Negotiating relational regulation (SystemWork)

 

If you have DID and you read Skills for Yellow area (6/7): relational regulation it might have caused unrest inside.

Most systems struggle balancing relational regulation. This is normal. Splits happened in situations with unsafe others and there was probably no helper around. It is normal for parts of the system to either crave this kind of regulation or dismiss it altogether. The system is holding the extremes, which means that we need to find common ground and negotiate relational regulation.

Lets look at the players

There are probably parts of you who think that:

• you don’t need anyone else

• help isn’t safe

• help doesn’t exist

• help hurts

• people just want to harm you when you open up

• everything you need can be found within the system

• you hate people/ people hate you

• reject people before they reject you

• you cannot trust anyone

• people just want to control you

• if you look weak you will get abused

• others wont understand anyway

• people will leave when you are honest

• …..

While there were good reasons to believe all of these things, they are outdated. Parts of you might not notice that their thoughts are still stuck in trauma time. (Hopefully) the world looks different now. What used to be excellent protection against being hurt and a wonderful way to cope with the pain and shame of neglect has become a hinderance in receiving the good things relationships have to offer. We honor the parts who have built these exceptionally good protections that kept us alive. The war is over. We are safe. We can slowly work on reducing the protections.

Rejecting relationships means keeping yourself from a source of help, happiness, comfort and belonging. You deserve better than that. As a true protector it could be your job to find healthy relationships that support the whole system.

While control might keep you safe it also keeps you from experiencing the fullness of life.

The system always balances extremes. And so there is another side of the coin.

There are probably hurting parts, often child parts or adults who feel especially helpless, who NEED relational regulation with a great intensity, it’s a craving that comes close to an addiction. This deep “attachemnt cry” is older than words, it is what babies show when they cry out for their mother. Having DID often means very early neglect and abuse and this attachment cry never found a safe answer. I cannot give you a list of core beliefs you could relate to, because this is pre-verbal and doesn’t touch the area in your brain where rational thinking and language happen. It feels. And it feels like falling apart if nobody comes to soothe you. I trust that you recognize it. It is usually such an overwhelming need you can’t possibly miss it.

I feel a lot of compassion for parts who hold this cry for attachment. This is a deep need and a deep wound, it wasnt right for them to suffer neglect. I am sad about what they had to experience. Yet at the same time, like the parts who reject relational regulation, their experience is outdated. They are just as stuck in trauma time. They are not able to receive in the here and now because they cling to the pain of then and there.

It needs compassionate help to encourage them to see that today is different, to stop focussing on the need and crying out long enough to receive what is offered to them in the present. It might not be enough to fill the void, but it is still real and it is something that can nourish them and help them feel better. If those parts stay stuck in trauma time it will not just cause depression, you will also use up one helper after the other. they constantly give, you are unable to receive and sooner or late they will leave, repeating the horrible experience of being abandoned and alone.

With extreme positions like that we have set the stage for war.

One side will try to keep you away from relationships, the other will get desperate to get close to people. You are starting a cycle of violence against each other, marked by control, breaking out and ruthless behavior, punishment, more pain, greater despair.

But the truth is, there is just one army on this field. You all belong to the same team. Fighting each other means just harming yourself. You need to find common ground. And that is only possible when you meet in the present.

Then the negotiations can begin.

It is important to take everyone seriously and look out for the needs instead of opinions.

You can take little steps to prove yourself wrong in your core beliefs about relationships. Be present in the here and now, “see” who those around you are. Evaluate the interactions and check if it has been safe, helpful, a pleasant experience…. don’t give up too quickly, it is normal that sometimes interactions don’t work out the way you wish. Try, you can pull back any time.

At the same time, work on self-regulation with those who are very needy. Find ways to meet needs that don’t depend on other people. Maybe someone older could help the littles with this: the need can be met within the system. Again, be in the present while experiencing comfort and calm through self-regulation. It is real. While there is no way to turn back time and make it right there is a chance to experience good things now and you can make it happen for yourself. You can regulate like a grown-up today. You are not that child anymore.

This is something you have to negotiate for yourself. But I hope that this is helping you to understand what is going on and showing you a path to follow.