Deliberate provocation is a specific form of confrontation. It is one of our sharpest tools for negotiations. It can cut through the knot that keeps us stuck and open the path for breakthrough. It can also cut deeply and painfully when it is done wrong, creating shame and disconnection and despair.
The effectiveness of a provocation depends on our relationship to the part we negotiate with. We either need a sense of connection and trust or at least a (hidden) sense of respect from our partner. If they have zero value for our opinion and they are indifferent for what we say, provocation does not work.
We also need to make sure to communicate which part we are addressing to avoid more sensitive parts getting triggered.
A successful provocation is made of
- an acknowledgement of the partner,
- a challenge to their views,
- an activation of their strength
- the introduction of a new concept (that is helpful and safe) and
- the next step someone could take.
We are creating pressure (and therefore motivation), while we also point at the way out. Without offering a better alternative the pressure will just crush us. This is true for every kind of confrontation but essential for provocation.
The rules of provocation
Don’t challenge a real experience someone is having. Do challenge a helpless stance towards it. We need to accept an experience before we can change it. This is part of acknowledging our partner. Otherwise parts will learn to hide their truth and pretend that nothing is wrong. Nothing will be solved.
Don’t provoke outside the mental abilities of a part. When Littles think like a child, we have to meet them where they are. It means challenging in a child-appropriate way.
Don’t challenge a real inability. It cannot change. We only create pressure without an escape. It communicates rejection and failure that cannot be repaired by any honest attempt we make. It is the ultimate shame experience. We need to work with out greatest strength, not our greatest weaknesses.
Do not provoke when someone has a lack of knowledge or their understanding is based on a misconception. Teaching the truth will be much more effective. Parts cannot change their mind if they are unfamiliar with other options nor do something they have never learned to do. Pushing without introducing a helpful concept leads to shame, helplessness and despair.
Don’t ever provoke during a relational rupture. Repair the relationship first. A challenge will just increase the distance to the point of no repair. We don’t overcome resistance with a frontal attack. Resistance happens for good reasons and we won’t find them through provocation. It needs a different tool.
Don’t try provocation when you feel triggered and in hyperarousal. This is a tool for the grounded and level-headed. It cannot be used when we feel fear, anger or any other passionate emotions about the other part. A challenge needs to be firm, unexcited and empathetic. We should never negotiate when we are dysregulated.
You can challenge parts in hyper- or hypoarousal, but you need to make sure to be a ‘regulating other’ after you initiated some additional disturbance to shake them out of their mental state.
Use provocation when a part is stuck in thoughts that are based on TraumaTime or other limiting beliefs. Being stuck in TraumaTime is nothing bad or stupid, it is not a failure or a character flaw. It is just a state that is incredibly uncomfortable and limiting to the parts who experience it. Our aim has to be to help them get grounded in the current reality. We cannot have any blaming or shaming in our heart, just empathy and compassion. They are in a painful situation that feels real, even when it’s not real any more.
We challenge the old reality by pointing at the new one. It gives directions on where to go when we increase the pressure and challenge all they know.
It takes great courage to arrive in the here and now, to change our mind and all we thought was true. When a part is ready to face all that, we need to be there for them to support, explain and offer stability. The breakthroughs we can create through provocation will only last, if we keep them from becoming overwhelming. Otherwise the only refuge is to go back to old patterns.
Use provocation on trance logic, if it is limiting or creating harmful situations. It means challenging parts who try to use intimidation to control the system, grounding them in the present as well as in the body, to help them see that we are all parts of one person, sharing one body and to make sure that they know that their kind of protection is not needed anymore. Again, these are huge steps and we need to be willing to be there and catch them when they fall. More…
There are other kinds of trance logic or magical thinking we can confront.
To me it seems best to hit parts where they are strongest. It means challenging the intellect of those who are good at thinking. To challenge the pride in functioning on a high level or knowing how the abuser groups world works. Softer tools might not be able to cut through the trance logic because they don’t create such a big motivation to prove us wrong. We challenge parts to use what they do best to break free. The part who is strong at observing gets challenged to observe real life. The part who is strong at protecting gets challenged to protect in the here and now, using the time-appropriate tools.
We create a pressure and we show the way out. That way we can channel the energy to move towards reality instead of having it thrown back at us or feeding shame.
Receiving provocation
Outside our own negotiations we are usually the ones on the receiving end of provocation and our T is the one trying to challenge our thoughts and world views.
It helps to learn to recognize a provocation and know that it is a tool in a therapists toolbox and not aimed at us personally. They are not blaming or shaming or mocking us, but they are pushing. We will feel the pressure and we will feel a resistance inside, maybe even feel a little hurt and misunderstood.
If we manage to embrace the pressure and yield and open our mind to the possibility that there is more than we already know, it will strengthen our trust in the T.
We must not receive provocation as an attack. That will just raise our defenses and it won’t get us anywhere. We would only create a power struggle with the T and waste our time.
If we take the ideas offered to us as a way out of the pressure and just play around with them, like a ball that we throw from one hand to the other, looking at it from all angles, we can figure out if we find some freedom in it or not. Literally play with the idea. It doesn’t have to be true, but it could. Does it offer anything helpful or desirable? Work with what is offered, using the motivation from the challenge, without getting stuck over the fact that you got challenged. The relational part of this is that we have to trust that we are challenged for our own good. It is not in a power dynamic between Challenger and Challenged. Ideally there is no threat or power struggle.
We have our greatest breakthroughs with provocation that is right on point, challenging us into freedom. We also had traumatizing experiences with provocation that happened during disconnection and aimed at inabilities or resistance while only offering options that were no solution.
If you have a good T, they can teach you how to do it right for your own system.
More importantly, if your T messes up, and it happens to the best of them, you can notice that your feelings of shame, despair and helplessness are a natural response to pressure that was applied in the wrong way. It is not your fault and you can disregard what was said and openly declare that sometimes your T is stupid. It is a very freeing experience. Then you can talk about this in your next session, have the relational repair and try a different tool.
Precise deliberate provocation is a form of art we deeply admire. Sometimes Ts risk it and it goes wrong. It doesn’t mean that they should never do it. It is just too valuable as a tool. We know nothing that cuts through trance logic like a good challenge. We just have to learn how to receive it and to take the good and discard the useless. It is our own choice if we want to receive a challenge and let others provoke us into breakthrough.
If you are a T reading this I invite you to check your provocation technique to make sure you are not pushing your patient into hopelessness. Check the 5 steps mentioned above.
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