Team Meetings and conflict solving (DID SystemWork)

Roll calls can help your DID System to manage situations in daily life, but they are not enough to support your SystemWork long-term. You need something that is equally organized, but that allows for more of a conversation than just a short report. You need a team meeting.

[There is actually no need to have DID to have an inner team meeting. We all have conflicts within ourselves every now and then. The only difference is the dissociation.]

The meeting place

Literature suggests imagining a round table, where all parts can gather. This has developed into the idea of an inner conference room. If a part cannot attend the meeting, they can have it broadcasted into their safe place. Maybe some part of you seems dangerous or acts aggressively toward the others. They could still take part in the meeting by showing up on a small screen in the conference room. If things get out of hand the sound can be muted or the screen switched off. Some prefer to have everyone on a screen.

If a conference room doesn’t feel comfortable enough, you can always meet in an imagery of your choice. That could be a beach, a meadow, a clearing, a hut or a garden etc. It helps if the place has some kind of boundary to keep out openly destructive and uncooperative parts. (Phrase your boundary with them like this: we are glad to welcome you, as soon as you calm down and commit to a non-violent interaction… No problem. Take your time.)

If you don’t have access to your inner world and you struggle to work with imagery you could use a sand tray for support. The idea is to work with small items that represent every part to give you something to look at while you communicate in your mind. It helps us to notice things that were not expressed verbally.

Some simply use a journal and write down their conversations. It helps to keep things organized, if everyone picks a color to write in.

Time for meetings

You might want to pick a certain time in your week for your meetings and stick to that. If the System is running smoothly you could also just meet to socialize. Some weeks need more communication than others. It is always better to be flexible and listen to your needs than to follow a schedule, but it is also better to follow a schedule than to be lost and confused and not meet at all.

Discuss if you want to set a time limit for the meeting. Sometimes a break gives you the time you need to process things.

It helps to appoint a part who can be approached, if an additional team meeting is needed. That part could check if you really need the whole system to come together. Small conflicts can be solved with the help of a mediator.

Structure

Discuss if you want the same part to lead every meeting (maybe you have a strong host or someone else who is really good at it) or if you want to rotate the leadership role among parts who volunteer. Littles observe and learn and sooner or later one might ask if they can lead a meeting too. Give them an experienced helper to support them and be kind. You will be surprised how well they imitate what you have demonstrated.

Choose a consistent framework for your meeting. We recommend a little ritual at the beginning and end. Start with something calming so that everyone is within their window of tolerance and ready to communicate. Maybe you can end with something that helps you to feel connected and positive. We use questions from the resource game.

Guidelines for communication

Discuss how you want to communicate with each other:

• speak one after the other, not all at once

• let others finish before you respond

• listen to understand, not to answer

• let everyone share, encourage the quiet ones

• honor and respect

• I-messages and talking about your own experience/needs/wishes etc

• no room for blame (that just leads to drama)

• don’t judge, there is no right or wrong

• self-control instead of trying to control others

• confront behavior, not character

• aim for more connection, not more dissociation between you

• stay curious

• patience and grace

• it is ok to agree to disagree

• be open for compromises and creative problem solving

• respect personal boundaries

• everyone is important and needed

• don’t use known triggers in conversation

• don’t share dark memories

• stay on topic

• …

• …

Add your own.

If you have a vast number of parts, sort them into groups and let them elect a spokesperson. A team meeting would then resemble a parliament.

If you have mute, preverbal or non-verbal parts, find out who could speak for them, they need to have a voice too.

Conflict solving

Psychology offers 6 steps to solve a conflict in a team meeting.

1 Participants: Who is taking part in the meeting? Who is having the conflict? Make sure to see everyone separate from each other. Sometimes parts hide behind someone else, but they need to find their own voice. Every point of view is important to achieve balance.

2 Hearing: Let everyone share their point of view and arguments, one after the other. If you are not speaking, your job is to listen well. This is not the time to respond to anything. When you speak and you are very emotional, try to include facts, if you usually just talk facts, try to be open and vulnerable about your feelings too. Let the part who is fronting take notes. Collect information.

3 Discussion: When everyone was heard, take time to have a conversation about it. Ask each other questions for clarification. Don’t be afraid to confront, especially limiting beliefs or trance logic and if someone is stuck in trauma time. Love needs confrontation. It’s ok if it’s a little messy. You are getting there. Don’t forget that the problem is the problem, the other part is not the problem. You are all trying to solve the problem.

4 Moderation: after a while the leader steps in to add structure to the discussion. They can sum things up, point out the pros and cons you have found and define the problem. To solve a problem it is important to put it in words and have everyone agree that this is really what you are trying to find an answer for. A solution that doesn’t match the problem will fail.

5 Brainstorming: share ideas on how to solve the problem. Try to keep an open mind. Answer could be

• this

• that

• this and that

• neither this nor that

• this + condition

• not that, but to make up for it ____ (offer)

• today this and tomorrow that

• forget both „this“ and „that“ and do something completely different. (surprisingly often the best solution)

• …

• …

It is our favorite part of team meetings because we can come up with creative ideas to find compromises that work for everyone. If you get stuck, let your T brainstorm with you.

6 Agreement: You might not find a perfect solution, but maybe one that is close enough. It is better to try something than not to come to a conclusion at all. Your decisions are not set in stone. Write down what you agreed on, to help you remember it and to give others, who were not at the meeting, a chance to read it too. If you try something new, add a date when to review it.

To practice your T could take the role of the team leader, but sooner or later you have to learn how to do this for yourself.