Virtues come in opposing pairs that balance each other (see the v-square). Most of us are familiar with Radical Acceptance. The lesser known counter-part to that is Radical Openness. Radical acceptance is used to reduce suffering caused by rejecting things we can’t change. Radical Openness helps us to change, when we have accepted something that is not true (anymore). It is in the nature of trauma survival to develop patterns of thinking and adopt ways of treating ourselves that cause problems later in life and keep us stuck. Radical Openness can help us to get unstuck. We question our thoughts carefully instead of just believing them.
A closed mind is resistance specifically against changing our thoughts.There are two expressions of a closed mind that we will encounter in therapy.
The Fixed Mind
Sooner or later our T will try to convince us of something that we ‘know’ is not true. Say they tell us that it wasn’t our fault, but we know that it was and we can give seemingly logical reasons why. Our response to the Ts suggestion will be automatic anger and rejection of the idea, a sense of knowing it better, they just don’t understand. When they ask deeper questions about our convictions we have quick answers to justify our thoughts, we explain, defend or attack. When the T insists that we need to change we get frustrated, feel pressured and block any further conversation about that topic. These are the signs of a Fixed Mind. We are sure that we don’t have to change our thoughts because we already know the truth. This resembles a fight response.
The Fatalistic Mind
When we tend towards a flight response or shutdown we are more likely to show signs of a Fatalistic Mind. Say we were talking about our sense of loneliness and not-belonging and our T encouraged us to seek fellowship with other people. The Fatalistic Mind will brush off every attempt of a solution because it already knows there is none, this can never be solved. We believe it is hopeless because we are powerless. Instead of fighting the T and discussing things we withdraw, numb out, shut down or abandon the topic. We might try to appease the T by promising we will do something but we never plan to actually do it or dismiss help. If the T keeps pushing us to make a plan how to proceed we try to delay and evade, get passive aggressive, cancel sessions, dissociate, resign or react deeply wounded, secretly feeling bitterness toward them.
In DID we usually experience a lot of closed minds. ANPs might deny the presence of EPs, having a million explanations why this can’t be true. EPs might deny the reality of the outside world and that TraumaTime is over because they are stuck in their own reality of endless flashbacks. Some parts might refuse to see the abusers as anything but caring, others might want to hold on to pain because they can’t imagine a reality beyond it, some can be convinced that being more integrated would make them go away, others believe that they are the abuser and have their own body and everyone is utterly convinced that this is the truth.
While we think of our reasoning as logical it is actually highly emotional. We avoid admitting that we are avoiding a reality that is scary. The closed mind protects us from emotions or realizations that were too difficult for us to cope with during TraumaTime. To get to the painful truth we have to work through layers of protection in our minds.
What we believe feels absolutely true to us, which makes it hard to realize that there can be something beyond that conviction. When our T insists and we notice the signs of either a Fixed Mind or a Fatalistic Mind it is time to use self-enquiry tools to carefully open up to a Flexible Mind.
I recommend the use of a journal for self-enquiry. Before we try to change our mind we get more open-minded about our closed mind. It means exploring the reasons why we hold on to a belief and why there is resistance to changing it. Be kind to yourself and your closed mind, it is acting as a protector.
Then ask yourself:
- What does the belief tell me about myself?
- What type of problem has holding on to this belief solved?
- What does my resistance to other thoughts mean?
- What am I defending against?
- What is it that I am afraid I might have to give up to be more open-minded?
- What is it that I am afraid I might learn?
Using a dialogue exercise, either with our closed mind or our belief itself, often helps to bring subconscious thoughts to the surface.
Sometimes understanding how a conviction protects us comes with the realization of the truth it is protecting us from.
When it doesn’t, we need to get creative. Our goal is not to find smart answers. Instead, we will be looking for questions that bring us to the edge of our closed mind. These questions will highly depend on our situation and the belief we are trying to be more open-minded about. We recognize an edge when the question feels challenging and uncomfortable and it is just within the realm of things we allow ourselves to think about but it also seems to awaken something inside that is beyond our current belief. A skilled T might help us to get there using provocation. Write down your Ts questions when you feel like they touched on an edge so you can reflect on it later.
Finding good questions is difficult, so if you feel like you are not getting anywhere it can help to only reflect on it for a couple of minutes but repeat that reflection every day.
The Flexible Mind can honor the truth of the past while also being open to learning new things about the present. While a closed mind is often serious, thinking in terms of life and death, the Flexible Mind can play around with ideas. It can consider different solutions, notice how that feels and make changes in plans. I highly recommend working with a sand tray to improve the playful aspects of trying out new ideas.
In some rare cases a closed mind is a sign that we need a break. We might have changed a ton of things lately, opened our mind a lot to find new directions for our life and we are plainly exhausted from it and not ready to become more flexible just yet. It is important to take breaks when they are needed. Some people need to be reminded of that. We are working hard.
(concepts are adapted from RO-DBT, Lynch)
More about
Leave a Reply