Relational regulation

This post is based on The one most important concept you NEED to know to stop dissociation: window of tolerance

 

Because our main goal is to stay within the window of tolerance, skills for the red/blue area should become rare interventions, while we learn how to regulate ourselves within the yellow area (dotted line) before we reach the red.

Don’t wait until you need extreme interventions. Act as soon as you notice that you are reaching a darker shade of yellow, a 6 or 7 on the scale.

There are different ways to help you regulate your stress levels. We distinguish between self-regulation and relational/interactive regulation. Most people favor one or the other, but it is important to be able to use both in order to react appropriately in different situations.

 

relational/ interactive regulation

Definition: „Relational regulation is a desired affect, action or thought that results from interacting with or thinking about specific other people“

 

So, acknowledging that this might be difficult, these are things you can do for relational regulation:

• meet with someone

• call someone

• use whatsapp or social media to reach out

• write on a forum

• write a text or letter or email to someone

• meet with someone for a meal, sports, art, singing, hobbies, dog walking, voluntary work, or any other kind of shared activity.

• Start some small talk, maybe about a third person you both know.

 

Only reach out to people who are safe! Those could be friends, co-workers, mental health professionals, a self-help group, safe family members etc

Choose safe topics the other person can relate to. You don’t have to talk about your problems. Conversations about ordinary life are just as effective. You just want to feel connected and have an interaction with someone. They don’t need to give you advice or solve your problems for this to work.

The interaction doesn’t have to be long. Sometimes a reassuring smiley can make all the difference.

And the interaction doesn’t even have to happen in real life. Imagining it can also help you calm down:

• think of a conversation with your T when you felt connected

• imagine a girls night with your best friend

• think of your partner and what they would say to you/do if they were here

• write a letter to a kind grandparent and imagine their response

• look at photos of loved ones

 

Sometimes safe people or even the images of safe people are not available. Then you can also try “quasi-relational” regulation.

Definition: “Quasi-relational regulation occurs from interacting with or thinking about activities, symbolic people, animal, ideas or objects.”

This includes

• imagining what your favorite character in a TV series would say

• doing something you usually do with someone safe (or would like to do)

• planning a family vacation, birthday, celebration, weekend dinner etc

• prayer

• playing with a pet (service dogs are priceless companions when it comes to relational regulation)

• imagery work with inner helpers

• interacting with your “compassionate self”

• imagining perfect parents

• holding objects that remind you of someone safe

• wearing clothes you connect to safe interaction with someone

• cuddling with stuffies

You can also create the endorphin/oxytocin hormonal response, that is responsible for the calming effect of relational regulation, by using a weighted blanket.

 

While all these things work very well to reduce stress levels, I cannot recommend relying on relational regulation alone. We also need self-regulation skills for proper balance.

 

 

quotes from: relational regulation theory, Lakey & Orehek