Digital options for networking and advocacy are becoming more important. It is a lot easier to invite a bunch of people from all over the country to a video conference than it is to bring them all together in one place. Add special interests or a niche topic and it starts to become impossible to even find interested people without using the internet. Over the past year I was busy with political advocacy where I had to attend quite a few long online meetings that included breakout groups, digital votes and working on triggering topics with complete strangers. This is a collection of the tricks that I learned to cope with these digital settings. I will walk you through a specialized BDA plan because digital conferences can be planned just like every other tricky situation. The ideas might be helpful for work meetings and digital therapy too.

 

 

Before

The background

Pick the room you will stay in wisely. Many people feel uncomfortable with video calls inside their safe space at home because they feel like they are allowing others into that space. It doesn’t have to feel that way. We will just stage a setting for the video call.

First, we pick a background. Something that we are comfortable showing to other people. That can be a digital image using a filter. If that is your choice, make sure that the option is available with the platform that is used for the meeting. There usually is the option to blur the background. Sometimes people use the white surfaces they project their movies on.

I want to suggest something different. Make use of your background. You can pretend to be a streamer or content creator and build a staged background where you put things that you like, that make you feel competent or that are comforting. Reminders of your competences today are invaluable. Pick things that you are comfortable showing to other people. I like to present a collection of my favorite textbooks because looking at them reminds me that I actually know a few things. Discuss the options with your inner team. Some might not be comfortable showing off private things. The time you invest in creating a background for video meetings is absolutely worth it and it can be used repeatedly. You can take the opportunity to place resources inside the picture of yourself that you will see on screen. Nobody will notice but you actually will. If possible, check your background in a video call with a friend to make sure it works out the way you have planned it.

 

The view

The next thing that we will work on is our own view when we are sitting at our computer. Nobody else will see this and that is awesome because it means that we can create a scene in front of us that is intentionally different from the difficult topics we will talk about and we can put as many visual resources in it as we like. That includes all the stuffed animals that are needed to cheer us on, reminders of safety and connection with loved ones, a nice view of the place where our pet sleeps or whatever seems helpful. If there is an encouraging word or sentence you want to remember during the meeting, you can place it somewhere visible. Plan to look up from your screen and look at something nice. Our brain was not made for screens. Such a narrow focus of attention while holding still is interpreted as a sign of danger by the brain. Nobody will notice if you look beyond the camera regularly. But your brain and body will.Your best strategy might not be leaving your safe space to protect it from strangers. Instead you use it and control very strictly what is visible to others.

 

Resources

Then we turn to our senses and resources that can help us with regulation and grounding. I usually use an aroma diffuser with a fresh and lively smell to support grounding. I simply adore orange oil for this. Check what kind of sensory stimulation might be helpful. If you are using headphones anyway then you could put on calming music in the background of your computer. I prefer Studio Ghibli piano collections for nice vibes. What we do with our feet is especially interesting when it comes to grounding. Make sure that your seating allows you to put both feet firmly on the floor. You will need that for quick grounding. But you are not trying to sit still with your feet all the time. That easily leads into a feeling of being frozen or stuck. Nobody will know… you don’t have to wear shoes or even socks. You can place a mat of fake grass underneath your table and move your feet through that. You can also put a small ball under your feet and try to move it around in patterns. Sensory tasks with your feet that include movement can be among the most important grounding skills during digital meetings. You just need to prepare for them in advance.

 

3-point anchors

Your clothes are another opportunity to add resources and grounding. Plan your wardrobe ahead. People can only see what is on screen. Everything else is completely up to you. I use a 3-point anchoring technique where I always check my feet, the sensation of my hands on fabric and the sensation of my back leaning against my chair. I make use of special fabrics that feel nice to touch and my chair is chosen to offer proper support. This anchoring technique is something you can do everywhere and that you get used to very quickly. You always check 3 body anchors in a set order for grounding. Feet – Chair – Back is the most common anchoring pattern for grounding.

 

Teaming

Switching cannot always be predicted or controlled but you can still try to make sure that certain parts are front to manage the meeting while others are distracted in the back of the system. Maybe you need to raise dissociative barriers. Parts who are competent in an area often simply front when the topic comes up and just the act of joining a meeting can cause the switch to happen in your favor. The kids should know that it is not their responsibility to say anything or manage anything about the project. They can watch if they are curious. Your system might benefit from Signposting before the meeting.

These are all things that you can set up or practice for in advance.

 

 

During

We should also prepare for the things we do during a digital meeting.

 

Drinks

I always make sure that I have plenty to drink. Warm drinks sometimes help the body to relax and not be so anxious, especially when they are sweetened. My Somatic Experiencing therapist insists that I drink warm tea instead of coffee to calm my nerves. I don’t always listen and any warm drink has been helpful for me. Depending on the stress response, cool drinks and lots of water might be a better fit for you. Drinking regulates the nervous system. You will see me with a cup in hand in every single of my online meetings. Choosing a nice cup is a bonus.

