Making sense of the world is not one action, it is a chain of mental actions. We have to perceive something with our senses. Our brain filters what it considers important to reach our awareness. We compare our perception with our memories and experiences and the additional information the situation is giving us, put together a picture and develop an expectation of what will happen next. That will raise emotions to support us in our reaction/behavior.
When we grow up in constant fear our whole mental process is influenced by that. We are hypervigilant, watching out for potential threats. Our brain filters things to make us more aware of possible danger and draws our focus to details that might indicate a problem. The pool of memories we can compare situations with is dominated by traumatic memories and so we will make connections to them more often and ignore additional information, that sets the present apart from a trauma situation. Because our expectation for the future is based on our experience in the past, it will be tainted by trauma as well. The emotions that result from this are rooted in trauma time. It means that our reactions sometimes have little to do with the reality around us. This mental mechanism and the strong emotions that come with it are a normal trauma response.
Imagine you walk through your garden and your brain notices something green and long and snake-shaped in the grass. You remember a situation where a snake bit you on a vacation in a different country. You expect an attack, fear shoots up and you run. You fully forgot that you live in a place that doesn’t have snakes and that last night you watered your flowers with the garden hose and left it there for later use.
Something similar happens to us in contact with other people and the world, when we get triggered.
We are hyperaware of things that are specific to our trauma. That could be details about physical items, but also the way people move or speak or even a specific constellation of where people are in a room.
Survivors also often develop a sixth sense for the emotional states of others. We notice small changes in facial expression and posture and sometimes it even feels like people carry an „aura“ around them, that makes us interpret them as dangerous.
Our sensitive perception has been useful in the past to ensure our survival. It gave us clues when to hide and when to dissociate because something bad would happen to us. Today it gets in our way because our interpretation of what is going on is outdated.
We can learn to interrupt the trauma loop in our mind using mindfulness and a reality check. Because our brain is still wired to pick up threats, it will take a while to unlearn that. What we can do right away is to take a step back, when we feel strong emotions coming up, that could cause us to act according to trauma time and return to the mental steps before that: the interpretation of the situation based on our memories and expectations.
Do some basic grounding and then ask yourself these questions:
What is the story I am telling myself? Nothing to be ashamed of, that is just what our brain does when we don’t have enough information: we fill in the gaps.
What happened in the situation? How would a witness describe it? Your witness is just an observer who doesn’t judge the situation.
Who was involved? The actual people today, not who ever you got reminded of. Make sure to see what is really there. Maybe it is the same person, but they are 30 years older and fragile.
What do I know about this person? If you had safe experiences in the past, notice that. If you don’t know them at all, notice that too. You are making an assumption without proper information.
What additional information about the situation have I missed? Ask your observer, he might have seen more. You might also want to look at additional information about yourself that sets today apart from trauma time.
What triggered me? Remember that it doesn’t have to be an item. Sometimes it is impossible to find the trigger and that is ok too.
What kind of stress response am I experiencing? Realize that it is just that, a trauma response to a trigger.
What are 3 alternative explanations to my interpretation of the situation? Get more flexible in your thinking. A frown doesn’t always mean that someone is upset with you. Maybe they have a toothache. Maybe they remembered that they forgot to buy toilet paper. Maybe someone walked by in a T-Rex costume behind you.
Even if you accurately pick up a feeling around a person, that doesn’t mean that you can read their mind. They might feel angry but that doesn’t mean that they are angry with you.
Is the situation dangerous or harmful? Ask your observer that, not your emotional mind. You have to rule out an objective threat. If you are actually in danger, stop here and get safe.
What are 3 reasons why I am safe today? Feeling safe will reduce your stress response quickly.
What are 3 harmless alternative ways the situation could continue? You can become more flexible about your expectation and might find out what to do next; a chosen response instead of a triggered reaction.
If you have DID, make sure to go through the questions with your parts stuck in trauma time and get them oriented in the here and now.
It does take some practice to do reality checks when stressed. You can write the questions down and keep them nearby in case you need them.
More about how to stop flashbacks
and a discrimination exercise
To solve transference look at the Light of Truth
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