One of the reasons for our great success with system work are the core values and beliefs it is based on.
We believe that control over other people is a myth. You can try to force people, try to manipulate them, but in the end they always have a free choice, if they want to join your game. You cannot control other people. And you yourself cannot be controlled. The only person you can control is you.
Parts are like people. They cannot be controlled. But they do have self-control.
If you want them to act in a certain way you cannot force it. You have to negotiate it. If you don’t want them to act in a certain way, you can’t stop them. You can only negotiate.
The idea of punishment is based on the myth of controlling others. Lock them away, let them suffer, that will make them change. Our prison system shows that this doesn’t work. Punishment just brings them back into the right relationship with the rules, it doesn’t touch on the broken relationships in the system. If someone in the system is acting in a way that harms the system, the problem is not behavior, the problem is a lack of connection. If you were connected in love and respect you wouldn’t do stuff that hurts the others.
The option of punishment doesn’t work to create change. But it does work to introduce fear. Intimidation is one way powerless people try to force their will on others. It is also something the system is familiar with, it reminds of the trauma: it’s a tool of the abuser. Punishment is ultimately an act of violence. If you are using the same tools on yourself as the abuser did, you will not create peace and connection. You will create more fear, intimidation, disconnection, power struggles and dissociation. Punishment does not work. Locking away parts might seem necessary sometimes, but it doesn’t do you any good. It creates fear and resentment, possibly anger that will lead them to choose even worse actions.
Our goal is to make the system a fear-free zone.
People who are afraid are usually people who act in harmful ways, frantically trying to protect themselves to avoid pain. That’s a natural response! It shouldn’t surprise us.
There are ways to work with each other in love and respect. For that you have to give up the idea of control and start believing in self-control. It means giving up the concept of punishment and all the tools of the abuser. It means that you are all free. And with freedom there comes responsibility.
Being responsible for your own actions, each and every part, and dealing with the consequences of behavior is definitely the hard way, but one that will help you connect without power struggles and outright war.
Yes, it can be difficult when parts act in a harmful way. You feel scared and hurt. But their actions cannot control your reaction: you can choose how to respond (like in response-able). Deal with your pain, then help them to deal with theirs. Hurt people hurt people. They probably need grace and love more than they need a judge and another abuser.
This is one of our core values: we are unpunish-able.
If you are interested in how we deal with system-harming behavior based on self-control and relational connection you can find more here
DID-adapted behavior chain analysis (system-harming behavior)
This core value will help you in all your outside relationships as well. It is a non-violent approach that keeps relationships healthy and free.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
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