.
Integration
As we learn from each other, we gain the knowledge that helps us to be safe around each other. We learn why someone is acting the way they do and they might learn that it is unnecesssary to act that way now because things play out differently. We can slowly become more familiar with the other world. These trauma parts are like refugees who cannot return to the place they left. We need to find a way to integrate them into the new reality. This new world can be interesting and exciting and make integration easy. But it can also feel so alien that it needs time to process emotions and grief before a part can open up to new possibilities. They have lost everything they have ever known. But they don’t have to get rid of their memories or their heritage. That is not how integration into a new culture really works. We bring some things with us, especially knowledge, but we become aware of the new rules and ways life happens for us and others. Nothing is taken away but we add more and different things that might become more prominent in life because they are more useful in this new world. One place where we could experiment with change is in our private rooms that we can redecorate over time to match what we have learned and experienced. Nobody has to leave the halfway house if they are not ready. Take as long as you need. A new world is waiting patiently. You are already halfway home.
Actual places
Sometimes creating in inner space is not enough. Survivors with especially extreme backgrounds can feel like aliens in this world and have very low ability to function in it. In these cases, finding an organization that helps with real life housing and support is helpful. Other systems somehow manage daily life well enough to live on their own but they have parts who can’t use their imagination. It might be due to old rules of their world but it could also be a lack of cognitive functioning that still allows them to sense things with their body but doesn’t lead to a lot of reflection or creative thinking. Real life experiences have to build a bridge into the reality today. We can then turn our home or certain areas of our home into a halfway house. It becomes the safe space where both realities are known. Outside our window is the current reality. And in our safe space we can share what we know about different worlds and introduce the new reality through real life actions and sensations.
This kind of work needs a lot of patience. It is not always necessary. When it is, we are usually dealing with parts who carry extreme experiences and who only know a trauma reality and they cannot imagine another world. All that they know follows different rules than our world. Then we have to compare what we know, learn why different rules make sense for our different settings and offer gentle and guided contact with our world if it is accepted. A neutral place like this can be the bridge that helps these parts to get used to new ideas and find a new home in this world. I have never tried this with more than one trauma part living in a halfway home at the same time. Bigger settings introduce new interactions between parts that could make or break the concept, depending on how things develop. You will need the help of an experienced therapist to figure out how to do it successfully.
There is a famous quote about extreme abuse that says that survivors will never find a home in this world again. I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe in finding refuge and integrating into a different world. It will not become a world without extreme abuse in it because it is the truth that it is happening to someone somewhere. But it doesn’t have to be our only reality or our present reality. The real world is complex and full of all kinds of experiences. Maybe, if we are allowed to have a neutral space for new encounters, we can find a way to a new sense of having a home in this world.
This article is based on the Vielseits- Principle, an approach used by a german Halfway-Home for severely traumatized people, their website is in german