Overcoming chronic shame

As long as I can remember I struggled with chronic shame. You can find psychological theories that might help in The Compass of Shame and Understanding Chronic Shame.

Today I want to share my personal keys and understanding with you. This might not work for everyone, but it has been a revelation for me.

 

Emotion

Although chronic shame can feel gut-wrenching it is still an emotion, like anger or sadness, not an identity. It means that it can be regulated.

When I first started my healing journey I wasn’t good at regulating anger either, but I learned it. It is possible to learn to regulate shame. It is not a monster that will eat me alive. The emotional regulation actually works with the very same steps as with any other emotion.

 

Disidentification

This can be achieved using the perspective of the distant observer in mindfulness. It took a lot more practice to do it with shame than with other emotions, but it is possible to take a step back and not be the shame but observe the shame at work. As long as I considered the shame to be this overwhelming force, it was impossible to handle. As an observer I am more than the feeling, I can rise above it to regulate it. This is an example why it is so important to practice mindfulness and the distant observer in particular.

 

Protector

When managing shame it is important to understand that it is not my enemy, it is actually trying to protect me. Being trauma-shame it is stuck in trauma-time with misguided attempts for protection, just like some dissociated parts might be. But like structural dissociation shame saved my life back then. Let me explain:

During trauma time I was defenseless, dependent on abusive people and I was put through intense situations over and over again. More than anything I was innocent and helpless. But I had to hide that from myself. Science about Learned Helplessness, something our mind goes into under these circumstances, shows that it can lead to apathy and simply giving up on life and dying. If I could convince myself that I am not innocent and somehow deserve all this, that would be a way out of the crushing helplessness that would kill me. So shame came in as a protector, telling me that I am bad. This might sound like twisted logic, but if I am bad, I caused all this to happen, and that means I was in control somehow and therefore not helpless. I would probably not have survived if I had known that I was innocent.

The impulse of action that belongs to shame is to hide. That too can be an invaluable protection. In trauma time it was not safe for me to show anything personal, anything dear to my heart or anything I was good at. Shame told me that all this is bad and shameful and therefore made sure that I hide it well, protecting the good in me from the abuse of others.

Chronic shame is such an important protector that it can be found in everyone with cPTSD I have met so far.

 

Confused Granny

I used to work in a nursing home where on random days of the week one of my dementia patients would declare that it was laundry day, which made the other seniors sitting around her go frantic because they all hadn’t done their laundry yet. I guess it is best to treat my trauma-shame like a confused granny who is still feeling a sense of responsibility for old tasks, not noticing that times have changed and this protection is not needed anymore. I can notice the alarm, do a reality check (so I will react like a nurse, not like an old lady) and then regulate as best I can.

It does help if I recognize what triggered this kind of protection. Usually it is a vulnerability that I can afford to have today, where life is safe, but that would have meant real harm in the past.

Back in the nursing home I used to tell the lady that I already took care of her laundry and put it in her closet. Today I tell my shame that I have my own adult ways of protecting myself from harm and she can eat some cake and retire.

In therapy overcoming something often means making friends with it. As I get to know my confused granny I can learn how to live with her.

 

 

 

Cost

Letting go of chronic shame goes along with radical acceptance. The realisation of past helplessness can only be endured from a present perspective, not while stuck in trauma time. It cannot be avoided or changed anymore, it can only be mourned. Accepting the truth about the past means that I need to face the fact that I almost died, many times, by the hand of others. That people who should have protected me didn’t. That I experienced injustice that cannot be brought to justice. To do that I need to know with my whole being that it is over. For a long time I was not grounded enough to know all that, even had contact with abusers, and chronic shame kept protecting me from being overwhelmed by it.

 

Beyond

Through mourning past helplessness and being grounded in the present I can start to see that there is a difference between trauma-helplessness and vulnerability. Every vulnerable situation used to kick me into futile attempts not to feel trauma-helpless, mainly using control, perfectionism and work to cover it all up. Others might use different strategies to numb the fear that arises in vulnerable situations. I am beginning to understand that today I can learn to handle vulnerability, the key to feeling true connection to other people, and I am starting by using T.A.R.A. (tolerance, acceptance, respect, appreciation) on myself. This is a new battle, one that is not stuck in trauma time, one that every human being has to fight.

 

This is probably not my last word about shame as I am still learning how to cope with it better. But these are the concepts that meant a breakthrough for me. I hope they can help you too.