If you have DID the Safe Place exercise will serve you in different ways.
It can be a tool to shape areas in your Inner World to meet your needs. The Inner World follows the rules of a fantasy world. You can create things and they become inside reality. The first things you should create are Safe Places.
They can represent homes for all of you. A safe home is something important, something you might not have experienced in your outside world. You can create places of peace, relaxation and nurturing inside of you. The word “home” often makes us cry, the longing is so deep. And we can give it to ourselves. Safe Places are self-care.
They are essential when you live with Littles. They need a place, where they can be safe, entertained and supported by Inner Helpers. It gives them the chance to hide inside, when there are stressful situations or triggers outside. That way they are protected from experiencing things, that are too big for the small ones.
Older parts need Safe Places too. They might need some rest and a place where they are not bothered by kids. Sharing a body can become a burden and cause all kinds of difficult feelings. How important to have the chance to withdraw, take a break and enjoy the quiet. This can take the sting out of many conflicts.
It can also reduce big drama. Abuser-loyal or abuser-imitating parts can have their own space, where they can just be, without feeling criticized and hated by everyone. It’s not fun to be the “bad” guy all the time. Keeping them separate from vulnerable parts can help protect you.
One of the first things we do, when someone new shows up, is to create a Safe Place for them. Feeling safe is key. People who are scared act in harmful ways. A safe place can snuff the feeling of having to fight for survival all the time. It offers the possibility to calm down, look around and get the bigger picture. We want our system to become a fear-free zone. Safe Places are a huge part of that. They are good for everyone. Humans are better people, when they get a chance to feel safe (also true for outside relationships).
We find it helpful when everyone has their own Safe Place. That way you can shape it to meet very individual needs. You can still create meeting places later. If a child is too scared to be alone, create Inner Helpers like pets or elfs or whatever would be a nurturing figure for them. Avoid using people from you outside life for this.
If a part is old enough to grasp the idea, let them build their own Safe Place. They know way more about what they need and like. You might actually never know what they created for themselves. It is their private place. A System doesn’t offer much privacy. Do not enter. Especially with teenagers. Respect their space.
If you know how others shaped their Safe Place, do not criticize it. Your opinion doesn’t matter. They have to feel safe there. They are different from you, they have different taste and different needs. You don’t have to like it. It’s not meant for you. Just go and enjoy your own Place.
Sometimes parts create a place that doesn’t seem comfortable at all. Trust their wisdom. Some need cold floor and concrete walls to feel grounded. As they heal more that might change over time. Don’t push them towards comfort they can’t cope with yet.
Sometimes it is impossible to create a Safe Place and then move the part there. In that case you can start to create a Place around them. You can start by offering small things they might like, maybe a pillow, a blanket, a stuffy. Then slowly add layers of protection around them. It doesn’t have to be a room. Let intuition lead you to find something that increases comfort, peace and safety.
Don’t ever try to use a Safe Place as a prison. Locking away parts is never a solution. Locking them in their Safe Place is a disaster. Please do not use the tools of the abuser against your own system. How should they know that it is over, when you do the very same things!
You can try to play a game of “fun or room” instead (a parenting tool from love&logic) Someone who has acted out can be offered the very free choice to change their actions and be “fun” for everyone to be around with, or chose to go to their Safe Place “room” instead. You are not locking anyone away.
You don’t try to control them or use power over them. It is their choice what they will do. They are free to withdraw to a place they like and feel comfortable in. Whenever they are ready, they can return from their room and work on reconciliation. This is how they can learn to be responsible for their actions. They are just people and people long for company. Sooner or later this little game will give you a chance to solve system problems, while you never had to use force and the troubling person removed themselves from the scene.
More about punishment: Unpunishable (core values)
I hope that this has been helpful and you will start creating Safe Places for yourselves.
Find out more about guided imagery
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