Dealing with anger (nonviolent communication)

We have decided not to use the tools of the abusers when talking to other people or within the system. It means that we do not use punishment as a tool in relationships. It also means that we try to communicate openly without manipulation or triangulation. These tools might have been helpful once, while stuck in an abusive situation, but they damage our relationships today. They are the tools of powerless people.

So what kind of tool does a powerful person use?

We decided to work with non-violent communication as taught by Marshall Rosenberg.

Anger seems to be the most violent emotion by nature. So let’s see how we can transform it into something non-violent that will deepen our relationship with others instead of destroying it.

Before we try to manage anger we need to make sure it is not just a fight response we are dealing with. When we have calmed down and there is still a sense of anger, we can proceed with the following steps:

1. trigger and source

2. don’t judge

3. needs and feelings

4. expression

I will explain these in detail.

1. People cannot control you. They cannot “make” you feel angry. They are not the source of your anger, they are the trigger. The anger comes from within you. I find this to be good news. If other people could control my anger that would feel very helpless. If the source is within me it means that I can manage it. If we understand that the other person did something that triggered anger in us the whole situation can become a source of helpful information on our way to managing our emotion. Becoming aware of this means separating the anger from the person and getting in touch with ourselves again. Anger has a tendency to make us lose connection with other thoughts, feelings and needs that might be happening at the same time. But when we take a closer look, these are the things that will lead us to a non-violent interaction with others.

2. First we need to look at our thoughts.

   Don’t judge yourself for feeling angry. Anger is not “bad”, it is normal to be angry. You are allowed to feel feelings. Anger can be a useful guide to a deeper understanding of yourself.

   Then stop judging the person you are angry with.

   Non-violent communication believes anger to be the product of our thinking, specifically our judgments about others. Every situation can be interpreted in different ways. I have recently been in a car with a friend when another driver behaved in an unusual way. We both reacted at the same moment; she was deeply disturbed, I laughed out loud. The situation was the same, but our interpretation was different. If we judge the other person as being bad, behaving immorally or opposed to our values this will create anger in us that we wouldn’t have without our judgment.

   If you want to identify your thought, try finishing this sentence: ” I am telling myself that_____” The first step to deal with anger is to stop feeding it judgmental thoughts and open our minds to the possibility that there are more explanations for behavior than what we just thought. Then we have to look away from the other person and start looking at ourself instead.

3. Re-connecting with ourselves means becoming aware of our needs that are unmet. (Your need is NOT that others should have done something differently. You do not control others.) Your need is your own, so you have to look at yourself to find it. Let go of every thought of others for a moment. What is it that YOU need?

   This questions can be tricky if you are out of touch with yourself. Here is a list of possible needs for help:

• safety

• acceptance

• connection

• approval

• meaning

• attention

• empathy

• respect

• support

• trust

• understanding

• belonging

• structure

• integrity

• dignity

• boundaries

• contribution

• ….You get the idea. When we get in touch with the unmet needs we will also start to feel other feelings apart from anger. There are always other feelings hiding behind it. Suddenly we might be facing sadness, disappointment, fear, helplessness, confusion… remember that if you can replace the “I feel” with an “I think” it is not a feeling, it might just be another evaluation, a thought. “Feeling” rejected, misunderstood or disrespected are also not feelings, they are assumptions of what is going on inside the other person. More help with identifying feelings. We need the raw feeling combined with the need if we want to continue with the next step. Please make sure that you find the current need, not a past one. With PTSD/DID we might sometimes stumble over “old” needs, that were not met in the past. You cannot turn back time. Old needs cannot be met in the present. They can only be mourned. If you bring old needs into a current conflict that will be confusing for everyone, it cannot be solved in this interaction.

4. Expressing ourselves in a non-violent way needs practice and courage. Instead of trying to control others or punishing them we will communicate in a vulnerable way about our feelings and needs. We will be using “I-messages” for that. An I-message is made of different building blocks. “I feel” _____________ (enter the feelings you have identified)when I ______________( enter how you experienced the situation. The “I” after the “when” is essential. You don’t tell people what “they” have done wrong, you only tell them about YOU.)and I need ___________ (enter your need. Your need is not for them to behave in a certain way, it is within you)

   would you consider __________ (enter wish. You don’t have to add this last step. If you are talking to a friend who is more than willing to meet your need and you trust them you can leave it to them how to meet it. You might be surprised. They sometimes come up with actions that are far better than what you would have asked for)

   Take your time to communicate as clearly as you can. It’s ok to tell people that you need a break. Writing things down helps if you are just starting to work with this tool. It’s ok to leave a situation for a moment to calm yourself down and come back to it later.

   All this is not about being right or wrong or winning an argument. It is about being human and in connection with another human being. The tree of knowing good and evil was not the tree of life.

As you can see we have moved from expressing our anger to expressing our needs. This is a more successful strategy to get these needs met. Expressions of anger either cause the other person to protect themselves and attack back or submit. When needs get met reluctantly or because we forced it, it is somehow less satisfying. Deep within we know that this game of control is not an honest expression on either side and what we get is not an act of love and connection. Especially within a trauma history, where connection means healing, it is important to learn how to express ourselves in a non-violent way.

More of this in The surprising purpose of anger and Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg

More about using anger (advanced)