We like to compare anger to a bonfire. If it is burning too high and gets out of control it can be destructive. If we manage to kindle it properly we can have s’mores.
Like fire anger is not inherently bad. It just holds a lot of energy. Many traumatized people are scared of the destruction that could be caused by the release of this energy. It is real and it needs to be addressed and regulated in a healthy way.
We already shared how to deal with the fight response that comes with anger and the path of non-violent communication to transform anger into something that strengthens relationships.
Now we want to show you how anger that is kindled properly can be used as a tool and a source of energy.
Warning: What we are sharing now is based on the ability to self-regulate and avoid outbursts! Do not try this if you know that you lack self-regulation skills or if you are unsure if you have these skills! This is not a beginners tool.
We sometimes find ourselves in situations where we struggle to speak up for ourselves or our boundaries are being challenged. We start to feel weak, overwhelmed and helpless to defend ourselves. Our fire is merely glowing and about to go out. This is when we start to kindle anger on purpose. It is the source of energy that we need to be brave. Sometimes we are not angry enough!
The theory of non-violent communication says that anger is based on our thoughts and judgements about situations or people: Judgmental thoughts create anger.
To make anger a tool that serves us we need to learn self-control over our thoughts. That is, thinking something on purpose and being able to distract ourselves from that thought, drop it, when we have reached the amount of anger we need. This needs practice.
When we use anger to strengthen a boundary we start thinking (not speaking!) judgmental thoughts on purpose.
We focus on name calling and pointing out bad character traits in the other person as well as generally judging their thoughts, abilities, actions, looks etc.
We stay away from thinking about things that these people have done to harm us. This could raise feelings of helplessness within us and there is little worse than waking helpless anger.
Instead we make sure that there is no connection between our accusations and judgments and us. This is all about them.
We also stay away from every attempt to understand or excuse them and their behavior. Empathy will drown the little flame of anger we are trying to kindle here. Now is the time for an inner rant.
[Please note: Anger is not a tool you should actually use in communication, unless you want to hurt someone. Using it to intimidate people is possible but it feeds the drama triangle. Using it to attack others will not serve you long-term. But you can use your anger as a source of energy for yourself.]
anger tulip
If you are showing signs of hyperarousal you are going too far. You can then regulate it down a little. You fan the flames with judgmental thoughts, you quench it using distraction. Get good at distraction before trying this.
We are doing the exact opposite of what non-violent communication taught us. But we know that we created our thoughts for a purpose, not because they are true or should be spoken. They are not how to communicate a boundary. They just support our communication by giving us strength to stand our ground and not back off.
This is not ideal. The goal should be to use self-love as a source for all of this. But you and I know how hard that can be, and until we get there, we can use controlled anger.
A word for DID systems:
We tend to split our view of other people, especially those who harmed us. Some of us love them and don’t see anything wrong with them, others hate them passionately. Especially our hosts tend to forget when people are not safe and that we need strong boundaries.
We have come to an inner agreement to support each other by having the angry parts share their judgmental thoughts with those whose fire is burning low. Sometimes we need to be reminded that there is a reason to enforce boundaries. It is not a given that every part remembers. The less angry parts can support the angry ones with distraction in return. That way we can regulate a collective flame.
It doesn’t make any sense to fight over being different and seeing things differently. We split into extremes. We need to work together to balance each other. All by oneself none of us is right. Together we realize that all of us are right.
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