Shame has been a major issue in my own life ever since I can remember and it is a problem characteristic to complex trauma and DID in general. That is why I have written more about shame than about any other emotion.
In my struggle with shame it has become important to take a look at what is happening in the specific situations when it shows up, to understand why it is there and what caused it. There can be stable patterns that can be recognized over different situations. I will share the patterns I experience most often. They can be similar to what you experience or maybe they inspire you to look for your own patterns. Once we see through it, we understand what kind of intervention is needed.
Healthy shame:
We feel shame when we misbehave and someone else, the rules of society or our own bad conscience gives us feedback that we are not acceptable if we keep acting like this. This can also show up when parts behaved in ways that were not well adapted. In this case we can work on changing our behavior to fit in or we can decide to become an outcast and maybe even be proud of it.
Shame as fear of being excluded:
That can be a version of healthy shame. Being excluded from society used to be the worst that could happen to someone. Shame will lead to social behavior that will keep us inside the group. It can also be rooted in trauma and past experiences of being excluded or neglected. That is where fear of punishment, rejection or abandonment dominate our shame experience. Our emotion is not grounded in the present and people might not understand our shame because they really never planned to exclude us.
Shame from unfair comparison:
A lot of shame comes up when we compare ourselves with people who grew up in completely different circumstances, have access to different resources and had an entirely different personal history. We usually pick their best to compare it to our worst, too. Comparing things is in human nature but we treat ourselves unfairly here. We tend to compare when we feel a bit lost and insecure about ourselves or when we are looking for validation. There are more effective ways to get that.
Shame about being different:
We are different from other people. It doesn’t help much to tell us that all people are different. Not all people have parts who front and do things that make them die from shame. It is a long path to acceptance. It helps to know that we are not the only ones who are different. Most people think they are alone with their experience when really they are not. This kind of shame is solved in the community. More
Shame about not being normal:
Our life has never been normal and because of our symptoms it isn’t normal now. It might never become normal at all. This is a problem with unfair comparison, but it is also a confrontation with pain, dying dreams and the challenge of finding meaning in a life that is less than we would wish for. The moment we turn to the needs and wants behind the shame we open a possibility to find a way that works for us, even if it will never be like the norm.
Shame to protect our vulnerability:
It is a classic job of shame to protect us from getting hurt by showing vulnerability where people could abuse it. A long history of trauma has taught us that this protection is needed for survival. Later in life we are still unable to recognize a safe situation or person and we keep feeling shame in order to keep us from being open. It takes patience and corrective experiences to learn that vulnerability can sometimes be safe.
Shame as response to kindness:
Sometimes people are too kind. The experience doesn’t fit into our Window of Tolerance. The goodness they were trying to give to us becomes overwhelming and that leads to a rupture in the relationship. The result is an even bigger feeling of shame. It helps to know that this can happen, that good things can be overwhelming and end up feeling like trauma. Then we can tell people to pace it or express themselves in a way that is easier for us to receive.
Shame as a response to misattunement in the past:
A well-received theory explains that chronic shame is a natural result of developmental trauma and misattunement. Our caretaker was unable to read our own cues or unable/unwilling to respond to them appropriately, or both, so a relational rupture happened and when it doesn’t get fixed, that creates shame. Shame can be understood as a relational wound in this case.
Shame as a response to misattunement today:
Because we are all just human we will experience a lot of situations where others did not notice how we were doing or what we needed or they won’t respond to us the way we need it, which can have many reasons. This misattunement will lead to shame. You could understand offering too much kindness when we aren’t ready for it as a specific kind of misattunement. The other person doesn’t notice they are overwhelming. And in other cases, that they are hurtful or neglectful. It happens a lot when people are stressed and busy with their own inner experience. It also happens the other way round, shame because we failed to attune to another person’s needs. It helps to talk about that.
Internalized shame:
Maybe we were always told that there is something wrong with us and we have internalized this belief. It can even show up as a conditioned response. Every time something reminds us of a past situation the shame shows up because we used to hear a shame message then. It helps to take a very close look at those who taught us that we are somehow wrong and shameful. They might not be the most trustworthy source of information.
Shame parts got triggered:
Sometimes the shame about a trauma situation is dissociated and when it gets triggered it shows up in full force. And sometimes we will meet inner parts who internalized the shame message we heard so often and who repeat it endlessly. It is possible to negotiate with shaming parts and to orientate ashamed parts.
