Someone I respect often says that “you can’t change the people around you but you can change the people around you”. Concerning other parts of the DID system this is not an option. We are stuck with each other.
Parts are different, it’s how DID works. We also often split into opposing extremes, which means that we might not share a lot of common ground. Being different can lead to conflict in our values, beliefs, needs and preferences. Sometimes we realize that there is only one thing we share: both sides struggle with how the other part is.
If we want to get anywhere with our SystemWork and not live in an eternal power struggle and drama, we need to change our approach in our inner relationships. As long as everyone is trying to be King of the Clan there will be fighting that will distract us from living a meaningful life in this world. We will be caught up in inner struggles and everyone will be miserable. We need a shift from being right to understanding each other. From being the King to being the servant. Kings demand. Servants listen.
I will share with you the 4 stages to understanding, following the acronym TARA. They are mostly meant to bring peace between adult parts who are firmly grounded in the present.
Tolerance
I am not talking about the being-a-decent-person tolerance but rather a window of tolerance kind of tolerance. It means learning to be around each other without going into flight/fight mode. And learning to be around each others opinion without running away or challenging it; to look at the other one without any attempt to convince them, persuade them or otherwise change them. It might help to remind yourself that you have a similar experience in that moment, so at least you have one thing in common.
In our system Part A is a believer in God while Part B is a strong believer in herself. Missionary attempts are not appreciated. Neither is the ridiculing of faith. We had to learn that we need to stop that discussion and let each other be. We don’t need to understand each others belief. We had to understand each other. That opened the door to exploring why each of us believes what we believe, which made us get to know each other better.
Acceptance
When we get over ourselves and start to listen, we will soon realize that these things that bother us about each other are actually meaningful. Not for us, for the other part. And we will realize that it is important to them, it might even be part of who they are and how they define themselves. They might have good reasons not to change. It is best to make peace with that understanding and accept them for who they are.
Part B started to understand that a lot of part As emotional stability is based on her faith in a higher power. It creates a sense of hope in her that has saved the system many times. Part A started to understand that part B is independence personified and that this extends not only to religion but to every area of life, it is so deeply engrained that she wouldn’t be herself without that. They could accept each others more after understanding how meaningful their perspective is to them.
Respect
As you communicate and learn acceptance for each other you will realize, that you too have quirks and are not the easiest person to live with. And hopefully you will start to see the bigger picture of how your system is set up, how every part is playing an important role and that the differences are actually needed so you can balance each other, maybe even complementing one another. The realization of how important the other one is can raise respect in you for who they are. Asking to be respected is a sign that you aren’t there yet. Just start respecting others first.
Part A started to see how Part Bs world view made her very capable and functioning in everyday life. Part B really takes over a lot of practical tasks and she is excellent at what she is doing. Part B started to see that part A is carrying a lot of the emotional burden of dealing with Littles and trauma and that her faith is keeping her fit for that task. She developed a growing respect for how A is managing her position in the system.
Appreciation
Maybe by now we have developed an understanding of how the system works and that by wanting the best for each other we are actually getting the best for the whole system. Everyone gains from what a certain part brings into our shared life. We have moved away from the thought of how we want someone to be and instead start to appreciate them for who they are. It means embracing the differences as something that makes life richer instead of seeing them as a threat to our own will. It results in keeping each other in mind when we are fronting and making decisions for the team. We won’t do anything to willfully harm someone we appreciate.
Knowing how important faith is to Part A, Part B lets her front to have quiet time and prayer without complaining that there is a better use for our time. When part A sees a self-improvement book that looks interesting she tells part B about it.
It is simple, but it is not easy. In many cases we really have to work hard on even managing tolerance for each other. And it is not like we can take these steps once and that is enough. We might have to take them for every big difference we are facing. We need to communicate, by asking questions and listening well and by sharing our truth and not withholding it. Beautiful relationships are hard work. They don’t just happen.
I want to be very clear here: TARA does not apply for system-harming behavior. It would be unhealthy to work on appreciating that. Behavior that is not serving you needs to be confronted in love and you can help each other to find better solutions. Instructions in how to do that can be found here.
TARA doesn’t just serve our DID SystemWork. It can also improve the other relationships in our life. With abusive people it needs boundaries. But if we find ourselves constantly fighting with loved ones over personal differences, TARA might be the way to go.
More about inner team meetings and conflict solving
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