 

Snacks

Eating is just as regulating. It might just not be as socially accepted. But the bigger the online conference the less people care. It is not a job meeting with your boss. I always make sure to have snacks and ask my system what kind of snack feels appropriate for the situation. Lately, I have a box of chocolates on my desk because my inner team thinks that the difficulty of the tasks calls for chocolates. I try to at least have cookies or special fruit available. It changes the atmosphere. Now you have a warm drink and cookies on the table and your brain knows that these things are a signal for a cozy time with friends and nothing dangerous. You are just having a chat.

 

Breaks

The next big topics are breaks. You can take a break any time you want. There are different ways to do that. First, you can turn off the camera for a bit. Especially in long meetings it gets kind of stressful to always behave in a way that is appropriate for others to see. Cameras fail because of technical problems all the time. Nobody will judge you for switching it off for a while to relax your body and mind a bit. You can also turn off the sound any time. Just take a break from the whole meeting, look around, become aware that the room around you is there to meet your needs and that the reality within the screen isn’t changing that at all. If you switch it off, it is gone. You have that power to make it go away at all times during the digital event. You might even test it. just to make sure that you can.

Another small technique to get a mental break is to lean back in your chair. Sitting upright with full body tension is needed while you are actively speaking. While you are listening, lean back. It signals to the body that this is so safe that you can lean back. I highly recommend armrests on your chair as well. Add your hot drink and you will be fine.

Moving around can be really helpful to be able to keep listening. If you turn off your mic and the camera and you wear wireless headphones, you are free to roam. I once washed my dishes during an especially terrifying meeting with hundreds of participants. Nobody will know. How would they know. Doing things with our hands, walking around or even jumping on a trampoline for a minute does not disrupt the presentations others are giving within a meeting. I would recommend using every chance to move around that you get even while the meeting is taking place.

Meetings also have planned breaks. They don’t plan them for you, they just give you time off. It is wise to use these breaks for movement and self-care. Use the toilet, stock up on snacks and drinks, check in inside to see what is needed. If you are taking part in a day-long digital conference the breaks are usually longer than a few minutes. In these cases it makes a lot of sense to go outside. Walk around the block. It is not just about the movement, it is about being in the real world, seeing normal life, breathing fresh air and feeling the grounding effects. This is especially important when your meetings have triggering or emotionally challenging topics. A walk helps you to step out of that topic into the current reality around you.

 

 

Useful techniques

‘World on screen, World around me’

We need a form of pendulation with our attention to cope with the really hard topics. We listen, we contribute, and we also move out of the topic again and again. Otherwise we might get caught in the depth of the problem. By finding our way out of it very regularly, even if it is just for a short period, we keep ourselves from getting stuck in the emotion or memory. One of my favorite exercises is ‘World on screen, World around me’ where attention moves between these realities and we allow our brain to realize that nothing bad is happening right now. It is all just inside a technical device. (More)

 

‘Just a word’

Another important grounding tool you should know is something we call ‘Just a word’. Sometimes people in meetings say triggering things. When our brain hears a word it connects it to a picture or experience and suddenly we are dealing with an inner experience that goes far beyond the mere voicing of a word. It created an inner reality. We can interrupt and disperse this reality when we remind ourselves that none of that happened. It was just a word. Someone said a word. That’s all. Over time an inner team can learn to respond to that announcement and calm down. They learn to understand that ‘just a word’ is an all-clear signal that nothing bad is happening. (More)

 

Comforters

Sometimes meetings are hard. They are frustrating or they bring up topics that make us sad, helpless or unhappy. It is wise to keep personal comforters close. Especially when we are dealing with the emotional responses of younger parts and not just our own. I always have a stuffed animal sitting within reach. If it is small enough it can stay on our lap while we finish a meeting. Other good comforters are pillows, blankets, any source of warmth or softness, pictures or phrases etc. and ideally, your snacks and drinks. Prepare something to comfort yourself. If you don’t use it during a meeting you can use it afterwards while you are processing it. You have permission to get up during a meeting and get the items you need. The nice thing about having meetings at home is that you have access to all your resources.

 

Avoid silencing

In very, very small meetings, maybe hybrid ones where only one or two people join digitally and the others meet in person, it can help to keep the mic on all the time and not silence it during the conversation. Silencing ones mic signals to yourself that you are silenced. It needs an extra step of turning on the mic to even join the conversation again and it can have an overall silencing effect on some people. They end up listening without saying a word and feeling terrible afterwards without being able to pinpoint why. Don’t do this in big meetings though. The small noises accumulate and disrupt the conversation until a moderator will silence you. Nobody likes that person in a big meeting. In a bigger setting everyone has to signal the moderator when they want to speak and the problem isn’t as bad.

