I wish I could offer you smart tricks on how to reduce amnesia, but I don’t know any. What I know is boring and takes time. First we try to fill in the gaps in our knowledge through inner communication. Later we practice co-consciousness to avoid having amnesia altogether. The solution for not having amnesia, is having less of the structural dissociation that causes amnesia. If that was as easy as it is simple, we would have accomplished it long ago. Dissociative barriers cannot always be influenced and if we manage it, it is still hard work. They also have the tendency to dissolve without our conscious effort and catch us unprepared for what will surface. We will approach the topic systematically. That is no guarantee for success. Integrative capacity plays a major role and without it we won’t get far.

Filling in the gaps

External communication

When we first start inner work, we try to establish some kind of communication that helps us to hear from other parts who can tell us what happened. This usually starts with external means like a communication journal, sticky notes, messages etc. I like to pin a piece of paper to my door on eye level when I don’t expect other parts to look into the journal. It can help to write a log about every activity of the day and to invite other parts to do the same. It can give us an overview of what happened. Whenever there is a gap in our memory, we can leave a message with an open question about who knows anything and wants to report about it. It is normal that this will be slow and there won’t always be answers.

.

Internal communication

To practice internal communication it helps to ask the questions out loud. We speak toward the inside while we also give other parts the chance to hear it with our ears. That can be easier than asking silently. When listening for responses it’s important to pay attention to everything that comes up. It is common for parts to respond with pictures, moods, emotions or impressions instead of words. We have to be open for communication on all levels, even for sudden body sensations that we didn’t feel before. The fragments of information are the first puzzle pieces that help us to fill the gaps. When we notice them, we can check back if this really is a response and then thank them and honor their effort. Then we can ask more questions to clarify. It needs creativity and skill and a bit of detective work. This is how communication often starts. It is a myth that there always has to be a deep conversation and clear sentences we can hear. Thank (social) media for this misrepresentation. In my experience, it’s mostly controlling EPs who are verbal, with threats and insults. With fragile parts I need to pay a lot more attention to the nuance of experience that reaches me. Some parts will consistently communicate in a non-verbal way that over time can be recognized as their personal style.

.

Practicing communication

It is best to practice inner exchanges in positive situations. We can repeatedly ask simple questions inside and pay attention, if we get a response. It can be as simple as pointing out beautiful flowers by the road or asking which kind of ice cream to get. I always feel like I am doing something hard, like training a muscle, when I practice like that. In reality, I have to focus and then I mentally reach out to the part I want to connect with. It gets easier and more natural over time. Whenever amnesia happens, we can ask inside and get information about what happened. It will not be complete because it is just a report and not direct access to the memory, but it is a good start. This works both ways. Inner parts are allowed to ask about the things that happened outside that they are not aware of. Then we describe them the best we can for them. We benefit when we fill the gaps for each other.

.

Practicing sharing

In our next step we work on increasing the amount of information we are getting. We attempt to create bigger chunks of our experience and share full scenes. We could imagine that our memory is a sequence from a movie that we can play. Pictures, feelings, thoughts, impulses, relationships, goals and whatever else was important in that situation could be shown. Because the information is more complex and whole it will need less detective work to figure out the shape of the situation. We share a true memory instead of giving a report. That can go both ways too. Other parts share what they experienced. And when they ask, we share what happened while we were front. On top of getting useful info we will also get to know the others better, especially how they experience the world and themselves. We will see whatever they share through the filter of their perception. It can be important to separate the pure information from their personal assessment, when the assessment is impacted by trauma patterns and therefore incorrect. The way we experience something is not the truth about a situation. We experience the world the way we are, not the way it is.

.

Developing co-consciousness

Noticing the beginning of amnesia

A statement about amnesia that helped me personally (it doesn’t have to be as helpful for you) is that it doesn’t happen out of the blue. When I stopped being aware of things, I left the situation because it was too much for me. I did something. By now the action is automatic, because that was useful in the past and now it is a habit. I experience something specific and then I don’t think about it anymore, I just react. But it is still my action. That means I can begin to practice acting differently. Whenever we try to change something that we do automatically it means that we first need to gain a foothold first. We need to delay the automatic behavior for a short moment. That will be easier, when we know the trigger. Then we can sneak in a moment of mindfulness as we notice how the trigger triggers something, what that feels like, how the automatic reaction is started and how we withdraw from awareness. It might not sound very helpful, but noticing automatic processes and consciously being aware of them is a necessary requirement for change. As long as the crucial moments pass without us noticing them, we are incapable of acting. We will experience it as something that happens to us. So our first goal is to be aware how we leave the situation and someone else takes over. If you were looking for a trick, this is it.

.

Practicing to stay

Once we know our triggers and we develop a better sense for when and how we withdraw from awareness, we can gently try to stay a little longer. That is what co-consciousness really is. We simply stay, while someone else is also present. When we do this, we need to make sure that one part is properly at the front while the other stays back a bit. What is called ‘co-present’, when several parts are fronting at the same time with their experience mixing, is confusing and uncomfortable at this point and will not create a positive experience. That is why we avoid that and keep a reasonable distance from each other. When we first practice this, it doesn’t have to be for very long. Every moment that we can manage to stay is a success.

