If we experience repeated and ongoing trauma, especially as a child, our ability to make sense of us and the world will get hurt. We can’t integrate our experience of pain and apparently normal life, a perpetrator being a caregiver and an abuser, us being innocent and feeling guilty, feeling shame and anger and helplessness and numb. To cope with all that we have to separate it, draw a line between the different areas of our self and maybe build a wall so that the different areas won’t be able to touch anymore. This is a natural response to chronic traumatization and it is called structural dissociation. It is not just the main principle of DID but also very common in cPTSD, where the walls are simply not as high, but the separation of the parts of the personality is present.
Structural dissociation
Structural dissociation increases the challenge of being with ourselves because it is a condition where our Self is separated into different parts. Each part can hold fragments of emotions, body sensation, needs, memories, wishes, thought patterns… and sense of self. Different parts can hold very different fragments of all that, even concerning the same situation. They can seem so mismatched that we wonder how these can be parts of one person. When we take a closer look we will realize that they are good at some things, while they lack abilities in a lot of other places. That is because other parts hold these abilities.
It means that single parts might have a sense of self, but they lack the ability to function by themself in certain areas of life. A part who is very capable of doing a stressful day job might lack the ability to feel deep feelings or create meaningful relationships.
We can only increase functioning in all areas of life, if we create contact between different parts, if we learn to be with our selves instead of dissociating them.
The who’s who in the dissociative zoo (also called mapping)
The first step to being with your selves is finding out who these parts are. For some it is helpful to journal and then re-read what was written. Parts don’t always have names, but they do have a way of thinking, feeling and expressing themself that might feel to you like “this isn’t me“. Others can hear voices more clearly and they can start to listen to their selves.
I am aware that this is difficult and scary. There is even a psychological term for it: the phobia of the inner experience. Overcoming this phobia is the first milestone in learning how to be with your selves and reducing structural dissociation. Take it slowly to avoid being overwhelmed. Getting to know who is there does not mean that you have to be flooded with the experiences these parts hold. You can keep it shallow.
Communication and cooperation
This next step takes time and it is best to keep the focus on the present life and not go too deep into trauma memories. Discuss your current life situation. Negotiate goals for today. Take care of needs in the present. Get to know your likes and dislikes. Find each others strength and weakness. Learn how to work together. Help everyone to be oriented in time and space. Yes, there might be moments when pieces of trauma memory might get through to you, but generally speaking all this doesn’t require these kinds of memories to be shared. You can meet the needs of a traumatized child part without knowing exactly what fragment of your memory they carry.
Keeping each other company
Trauma forced us to separate us (as a part) from other parts. Now we can learn to be with each other again. This can mean that we stay close enough together to develop co-consciousness, a shared awareness of the world around us and each others thoughts and feelings. They will not be identical, but the barrier will be a lot lower so that you can share more of life. That way we can not just increase overall awareness of what is going on but also share our fragments of knowledge with each other to help us function in life.
It comes in handy if you practiced being with your feelings before and developed some tolerance for that, because now you can not just be with your fragment of your feelings, you can also be connected to another parts fragment of your (collective) feelings. In the past each part had to be isolated by dissociation to experience their emotions alone, the range of emotion often limited severely. Keeping each other company in our experience of feelings can be a scary and strange thing to do. You don’t have to understand the feeling and all that is connected to it. You don’t have to feel the same way. But in staying together you can reduce some of the isolation of those who carry difficult feelings for the collective of all parts. You learn how to tolerate being with your selves when it’s uncomfortable.
Sharing
If you have mastered communication, cooperation and connection you might be ready to be with your selves memories and share things from the past. Your T will help you with this and make sure that it doesn’t get overwhelming. I cannot advise anyone to share too much traumatic memory before you have mastered to sit with each other through difficult emotions. If sharing just results in returning to isolation you didn’t win anything concerning the structural dissociation. Additional trauma work will probably be needed. Don’t try that on your own. Work with a T.
Blending
This can be done willingly or be the result of growing co-consciousness and connection. The strict separation between parts might start to blur to the point that the distinction between parts isn’t easy to make anymore. Blending is more than co-consciousness, because the thoughts and feelings join instead of just existing side by side. Nothing is lost in this experience, but it might be changed, as the extremes get balanced by whatever the other part brings into the connection. You might also experience an increase in your abilities because those of another part are added. This is a very close way of being with each other. If done willingly it doesn’t have to last, you can separate again. Ask your T to help you with this. It can give you a better idea of what full fusion might feel like. Those of us who have tried it liked it. They felt more complete and alive.
Fusion
From blending it is not far to fusion. It dissolves the structural dissociation, so that the separation between the parts is removed. There will still be certain roles, states and positions inside, that is how healthy people function. But it will be possible to always be aware of what is going on around you and inside of you, you have access to your memories and knowledge and you can react more flexible to life and adapt to situations without having to discuss things with your inner team first. You will not just be with your selves, you will be your Self. It is necessary to learn how to cope with this new situation. Therapy is not over after fusion and full fusion sometimes needs more than one attempt.
This is the spectrum of integration for structural dissociation. Many DID systems are scared of the idea of fusion and therefore dismiss the goal of living a more integrated life. Fusion is only the last step. It is impossible to say how you will feel about it when you are just starting out to establish communication.
I hope this is encouraging you to be with your selves more, no matter where you are at right now.
In the series ‘Elements of Integration’ we look at the psychological building blocks that make up the journey of integration. You can find it here:
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