Mourning Loss (SystemWork)

Recently we had to say goodbye to a T. Someone we trusted enough to speak freely. Someone we allowed to see the things going on in the system. Someone in whose company we didn’t feel ashamed.

There is no way to describe the extend of a loss like this.

The whole system suffers.

Some feel devastated. Some reject their needs and go numb and busy. Some get angry and don’t want anyone close ever again. Some say they knew it all along.

There is no easy way to get over this. But I wanted to share with you what we did to support each other and especially how to help the Littles.

We knew that the T would leave months before it happened and that helped. While it was too late to fix all the needs inside, that were unmet, it was enough time to prepare how to say goodbye.

We, mainly the kids assisted by adults, started to create an imagination that combines the “safe/vault” exercise with the Safe Place. The result was a beautiful and detailed new “home” where we could place our inner image of the T.

While he is not available in the outside world anymore, we can still find him in this special place inside in case we need to feel supported. It is a place to keep the memory of the emotional connection alive.

We took time to paint a picture of this special home to remind us, that he is safe and in a happy place now.

While painting we started to share between us, share

1. stories of him,

2. what each one of us liked about him and

3. what we are missing now.

The communication helped so that nobody had to feel alone in their grief. We all had lost someone important. There were moments of connecting with each other in listening to what everyone noticed about him and putting together a puzzle of his person and how we all felt about the relationship. Especially the Littles contributed unexpected and very deep insight here.

Somehow grief brought us closer together and we got a better picture of ourselves in this, too.

We found great comfort in the imagination of a new home and even greater comfort in keeping each others company through the pain of loss.

If you have lost someone, please don’t make everyone mourn on their own. It is a collective loss and it becomes much more bearable, when you communicate about it and share. It also helps you integrate the pain, if you collect all its aspects, instead of allowing them to stay dissociated in different parts carrying them alone.

While it hurts, we still celebrate what we had and we kindle the hope that some day we will share something similar with someone else.

Maybe it is too early in the process to share this as a success story, but it is a piece in the puzzle of coping.