We sometimes face difficult situations or events and we cannot avoid them because they are important (medical exams, our best friend’s wedding) or they will happen no matter what we do (anniversaries). We need to find a way to reduce the negative impact as much as possible and maybe even turn this into a success. There is a tendency to avoid thinking about difficult events until they have already started and then we have to stumble through them utterly unprepared and take the damage. We will get through this a lot better when we take the time to prepare ourselves properly. That way we can:

• let everyone inside know that what we are doing is actually safe today and why
• communicate inside that this is our own choice and we are not getting forced
• explain what exactly is going to happen (and what is not going to happen) and answer questions other parts have about it

• have a clear picture what kind of difficulties to expect
• reflect about the resources parts will need and prepare them in advance
• prepare an exit strategy that will not cause repercussions
• communicate with people in advance to prepare them
• make a game plan that includes what everyone will be doing
• prevent big crashes after the event
• …

 

Our plan will be most helpful when we divide it into 3 different sections, Before, During and After. This is sometimes called Signposting or the BDA tool and you can find it described in the Finding Solid Ground Programm. We will take a closer look at the different sections. You need to take notes. It is too much to keep in mind. Add your own tasks based on your personal experience.

 

Before

We can divide the Before into 2 different segments. In the first one we look at the things we can prepare in advance, sometimes weeks before the event. In the second we will look at the things we can do right before the events to give us the best starting point possible.

Long-term preparations

• Is it possible to take someone with you for support? Ask the person as soon as you can so they don’t make different plans. Teach them how they are supposed to act when you get in trouble, using roleplay if possible. Make sure they also know what to avoid doing. Write it down in case you have to work with new people like nurses
• Are there any items you will need that you can order ahead of time? Be it gifts or clothes, emergency medication or anything specific to the situation that you might not own yet. Every preparation that takes the pressure off your last moments before the event will be helpful.
• Have a proper team meeting. Explain what you are going to do and why it is necessary. Include information that helps them to see that nothing terrible will happen. Next, allow all parts to share their worries and concerns about the event. Figure out how much of it belongs to the present moment and how much belongs to the past, maybe using percentages. This is important information. We can then work on resolving as much of it as possible by answering questions, offering options and choices to parts and promising to keep their boundaries and protect their needs. We can help them discriminate past and present to make sure they are grounded.The less anxiety they have going into the event the better. Sometimes all that younger parts need to hear is that an adult will take care of it and that it is not their responsibility to make it work.
• Ask others for encouragement. There is no reason why you shouldn’t feel supported. They might be able to boost your confidence by pointing out skills or personal strengths that you have not been aware of. Knowing that you are not alone and that others are thinking of you and cheering for you, even if it’s ‘just’ an online community, is very powerful.
• Learn as much as you can about the event. Check out procedures online, look for pictures of the location, google instruments that are used or people you know will be there. Read reports, look for youtube videos, stalk people’s social media if it helps. What you are looking for is information that could help you calm down, create familiarity with the event before it happens, and maybe you can find people who seem trustworthy.
• …

 

Directly before the event

• Pack your bag carefully. Take everything you decided would be helpful and make sure the parts who need to see it are aware that you packed it.
• What can you wear to set yourself up for success? Dress to make yourself feel safe. Add whatever is needed, maybe include invisible things from the magic store.
• Take your time to get every part in the position you agreed on. Allow parts who should not be aware of the event to go to a private room inside and sleep or spend time with inner helpers.
• Go through your game plan to make sure you remember everything.
• Use your grounding skills to enter the situation with as much orientation as possible.
• …

 

 

During

These are things we can prepare to get us through the actual event when it is happening.