 

 

After

Stress does not vanish when a meeting is closed and everyone shut off their devices. We still have to manage the tension in our body. This might be a good time to grab your prepared comforter and allow your feelings more space. You absolutely held them back during the meeting. In cases when feelings become overwhelming, use your resources and regulation skills. It might need more than comfort but it usually needs at least some comfort. Digital work is hard!

Movement can help to release some tension from the body. You can either check if there are specific movement or vocal impulses that you held back during the meeting and follow those (or imagine following them). The sooner you get the energy out of your body the better you will sleep. Sometimes it is best to go for a walk and get some fresh air.

Meetings that have been cognitively challenging sometimes need a phase of writing down thoughts to help you process them. Some people process best when they talk to others and you might want to call someone to tell them about your experience. Allowing your brain to process content the way it likes to, will also improve your sleep and help with regulation.

 

Rewards can be hard to tolerate. Some meetings are so stressful that they at least demand a form of compensation. Check in with our inner team to discuss what kind of counterbalance is needed for them to allow you to do these difficult things. It might need a trip to the zoo or pool, special ice cream or something similar. Make sure that the reward/compensation fits the inner stress that the meeting has caused and feels appropriate. Neither doing too much nor doing too little will feel satisfying but inner parts usually come up with some ideas of what they consider appropriate. Every voluntary thing you do that puts high stress on the system needs a form of counterbalance. Otherwise it will eventually get sabotaged because the others won’t put up with it. Whatever you do has to feel good. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extreme.

As you process a meeting you might notice things that you can learn from it and you might notice things that the organisation can learn. Feedback on how well a digital setting worked for you and what might improve the experience for participants is usually appreciated. Especially in areas where survivors are explicitly welcome, this kind of feedback is welcome and even needed.

Make sure to include the After Plan in your BDA plan. I know that it feels unnecessary and it is always necessary. The truly tricky situations happen after meetings when we step out of the functioning mode and we get hit by emotion. Always complete your preparation and include the After Plan.

 

 

Strategies for those who have goals

Sometimes you go into meetings and you just try to get a sense for what is going on or you are there to learn something. But maybe you come with your own ideas and goals and the setting is actually open for them or created to invite your contribution. Then it makes sense to prepare a strategy of actions that fit your goals.

If your goal is networking, you make sure to talk to as many people as possible. Take part in chats and choose different breakout groups. Maximize how many people notice you and remember you by one specific thing that makes you stand out. You can point it out every time you introduce yourself.

You are trying to introduce your idea or project? Drop the topic into conversation at least once during a meeting. A sentence can be enough. Prepare to drop it in every meeting you have if there is a series of meetings. It keeps the topic present in peoples minds. It absolutely doesn’t matter if it fits the current conversation or not, as long as you keep it down to a sentence. You can even point out that ‘it is off-topic but…’. Repetition is an important strategy and it is a long-term game.

You are trying to win supporters for your cause? Ask yourself who will be present and how these people might benefit from your cause as well. Why should they be interested? Build up good arguments and prepare them before the meeting. The brain is struggling with quick and logical thinking when stressed. Building up good arguments to support your cause can be close to impossible in the meeting itself. You need to prepare (and practice) them beforehand.

Sometimes the best strategy is to prepare questions. They mark the areas where solutions are needed and missing. You don’t have to present all the solutions if you come as a learner who asks the kind of questions that drive discourse into a helpful direction. They help everyone to think and develop ideas. Entering a meeting as consciously ignorant can be a very powerful move that results in quick learning for everyone. Those who belong to minorities have to be extra careful to pick smart questions. Due to discrimination you might be considered uneducated otherwise. Pointing out the lack of knowledge everyone has is key to create a sense of community in this.

You can also start by asking yourself what you have to offer. How can your knowledge, experience, abilities or training be useful to others. You help people first and support their goals and then you ask for help back in something that matters to you. This is one of my favorite things to do when I am not sure about my own goals but I want to build up connections for the future.

 

When you prepare for a topic it is important to understand the kind of work you are participating in. Who is participating, what is the goal of the meeting, what will happen with the results and who will be addressed (eg in advocacy work)? The setting comes with a certain code of communication, paths that actions can take and its own sub-culture. Working in politics means working within a sub-culture that isn’t familiar to most people. But every kind of activism comes with unspoken rules and a code of behavior. The better you get at tuning into that code the more impact you can have. Traumatized people can often be extremely quick to adapt to settings because we are used to looking for the code of the situation to play out part in it.

Talk to others about your strategies and allow them to help you build up your competences. Sometimes conflict is the proper tool but working with open conflict needs so much more steadfast abilities in the realm of advocacy that it is not recommended for beginners. You learn more strategies over time by talking to people who are better at them than you are. Stay open to learn how other people assert themselves in the kind of setting you are aiming for.