Being reminded of shaming people:
Small things can be enough to get us all confused about who the other person is. We mix them up with people who shamed us in the past and respond with shame even when this real person today never did anything wrong. That is a transference problem and it can be solved by speaking about it. It happens a lot in therapy when we expect shameful messages from Ts who are nothing but accepting.
Shame to protect our image of other people:
When we need our caretakers or other people to be safe, to survive or to avoid abandonment, we will take on guilt and shame to explain situations when they are not. We will find the fault in ourselves to protect the image we have of them because that feels easier than losing them. For a child it is possible to live as the devil among saints, while the realization of being Innocent among devils would be too much. If we keep this up as an adult it will keep us stuck in unhealthy relationships if we don’t learn to question other people and their actions instead of only questioning ourselves.
Shame to protect from helplessness:
As we explained here, it is often easier to feel guilt and shame than to admit that we were powerless. If it was our fault because something is wrong with us and we can make ourselves believe that we deserved things, then we won’t feel helpless and there isn’t unspeakable injustice happening. It is hard and sad to realize that people never loved us, that they were doing us wrong and that we had no way to prevent it. It wasn’t our fault.
Taking on ownerless shame:
Many abusers refuse to feel shame about their behavior. The situation would demand healthy shame from them but they just abandon it. It ends up sitting in the room, ownerless. And victims tend to pick it up. It is very hard to allow shame to sit there until the real owner picks it up and we are often already used to collecting shame, so we take theirs too. Once we know that this is what happened we can give the shame back to its owners. They deserve it.
Picking up sensed shame:
Sensitive people can sometimes pick up a sense of insecurity or shame in other people and when we are already used to picking up ownerless shame we might pick that up as well. Then we will feel shame when someone communicates weirdly, and feel like something is wrong with us. When we tend to pick up other people’s shame it is good to ask ourselves regularly: Whose feeling is this?
Shame about not meeting an expectation:
We will let people down and they will let us feel that they are disappointed or angry. For many traumatized people that is a cue of danger and we go into submission mode right away to fix the situation. Those aren’t good relational tools and it can also make us burn out because we try to meet impossible expectations. It is important to set boundaries and express clearly what can be expected of us and where the limits are.
Shame about not meeting internal/ized expectations:
Often we are ashamed because we are not good enough for our own standards. It might be time to change the standards. An important step is to ask yourself where these standards come from. They are often the standards of abusers or people who are loyal to abusers and they themselves never lived up to those standards or they are miserable because they do. Then it is time to negotiate if you really want to follow that path or if maybe you can come up with better standards for yourself.
Shame about not being the way others want us to be:
This goes even further than just a disappointed expectation here and there. Other people come to us with the picture they have of us or they demand that we are just the way they want us to be and when we are not, they have a tantrum. Sometimes we were raised by these people, who never helped us to become who we really are, they told us who we had to become. Screw them. This is your life and you can be whoever you are and they can shove their image of who they want you to be.
Shame about not responding the way other want us to respond:
That one can be a lot more subtle. A lot of people have some kind of agenda when they talk to us. If they aren’t outright manipulative they still do or say things to cause an effect in us, to get a specific emotional response. When we grow up in a manipulative environment we will feel guilt and shame when we don’t respond the way we are supposed to. Not allowing them to control us will feel like we are doing something wrong. We are not. Whatever we feel is valid, no matter if it matches their plans or not. These are our feelings and we don’t have to justify them in any way.
Shame as gateway emotion:
In some cases we don’t dare to feel most emotions because they seem dangerous. We learned that having them is not safe. Shame is pretty safe. Abusers usually don’t punish shame. It means that we might start feeling shame every time we feel some emotion. It is all one to us and the one is shame. It can happen with other emotions, some people feel sad the moment they get in touch with a feeling but shame is among the safest gateway emotions out there. We might need to relax and focus if we can notice other feelings that are hidden behind it. It takes practice to notice that there is more going on than shame and often very different things than shame.
This list is obviously not complete. I just wanted to show you that there are an abundance of reasons for shame. When we become more familiar with our own patterns (and I cannot spare you the work of finding them for yourself) it will be easier to reflect on our emotional responses and do reality checks. It makes it possible to use highly specific interventions. Even just realizing how often I pick up other people’s shame has been a game-changer for me. Not all shame can be solved the same way. The better we get at identifying what is going on the easier it will be.
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