• Make a list of all the resources that would be useful. That includes items for soothing, skills and exercises like grounding or how to stop flashbacks, access to support like the ability to make a phone call, all your special tricks that work for you and things others could use to help you, including emergency medication. Then make sure that all of these things are available for packing.
• Make a list of the potential triggers during the event. This is uncomfortable but it can help you to know exactly when to use your grounding skills with diligence. Sometimes we can make plans on how to avoid the trigger by eg going to a different room during a certain group activity.
• Write down what you will do and what you won’t do. That way all parts know that there are rules that are meant to get you through the event without harm. It makes sense to eg decide that no drinking should happen during a tricky family birthday because it reduces the ability to be grounded. Planning what you will do, what you will talk about or what actions you will engage in can be of tremendous help. It is hard to stick to a plan that only consists of Don’ts and doesn’t have any Do’s. Taking over a conversation with our chosen topic is effective at stirring it away from topics we want to avoid. When everyone inside knows what they should be doing it reduces the number of difficult choices you need to make in a stressful situation.
• Systems who have good cooperation can make a plan on how to switch if things get overwhelming for the chosen front person during the event. It gets easier when we know that we have backup and that we can hand things over to someone who feels fresh and capable. It is also a way to prevent younger parts from feeling responsible and switching to the front. Teaming will make us more stable and resilient.
• Make a Time Out plan. Figure out where you could take a private break to breathe and calm down. Going to the restroom is a classic. Practice who you could ask for a break. Sometimes going for a walk is the best option when there is no way to get proper privacy otherwise. Then you could check out the area in advance to see where walking would be safe. Make sure all parts know they can ask for a time out and where to go for it.
• Make an Exit plan. An exit plan covers a safe way you can leave the event. It includes safe transportation and a safe place you can withdraw to. Putting the number of a local taxi company or Uber in your phone is a great way to protect yourself in case you are unable to drive yourself. Maybe a friend could help your exit as well and you can make the plan together.
• What is your worst nightmare of what could happen? What is the thing that worries you most? Have you been in that position before and you can remember what went wrong? Is it a realistic fear based on the present situation? Prepare for everything that is a real possibility. If you planned for the worst, nothing can surprise you. It will make you feel more competent and ready, which will reduce the chance of being overwhelmed.
• Whenever you face a situation that is not just a single event but will last for days or even weeks, make sure that you can reach out to your network of helpers for a check-in and to get their feedback and encouragement. It can make sense to have phone calls with your T for stabilization. The longer the situation, the broader our access to resources needs to be. While we might pack one or two items for soothing for a 1h event we should pack all of them for a 4 week period.
• …

 

 

After

Most people don’t make an After plan and it is a grave mistake. It is common to crash after a stressful event, even if we made it through and it seemed well enough. All the stress will come at us the moment we are safe and start to relax. A lot of maladaptive coping doesn’t happen during the event, it happens afterwards. That is why we need to include the After in our plan instead of pretending that it won’t be difficult.

• Plan to take some time to get the nervous energy out of your body directly after the event. Chances are you will be tense and in hyperarousal. Going for a brisk walk, jumping on a trampoline or being active otherwise will make use of the nervous energy and help your body to find balance again. I always run home after seeing my female doctor because I have suppressed my urge to run long enough and my body really needs to release it. Finishing a difficult event with movement is a trick that can make our life a lot easier.
• Prepare a safe space to arrive at after the event. At home, you can set things up to meet your self-care needs and prepare personal resources for when you come home. Whenever the safe space is not your home, you can place something familiar in that space like a plushie or follow your regular routines to add to a sense of safety.
• Collect your resources and place them where you can see them. Even after the event is over, you are still allowed to use them all, including your emergency medication. Maybe you prepare a mundane or fun activity to change the general atmosphere and distract yourself.
• Do a roll call where you check in with everyone to see how they are doing and if anything is needed. Take the time to comfort or orient parts who are struggling. Make sure that everyone is aware that the event is over and that you are in a safe place now.
• Plan how you will comfort yourself in a safe way. It doesn’t have to be healthy, just safe (in case chicken nuggets are the way to go). Music, ASMR, calling a friend, playing a computer game, tacos, cuddling with a pet, holding a pillow, drinking sweet tea, whatever works for you. Check if you have everything you need and buy whatever you are running low on.
• Not everyone is able to do this right away, but it could be a goal to reward yourself, including all parts, for managing the difficult situation and working together. The job of hiding well is just as important as the job of staying grounded and front. You could develop a sense of achievement. Get yourself a reward no matter how you got through the situation, simply because you did your best.
• With some distance and a proper break you can look back on the situation and analyze it, asking yourself what worked, where you struggled and what you could do about that next time.
• …

 

Making a plan like this is real work but you will notice how much more prepared you will feel afterwards. Everyone inside can find security in knowing the plan and what is going to happen. Knowing the After plan can be an encouragement to make it through the During phase. When we allow the whole system to contribute to the plan it will increase trust and cooperation and improve our chances of success.