This exercise is a specific form of a reality check that can help us when we are not stuck in a full flashback but something got triggered and we get confused about reality. Maybe our emotions are too intense and hijack our mind or we entertain fantasies about how the situation will continue, make up stories about what is happening inside other people or too much meaning is added to an originally neutral word or action. That is when we might be too deep in our experience to find the way out.
.
The whole story
For this exercise you need a pen and paper. Write down the experience that got you triggered with every detail you can, all that way said and done, what you saw, heard or sensed, your emotions and thoughts about it and what they reminded you of. Start with the beginning and tell the whole story just as you experienced it.
.
Example:
I was in an all-women’s group for fitness training. The trainer was an older lady in an old-fashioned workout outfit. Her instructions were super cringey and often included cheesy romantic movies. The kept telling the group to smile while working out. I got really angry about that. I thought that she must have missed emancipation and is stuck in a time when ladies still had to smile for men all the time. That she wants me to return to that old role model. Next thing I know I have to bring my husband his slippers. It made me mad and I was clearly in hyperarousal. Later I realized that smiling had something to do with my abuse history.
.
Separating facts, feeling and fiction
Now go through your story and circle all the hard facts. Only the things that a witness would have seen or heard that actually happened.
Then go through it again and underline all the emotions you had. Some like to underline their thoughts too.
After that you go through it a third time and cross out all the things that aren’t actually real with a horizontal line (without making it unreadable). Things that you are only afraid of, all the places where you assumed to know how another person thinks, feels or plans to act.
.
Example:
Facts: an older fitness trainer told the group to smile while working out and I got triggered.
Feelings: anger! Lots of anger and a stress response. (Thoughts: this is cringey and outdated)
Fiction: She wants me to conform to outdated role models for women and serve men humbly
.
For self-regulation
Before you do anything else with this it is important to calm down. To do that, you only look at the things you circled, the facts. Tell yourself the story using only these facts. Let it sink in and repeat it. After a while this will have a calming effect. The facts might suck, but they aren’t threatening.
.
Example:
An older fitness trainer told the group to smile while working out and I got triggered. An older fitness trainer told the group to smile while working out and I got triggered. An older fitness trainer told the group to smile while working out and I got triggered. An older fitness trainer told the group to smile while working out and I got triggered. An older fitness trainer told the group to smile while working out and I got triggered.
.
For further work
Bring your complete story to therapy. Your T can help you manage the big emotions and their connection to the past and they can help you understand the patterns of fantasies you slip into under pressure so they can be changed. This is not within the area of self-help, it will need support from outside.
.
Leave a Reply