Our own integration starts in the thinking mind of our therapist
I wrote that almost exactly 3 years ago when talking about the therapeutic relationship. As I move into later phases of therapy it seems to me that this is one of the most profound things I have ever said. So please forgive me for quoting myself this once.
Identity and Dignity
Humans have a way of finding identity through relationships and the mirror of other people. Current theories explain that little children do something and then they experience the response of the environment, usually another person, to their actions and this response creates an inner experience that shows them who they are, one encounter at a time. Identity is formed out of the million little reactions and from what we see about ourselves in others when they look at us. What we believe about ourselves highly depends on the feedback we get from other people. It is why ‘fake it til you make it’ sometimes works.
Identity and dignity are closely connected. When we are looked at as something precious and worthy, we develop a sense of self-worth. Our role in a community does something to us that plays a part in our sense of dignity. The need for connection and belonging is balanced by our need for our own choices (autonomy) and self-expression. This is where identity and dignity meet. We get to be ourselves and decide for ourselves while we are also held in a community that reminds us of who we are. Think of synthesis, being one person who is different from other people but linked to them; a core element of integration. It is how humans prosper.
Dehumanization and Disintegration
Chronic childhood trauma of the kind that leads to DID is destructive. When abusers look at us, they see less than a real human being. They see a thing that can be used, should be used. Some say it is necessary to dissociate their own humanity and dignity to hurt people like that. Otherwise they would recognize dignity in us as well and that realization would stop them. When we look at them and the way they look at us, we see that they see someone less than human. Someone not worthy of humane treatment. Our sense of belonging and connection is lost at the same time that our free choice is taken away. Someone else defines who we are to be. These are severe violations of dignity.
Consistent feedback like that from other people damages the way we experience ourselves. It cannot be integrated with normal experiences, so we separate them. We are robbed of a healthy identity and end up with fragments. Denying someone’s humanity is denying their dignity. Dehumanization is an inherent characteristic of sexual abuse and long-term child abuse. The results are devastating.
Re-Humanization
Tools for trauma-processing are meant to reduce flashbacks. They barely reach the depth of pain and injury that violations of dignity left in us. The therapist is challenged to become the healer. They need to bring more to the therapy room than therapy tools. They need to bring themselves.
Some would insist that it needs empathy and maybe that is true to some degree. It is also how therapists get hurt when working with this kind of trauma. I would suggest that a mix of deep-felt personal humanity and mentalization are at the core of ‘re-humanization’. Those are expressed in compassion but they are more than compassion. Healing is found in being seen, recognized and realized for who we are. When we look at our therapist we need to see someone who sees us as a human being, dignity and all. We see the reflection of who we really are in what they see when they look at us. Someone with humanity looks at us and sees humanity and that restores something inside that tells us who we are. Being recognized and realized for who we are has an impact on both identity and sense of dignity.
Strictly standardized treatment that fails to see, and treat, the individual, is not going to reach the depth of dignity violations, it might add to them. More than an app or a tool, we need the human gaze that can hold us safely and honor who we are. They need to hold onto our dignity for us until we can receive it for ourselves.
A gaze like that is hard to tolerate and we might even attack the humanity in our Other to avoid it. It brings up the pain of dehumanization like we have never felt it before because there never was the option of dignity before.
Integration
Our therapists collect the fragmented impressions of how they experience us and keep them together in their mind. They have been with us through stabilization and built up resources with us. If they have done that properly, they know what we are good at, what topics excite us, what makes us passionately angry. They also hear about our trauma and how others have treated us. And in their mind, they put these pieces together to see us as one complex person with a long story to tell.
We always tell people that they need a DID therapist who is able to see them as a person with DID and therefore many parts, and not as many people with different lives because we need their ability to see it all at once and as connected. My own wish that therapists would simply forget the horrors I told them about is misplaced. In the mirror of that picture that they have created and that they are actively holding in their mind, we can find our self. When they look at us, who do they see? When we remember all the things we have shared, what is the picture they are holding in their mind about us? Who is this integrated self that they hold onto for us, the same way that they held our dignity until we could grasp it for ourselves?
This is a difficult step if we try to take it on a cognitive level because it needs some skill in mentalization on our side and communication to check if we are right. It can be a mind-blowingly powerful mental experience that shakes up our self-concept. For some it will be easier to stay connected within the therapeutic relationship and allow the interaction to do its thing. What do we experience when we see someone looking at us as a whole human being? What is the feedback we are getting within this new relationship? How does it feel? We can combine both approaches and work with what is easier to receive.
We don’t try this at the beginning of therapy because it would be overwhelming. Once integration becomes a relevant topic, we can slowly allow the version of who we are that is held by someone else to become more of an inner reality for ourselves. It is where therapy seizes to be a ‘technique’ or a ‘tool’ and becomes a matter of resonance where a human being meets a human being. It has fallen a bit out of fashion these days. I don’t think that anything less than this can restore the damage that violations of dignity cause in those who survive them. It needs humanity to heal inhumanity. And it needs someone who can hold us together in their mind to heal the fragmentation and help with integration. It is raw, it hurts, and it is unspeakably beautiful.
For further reading you might want to look into Charles Horton Cooley’s concept of the Looking-Glass Self and if you are interested in a discussion of dignity and dehumanization, you might like ‘Torture and Dignity’ by J. M. Bernstein
In gratitude for the 3 therapists who offered themselves as a mirror for me this year, even when it hurt.