We will expose ourselves to an experience that will cause fear. Someone else is in control, we just observe what they do. We will often feel rejection and repulsion and think that the other part is horrible because their behavior is different from ours and we are ashamed. Or maybe the trauma connection becomes overly clear and scares us. It is normal to feel anxiety or reluctance at first. Scenes where all parts love each other and live like a happy family are not the average experience of people living with DID. When we first start out it will be hard to tolerate knowing anything about the others at all. It will get easier over time but harmony is hard work and it rarely exists from the start. Our first step is to stay a little bit longer, even though we are afraid, and to experience what it feels like, when someone else is front. Then we can gently expand our exercise. It is important to use the concept of titration and only take tiny steps. Otherwise we will just get overwhelmed and end up in more dissociation. We don’t have to increase our overwhelm. In fact, when we lower dissociative barriers we work as slowly and carefully as we do when reducing chronic dissociation. We only stay for a moment longer, as we can manage. We also practice the other way round. Other parts try to stay a little longer while we are fronting and notice that nothing bad is happening today.

.

Playfully practicing co-consciousness

Once we develop the ability to stay a little longer, we can play little games with each other. The goal is to become more aware of what the fronting part is doing. Reading aloud is perfect for this. The fronting part reads from a story or an article. Another part tries to stay co-conscious and then reports as much as they can about what they heard. You can also ask questions about details from the text e.g. which color were the frog’s pants or where does Pooh store his honey. You can also do that by using short Youtube videos if that is your preference.

For another game you can ask a fronting part to hide an object while you try to be aware where it is hidden. Believe me, this is a useful exercise.

It is also possible to play games with each other co-consciously, depending on your mental maturity. That could be a game of chess or any other game or 2 players where decisions need to be made. Sometimes you have to be careful with kids’ games because they are connected to trauma. If that is harmless for you, it is possible to play things like ‘I spy’. One part picks an item, the other looks through the eyes to see the outside and asks questions to figure out what it is. Advanced players will pay attention to the things the fronting part looked at for a little longer and that is a fabulous way to practice getting closer together.

The aspect of playfulness makes practicing easier and increases motivation. Therapy homework doesn’t have to be hard. You can always make up games you like. It is useful to make sure that we always practice from both positions, being front and staying in the background. When we start this it is a lot easier to only have 2 parts practice with each other. Otherwise it gets very loud and confusing in our head and it’s too tricky for a learning situation. When we are ready to include more parts we will also have enough experience to continue on our own and use what works best for us.

.

Stabilizing co-consciousness

Over time, it will get easier to be together. Our phobia of the other parts will decrease. We get to know each other and maybe we even develop some trust. Then we can choose how much co-consciousness will be good for us as a system. Parts who manage daily life together will profit from knowing as much as possible about the things the other do. It makes shifts in who is fronting easier. We won’t always have to ask what happened or what to do next. Daily life will be less fragmented or pieced together and instead be fluid and flexible. In other areas it doesn’t always make sense to establish consistent co-consciousness. Especially trauma parts would be exposed to triggers unnecessarily. As long as we can’t process the trauma there really is no benefit in getting triggered all the time. For these parts it is important that they are able to do reality checks and use grounding. When it comes to trauma processing it will absolutely be necessary to learn how to reliably stay co-conscious for a while. That doesn’t mean that we have to make use of that ability in daily life. What you should do is very specific to your system and nobody can give you a simple answer for that.

When we first practice staying co-conscious with other parts it will cost a lot of energy. We have to actively pursue it. That changes over time. It will become natural, the dissociative barriers are permanently reduced and amnesia belongs to the past. Eventually it will need a conscious effort not to be aware of what is going on and we will feel exhausted when we raise dissociative barriers in emergency situations.

.

Natural development

When there is enough integrative capacity, systems will experience a natural development in which dissociative barriers will reduce themselves. We will only support the process by actively practicing co-consciousness and therefore avoiding chaos and overwhelm. In my experience, working against natural development, by either artificially reducing or raising the barriers long-term, doesn’t create good results. Those who try to reduce them too fast will end up in a crisis because they got flooded with things they could not tolerate. And sometimes it doesn’t work at all because our mind is smarter than we are and won’t let us. Dissociation has the tendency to dissolve on its own, once there is enough capacity, if we like it or not. Some parts might be invested in keeping the separation and if we try to keep it up long-term we will probably experience that we can’t hold on to it because it costs too much energy and constant effort.

Dissociation will stay as long as it is needed. Our mind has its own wisdom in that. I personally don’t think it is useful to work against its schedule. That will just use up a lot of energy. I think it is best to supervise ourselves while taking the next natural step that our system has to take and adapt our exercises accordingly. Then we will acknowledge the step where we currently are and only try to move that along a bit. If you mind can skip things because the capacity exists naturally, we don’t have to artificially hold ourselves back.

I want everyone to know that there is an inner process and it is limited how much we can influence it. Pressure won’t help. It just creates shame and stress. When nothing moves it makes a lot more sense to check why, if there are reasons why the dissociation is still needed or a part believes that it is needed. We should also check if we could increase capacity. A safe life without new trauma is elemental. Similar to the chronic dissociation of our body awareness we otherwise still need our amnesia. Maybe we need more support to balance the burdens of knowing more about other parts. It will always be easier to work with ourselves than against ourselves. We accompany ourselves on the path we are already on instead of artificially trying to jump ahead. Everything that is artificial has a tendency to feel forced and remind us of trauma. Being gentle is enough.

.